READ THIS

If you have a girl in this generation that will have to be vaccinated for HPV by age 11, read this article and think about it. I have been harping on my suspicions that this vaccine might be a mistake and is mostly about money... I think this researcher is just the tip of the iceberg.

Top researcher: 'Untested' vaccine could harmSays HPV 'experiment' on girls might even increase cancer rate
http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=54713

**Sorry that I don't have a link, but stupid new version of blogger wouldn't accept my html for a link, anyone know about this?**

Does not play well with others

So, I am wondering if what is happening with me is normal married person stuff or not... I am feeling like a big failure in this whole partnership of marriage thing.

For the past few days I have been in the new apartment and my DH has been in the mobile home getting his things in order (theoretically anyway). And aside from having to clean two kitchens every day... I am much happier this way. I kinda wish we had the cash to just stay like this.

Maybe I am just happy to have a dining table to eat at and no one calling me to do something every 20 minutes.... I don't know. Is that just shallow selfish and unloving? Maybe because we have four kids I just am not coping very well with a needy adult right now (not that I think he's faking his illness or is just a lazy jerk).

Today for example I got up and made blueberry muffins and sent the kids off with nice lunches I had prepared most of the night before. Layla actually said on the way to school this morning, "Mommy this is the first time we are really ready and on time to school." It broke my heart because I knew what she was saying. I was just there getting them ready and they had a bath and everything the night before and their clothes were all laid out. Normally DH consumes so much of my morning with all his little requests that I end up feeling all rushed... And since his work is all over my dining table I just let the kids eat at a little craft table they have and everything is really loose and I somehow never get things done in time.

Now I will admit that in my discussions about all this with DH he has proposed a solution. Wake up earlier and do all your prep then. But somehow it just doesn't feel the same. No matter how early I get up I feel like I am rushing to get a lunch packed and clothes ready... I am just the type of person that has to do it the night before.

I am more centered when I am not with him. I think most of it is this night job truthfully. I wake up and the kitchen is a mess from him preparing food when he gets up, his clothes are all over the place and no matter how I left things when I went to bed they are always a disaster when I wake up. And for a person like me the overload means I just give up. I don't know anymore. I am starting to think that we are clashing to a point where it is effecting our time with the kids, and the way they are being raised.

I guess the truth is that if I have to choose between being a good mom and a good wife, good mom has to win. But how it is right now I am in the middle and doing a bad job at both. It's like both are a full time job and I am just taking from the one I am not focusing on when I am dealing with the other and both end up being half accomplished.

DH needs a wife with no kids. I think all the time about suggesting to him that he finds a second wife but I think that is not the solution really. What if she wants kids? How can he even commit to someone else when his health is so uncertain and he is not even sure about the security of the family he already has? How would he have us both so involved in his businesses like he wants his wife to be? There is no easy answer. It just seems that in the current situation every ones needs are going unmet, mine included.

YES!

Well, I have been moving things to the new house slowly... And I actually hooked up the comp and YES! High speed interenet without any fees! Wow, I am happy with that. It's the cool thing about where we moved (and why we choose it) no fees for cable, internet, phone, heat, power, NOTHING. Alhamdulilah. We were paying too much for all that at our mobile home. The only bad thing... No Arabic channels for DH. Sorry DH.

I am getting things in order, and running a pretty tight ship as far as getting rid of clutter. However I haven't convinced DH to move anything. I have the bad feeling he will bring tons of stuff... And I have a hard time telling him no. Insha'Allah he will see how nice the no clutter feeling is that he will be inspired to keep things at the office he is making. Oh, and not be tempted to buy too many groceries. Sometimes I wonder if that man grew up in the depression or something the way he loads up on food.

So, here I am in the new place. The beds come tomorrow and we will be here full time. Now if I can just things out of the way for the movers at the old house... Good grief, maybe I should just get a shovel and a dumpster!LOL Wouldn't DH love that;)

Calgon take me away!

Well, we haven't moved yet. Or rather I haven't moved us yet... And of all weekends to get the flu, I chose this one. I feel like I have been run over by a bus and I spent all of yesterday in the bathroom. To top it off DH had the urge to ask me about the to-do list he made on Thursday night to enquire if I had done it all yet. UGH I think the man has a death wish.

I guess what urks me the most is that he only does things related to his work, and he has this bizarre tendency to complicate things. So, he takes twice as long to get his work done since he goes about it in such a weird way. Sometimes this saves his behind, to be honest... Because he does everything like three times and has double and triple back-ups for everything. But mostly, I think he is making his job harder than it is. Now the weird thing in all of this? He hasn't done billing in so long that we have money out all over the place. Now why be all anal retentive about the parts of the job that don't bring you money to the point where you don't get the parts that do finished? I wish I had an answer.

So I have my to do list which includes some really impossible things (DH is always playing lets make a deal with everyone and lately sends me to do all the work, which I hate) and I have this house to move. I don't know if I will ever get it all done. I have to sell two cars and 14 church pews, get a conditional use (city permit) for our new property, move an old trailer we have (or convince them to break their no rentals rule), and get a handy man to start on the trailer we are living in so I can sell it. Who knows how huge a bill and a headache all this will be. Can you say OVERWHELMED? This man needs an assistant, not a wife.

All of this really messes with my head to tell you the truth. We are like rats on a wheel... He thinks we are investing and getting ahead, I think we are getting ourselves in too deep with all these complicated things. But this is from a woman who has been running a store for almost three years and hardly ever seeing any real profit from it, so I guess I am biased. And I guess I am irritated that all these new things are all about me. I am the one who has to do all the work for all these new projects. