Muslim wife vs American woman

I was thinking about how I sometimes feel this dichotomy, this weird war that I have to mediate inside my head between the Muslim wife and the American woman. Most of the time the Muslim wife wins... But I am just wondering if anyone else ever feels this?

The Muslim wife says, just listen to your husband... The American woman says, you're an adult and you have your own way of doing things. The Muslim wife says have patience with him... The American woman says, screw him, you can do it on your own. UmmAbdulrahman made a comment on someone's blog the other day that Muslim women forget that they have the right to be happy... Yes we do. So I wonder sometimes how do I draw the line between being accommodating and being a doormat? It seems that the Muslim wife in me is always pushing for patience no matter what, but maybe that is wrong... Maybe we are better Muslim wives by taking a stand when it is needed. Maybe there is a moment where the American side should be giving us the backbone to stand up for the deen, our children, and ourselves. Is there a way to meld the two into an ideal one? Allah knows I am trying.

Into the woods to grandmother's house...

Well, I am up early getting ready for a trip to Denver today... Or at least that was my plan. I didn't really get up early enough to get everything done and now I am wondering what I was thinking not just staying up last night. I always THINK I will get up early and after 32 years you would think I would know that I won't. Oh, I'll wake up... And drowsily mill around praying and nursing the baby, then right back to bed. Actually, the baby knows my alarm and will wake up when it goes off, so my first order of business is always putting her back to sleep... Then good luck keeping me awake. So, I'll be scrambling to pack (as usual) at 2 in the afternoon when we need to leave by 3.

I have been considering just staying here and letting DH take the kids for the weekend. But he won't hear anything of it. Not like he cherishes the time with me or anything, he just wants to stay in the hotel and sleep all day while I take the kids out. Well, anyway... I guess I should get back to work or something. ugh.

I need a vacation...

Well, I can't believe that January has come and gone so quickly... Here we are at the end on the month and I feel like I just rang in the New Year. I have been trying to get things organized around the house. The playroom is becoming a girl's room, and hopefully the shelves I spent a day installing for DH in his work area will get used. Although after 3 weeks I am wondering how likely that really is. You can lead a horse to water, right?

I would love to take a break... But of course that would be unlikely if not impossible. You see one of the secrets that no one tells you about getting married and having kids is that you no longer get vacations. Oh, you will attend family vacations in a fun facilitator capacity... But it will not be a vacation for you. At least not until the kids are old enough to stay behind with a family member. Hmm, I think the DH would have to stay behind to really. Insha'Allah, when my kids are old enough I am organizing a mommies only vacation... Walahi.

I am trying to work around construction at my business... And trying to build a new referral business (if you are interested in all natural cleaners, bath products and supplements drop me a line and I can tell you about it). I'm not really busy so much as I just wish I could focus on one thing. I am considering closing my store front if this referral business picks up as I hope it will. I would be able to do that from home. But then we get into the whole DH sleeping at home thing... So I think I would keep the location of my store as an office. I had to give up so much space in this construction process that it makes more sense as more of an office now anyway.

I think change is hard... And if I had to say where my stress comes from it would be lack of routine. It just seems like every day is different, and I think when you have young kids it is easier to have a routine. I would love to say that this will change... But I doubt it. One of the things that you give up when running a business is routine, there are different things to deal with every day. Sometimes that is good, most of the time I find myself recoiling when my plans get dashed by an "emergency".

Well, life goes on as they say. Insha'Allah all you fellow bloggers are well. I plan to read around checking up on all ya'll tonight;)

Meme, 6 weird things...

OK Surviving... Like there are only three!LOL Well here are the 6 wired things about me that I will try to place in some sort of order from almost normal to entirely bizarre:

6. I hate getting little hallmark type gifts from the men in my life. I know, but you see I'd really prefer that my man gets me something useful. I may be the only woman alive who actually would actually prefer a mixer to a pair of sapphire earrings... And incidentally my first Eid gift from DH was a freezer:)

5. I learned how to use handguns in college... And I keep saying I'm going to teach DH.

4. I have read every Anne Rice novel written, with the exception of those written under her pen name, Anne Rampling. They are crazy.

3. I am weary of western medicine. When I get diagnosed with anything I hit the books and try to find out the whole picture of the thing through all views. My DH calls my practices of using natural cures and alternative medicine "voodoo". He will ask me when I he is sick, "Do you have any voodoo for this?"...

2. I have a love/hate relationship with my TV. I love to watch TV. My favorite show being CSI, and then I am a learning channel (and all it's off shoots) junkie. I will watch almost anything on discovery health channel. I watch the birth shows just to torture myself I think though... Because I am always sitting there screaming "That is so unnecessary!!!" or "That's normal and they are treating it like a condition!".

Oh yeah, the hate part... I think TV lowers your IQ, and I wish I could throw mine away because if it is there I will watch it. And of course I think the kids REALLY don't need it.

1. So the wierdest thing about me, IMHO. I can read for hours and hours on end. I get interested in something and I get kinda obsessed... I will read everything I can find on the topic for weeks. I have a hard time doing this now because of the kids, but it is still there... I will stay up late reading and looking things up on the internet.

It's the end of the world as we know it...

This is a response that became a post:

Thanks sisters, I have been away from the comp and it was nice to see all your support. Yes to all of it... I have been working on a what if plan... How that will look I don't know right now. I wish I could say that DH will be able to make hajj, but with his health I don't know. Allahu Alim.

I guess the important thing is to take it one day at a time. There are things in the works that insha'Allah would allow DH to slow down in his job. I pray that they happen quickly and without too much nonsense.

I don't know that I really believe this is happening. Wiley, is that how you felt?

In all this I am planning the what ifs of my death too... Which is a little scary. I think we should all do it if we can. Purchase a plot, set aside the bucks.... Whatever has to be done. In our case we are moving towards that, something we have been saying we would do for years now.

The one thing that has changed is the moving to Egypt thing... Now we are really facing the questions of whether or not it is a good idea considering that I might be alone. Any thoughts from sisters who live there? Could I do it alone (assuming I had a financial plan and remembering that I have not yet learned Arabic)?

I just feel a little numb right now. We heard all this and then came home and life went on, 4 kids and two businesses right? ***big sigh***

Your days are numbered...

Well, the years are anyway. It seems that the condition that my husband has is not something that can be fixed and it is progressive. They hope that using oxygen all the time and a bi-pap at night will slow it down, but it looks like it will not be getting better. I don't think I have processed it yet, I just refuse to believe it. But it seems like maybe 10 more years is realistic. I don't know what to say... He wants to secure us financially, I just want him to get right with the deen. Please keep him in your dua. He's not that old kids... It would put him reaching his late 40's, which is just too young. I can only hope the docs are wrong.

Mama if that's movin' up then I'm movin' out...

Our house is in a state of disarray all the time... I'm sure this is not the first time that I have mentioned it, but last night DH said something that really stuck with me. The state of our house (eating in the living room in front of the TV was the specific topic) is affecting the kids and their manners/behavior. Yes it is. We never have a family dinner at the table because the table is covered with paperwork that I have been told don't touch. And yet somehow this is my fault because if I was perfect in all other areas and the rest of the house was in order he would fix his papers and clothes (which reside in my living room). Last night he was saying it is bad, and I have to do something about it. I agree, and I am sad to even walk into my house lately... I could be doing more for sure, I just can't bring myself to do it. But I told him today my first project was the dining room and the study (moving the dining room to the study after I clean it out) his response was don't get cute and touch my stuff. Which is it????

I am thinking that until we can get the mess under control separate houses is the only solution. I am moving in that direction. I know it has its downfalls, but I can't take living like this anymore. I told him last night... His question was until what happens? Well, maybe until the working nights thing is done, I don't know. I am tired of living in a house where I can't clean up half because it's off limits and I cant get into other rooms because he is sleeping... And the whole thing is making a crazy environment for my kids. I don't even know where it is headed right now, I just need some peace. My main problem with this is our rental (which is waiting to be sold) has so many problems. It only has two rooms, the location is freezing cold and too far out of town, it needs work, the flooring needs replaced... I just don't know.

I am waiting on it anyway, because DH is being admitted to the hospital next week for further testing and treatment for what is now being called Pulmonary Hypertension. If we are lucky it is not his heart. Make dua for him. I am in a weird place right now... I have always said that even sick people need to maintain some degree of civility, and he is not. It is hard to feel bad for him when he is after me all the time. Am I supposed to put up and shut up? I have gone our entire marriage without overt demands (although DH would say I manipulate to get my way)... Dare I start making them now?

I can't talk to him anymore, I only make him mad and give him fodder for future arguments. Could this be a phase our marriage will grow out of? Insha'Allah. I love my husband... But I don't like this side of him that has taken over his entire personality at this point. Allah help me.

Convert's Book/ HELP!!!

I am not the greatest writer I know, but I want to throw something that I have been working on for a long time out there to you. And somehow in all my chaos this is giving me a purpose, hope...

When I first converted I read a book called Daughters Of Another Path. It was great to be able to relate to the women whose stories were being told, but it was from a perspective outside the inner circle if you will (a mom writing about her daughter's conversion). I am looking for help in the form of sisters willing to write about their experiences, give advice to new converts, and maybe fill out a canned questionnaire that I am using to get some general info. My dream is to have a book for new Muslims, and probably just converts in general that can help through the transition(for lack of a better word) into Islam. There are 100's of how to pray, how to make wudu, these are the five pillars, don't do this or that books out there... But we lack a book that speaks truly to the largest section of the growth in the Muslim population... Western women. Do you see where I'm going with this? A kinda from the hip book with REAL advice and information, stories to relate to. Which brings me to another question... Would you buy such a book?

I also want to ask people who have had something published how they went about it. I think, insha'Allah, there is a market/need for this book... I just don't know how you ever get someone to publish you. Do I start with just ideas and samples, or do I wait until the whole book is done? My thing is, I want to have someone say they will publish so I can take care of all the legal things associated with having people contribute as the publisher wants... I would hate to have someone submit something that would not get added because I forgot to get all the pertinent info from them and I couldn't find them later.

The more I really commit to working on this, the more it is just kinda flowing... And I think if you choose to write about your conversion and your advice to new Muslims, you will find the same. I would have loved to find such a book when I first converted. Sisters and brothers, give a girl a helping hand here... Anything will help. Spread the word that I am looking for stories;)

Jazak'Allah Khair.

Write a letter...

I have never put to paper my thoughts about something in a letter to the editor before... But a story that I have seen repeated 100x's in various forms graced the cover of a Wyoming paper this week. Something in the shade of "State Spending on Better Childcare". HMPH. Now here is the rant. I will be adding some stuff pertaining to the article but this is the rough idea.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hope anyone who feels the same way as me will pick up a pen next time they see some article like the one I am responding to.

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I am all for better childcare, quality childcare, whatever you want to call it. But the fact is I am TIRED of government touting it as an alternative to parenting. It seems to be that we as a society are promoting programs for children to attend on a daily basis earlier and earlier, thus shifting the emphasis from family to state/community/society. This is wrong on so many levels. And I ask myself, how can we develop free thinkers out of a generation raised by the government? I am not saying that there are families that don't NEED these alternatives. There are. But why this push to send kids into institutionalized settings?

I propose that if the state/federal government is really concerned about the well being of the next generation they should pay mothers to stay home with their children instead of paying for their childcare. In areas like the one I live in where the majority jobs are those that fall into the hourly worker at minimum wage category, the government could actually SAVE on paying moms their lost wages rather than paying for their childcare. An impoverished mom here in WY can easily get daycare for her children covered by the state as long as she is working. But, it is more likely than not the her work doesn't pay more than the 6-7 dollars an hour the state would pay for daycare for her two children. Who wins here?

Isn't there some way to help people without telling them to pawn their kids off on daycare providers? How about paying dads a livable wage? How about cheaper healthcare for families? How about special work at home programs sponsored by the state? The truth is I think the government in this country is set to assume that if you don't have a net worth that passes the federal poverty line you are some sort of slacker and your children would be better off at the daycare anyway. Maybe I'm just a cynic.
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Counter Gems

I looked at the hit counter thing today. Can I just make mention of the fact that people google the craziest things? Here are my hit counter gems for the moment:

Men marry to procreate then have mistresses (Google)
egyptian's wife (Google)
islamic wife egypt (Google)
egyptian marriages (MSN)
egyptian's wife (Google)
Expectations of an Egyptian wife (Google)
moods cafe egypt (Google)
muslimahsewing (MSN)
muslim men wanting christian wife to further islam (Google)
egyptians/ average person in family (Google)

Man, I get so many of these how to find an Egyptian wife or some derivative of someone searching for an Egyptian wife I'm gonna start a dating service!LOL Then there are the what to expect when you marry an Egyptian querys... Well expect the unexpected, that's Egypt baby. Hmmm, I guess that's what you get when you have a title like Egyptian's wife.Can I just say I love these counter tools? Kinda brings out the nosiness in me!LOL

I have only one question... The guy asking about a Christian wife furthering islam... Is he asking about his Islam or hers?

Go Nominate Someone Already!

Hop on over to the Brass Crescent to nominate your favorite Muslim blogs for thier yearly awards. And bookmark it because the winners are worth a read;) Brass Crescent Nominations!

Just a little update

You know there is this moment in tough times in a relationship where you ask yourself, "Am I fighting the good fight or delaying the inevitable?" Well, here's hoping that we are all fighting the good fight. Insha'Allah.

DH's good friend from Egypt is coming. YEAH! I think it couldn't come at a better time. What a friend that he would come knowing that DH is having a tough time right now, masha'Allah. He's a good guy.

I started some classes at sunni path... Thanks for the recomendations;)

Funny quiz...

So every so often I feel one of these things nails me. Saw this one on HA.

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Shut up and drive

Well, reading back I have been in the dumps lately and this blog has been showing it. I have some posts with actual thoughts other than poor me coming... Just hang with me.

In my personal life I have decided that the only way I can get things back in order is to do it myself. No more nagging, no more wishing, no more hoping or complaining. And insha'Allah DH will get on the bus, because it's moving forward kids. In that spirit I signed up for some of Zaytuna's classes. Other things will have to wait. So keep me in your dua. If the family needs direction I am going to have to find a way to give it.

And on that subject, I called a couple of sheikhs about personal stuff and never actually got to speak to one. Brothers, I know you need your people answering the phone to help you manage your time... But if there is a sister who calls back several times sounding upset try to let them know to just put her through if she calls again, OK? And sisters answering the phones... Don't try to get the person to leave a detailed message (now some were really nice but others, well). Sometimes we can't be called back and most times we are not interested in telling our situation to anyone other than the person we are calling... OK?

****UPDATE****
Does anyone know about online courses in Islam??? I was under the impression that Zaytuna's new course offerings were going to be online, but alas it looks like no. I'm still set on doing some courses... But it looks like I have to keep looking.

Fired Fired Fired...

Well, on the morning of Eid, I had one of my hate the community moments and we decided to forgo the Eid prayer this year... Now don't give me grief because the thing is there is no spirituality in it for me here in this town. Mostly I just come home crying abut how everyone is really just there to hang with their ethnic community, and I really just don't get anything out of it. Actually dealings with the masjid seem to take me away from the deen more than towards it here, but that's another post. So we were snacking and decorating the house when the person above my DH in the business he has called and they told DH they were pulling his conrtract in thirty days. UGH

DH is upset, we are not sure about what we are doing... I want to just start applying elsewhere and move, he wants to keep all the little side contracts he has and just keep going (which would change our income dramatically). All that he can come back t is that because of various factors surrounding it, Allah must have some plan for him. Now I agree... But I don't think it is coming just sitting here. But here we are.

Please keep us in your dua. What have I been saying abut something big coming? Well here it is. Here it is.

Happy Eid!

Doing some cooking and gift wrapping but wanted to say Happy Eid to everyone. Wish I could invite you all for brunch;) We're having all sorts of sweets like baklava, kunaffa, ghairayb, petits fours, ... Oh and grape leaves, fatta, duck.... Like I said, I've been cooking!LOL

Random Thoughts

Since I have all these little things floating around in my head and none of them deserve their own post yet...

***My SIL are a freak, and a mean one. DH and I fight about the state of the house all the time... He thinks I am the laziest wife ever and I think he is the messiest husband ever. SIL revisits this topic ALL the time because she knows it is a point of contention. The latest? Telling repeated stories about all the weird flours I have and how the only thing she found to eat in the entire house was one bag of Wal-Mart hamburger buns. Kids.... DS and I have CELIACS, we don't really eat much bread and yes to the average person the flours I bake with are weird. But of course in spite of repeated warnings bread is ALL she feeds my son... Well that and pasta, grrrrrrr. And I am a more whole foods person, so you actually have to like prepare things in my kitchen (imagine that!) so they don't look like food to her. Yeah, you might actually have to like eat a vegetable or cut some cheese off the block.... And for spice lately she has to keep asking why we don't have mice in my messy kitchen. Well Psycho SIL because when you are there they are all snacking on the food you hoard in your room. :P

***North American women who convert to Islam are STRONG. Yes, it's true... And I know I am generalizing and all, but this is the case more times than not. As I loaded myself and the four kids into the car to go do manual labor to help my DH with his job at 6am in the freezing cold... I felt sure that no Egyptian woman I know would do that. I don't even know how an Egyptian woman would feel about the work he does... Not good is my guess because I myself hate it, but I think an Egyptian woman would feel that he was really dragging her through the mud. I have no such dignity. My experience with women from Arab/Pakistani women has never shown me anyone who does all the things and puts up with all the things that converts do. So lets pat our own backs for a minute here sisters, we are strong in our deen and strong for our families as a rule rather than an exception. I hope that we are not just stubborn, and sometimes maybe we are, but whatever the case we tolerate lots.

***Eid preparations have commenced at my house. DH still hasn't cleared the dining table, but I haven't started whining yet. Maybe I'll serve the Eid dinner on top of his paperwork... If I'm sure to cook something with plenty of sauce I'm sure he would learn his lesson. he he he

Let the games begin...

So rather than get getting our backs all arched up and hissing at each other... DH has proposed what might actually be a solution to our clutter/the house looks bad problem. Actually spending on furnishings. WHOOOOO. Now this is from the couple that spent an entire nine months saving change in a jar to buy a rocking chair when our DD was born. A couple of times DH has gotten a good deal on furniture and really helped out, alhamdulilah... But we never went out and got an actual living room set or something. Which is dumb really because we have it...

So, my first items? An entertainment center and a huge desk for DH's study. Now before you hate, just say masha'Allah and remember that I will be crying tears of blood while I get this house organised and cleaned out... DH's study alone will take days. But no buying untill there is a place for it. Oh, and the and the bathroom is going to get some serious work done on it too. Make dua we don't all suffocate in toxic mold spores when they tear that wall out... Yuck.

So pain and glory kids... Let the cleaning marathon begin.

All signs point to GET OUT!!!!!

-Horrible grouchy lady at the trailer park (we live in a trailer if you have never heard me talk about it before)has decided if I don't give her a reason to threaten eviction she will make one up. This time, the yard is too messy. Now people, DH is the first one to give me a heads up if the yard looks bad, and even he says it is fine.

-Other grouchy rental trailer lady told me I have to move my trailer or sell it because I have had too many people move in and out this year. Once again pulling rules from her butt because she hates us. Is there a club? Do they have shirts?

-By some crazy mix up the utility company credited one of my other accounts and the gas was shut off because of non-payment at our little rental house. Also an all things against us situation because the mailman has decided to stop delivering mail to that address because it is empty even though I have told them to keep delivering like 100x's... So I never got the disconnect notice.

-I got a call at the warehouse the other day, a person saying they were inquiring about a job listing, when I told them what we had open they said no they saw an ad for DH's job title. Now, it could just be a mix up... But DH is pretty upset and thinking they are offering his job up in preparation to fire him. Feeling that way about your job is no good even if you are wrong.

-Some lovely person called the police on DH the other day while he was waiting for me at the school saying he looked suspicious (code, he looks like a ME man).

-We went to the rental trailer to clean up, etc. and found that they have shut the water off. Why, because they like us, yeah sure....

-No one in the "community" here has even called us to wonder where we are, wish us happy Ramadan, whatever. I think they are probably spreading rumors about us converting or something by now.

I'm sure there are a few I am missing, but enough... I get it, now could He send DH the memo too?????

Actual conversations with Egyptian Husband...

EH: I can't eat anymore meat! You have been making meat every night and I can't take it anymore! Hilaus. I can't eat anymore meat.

So, I make a vegetarian iftar the next day. Baba Ganoush, stuffed peppers, veggie rice, salad and warm bread.

UL: (looking at EH's empty plate) Do you want another pepper or something?

EH: No, what kind of meat did you make?

UL: Uhhh, you said you couldn't eat anymore meat.

EH: You didn't make any meat?

UL: No.

EH: Could you do a steak for me quick?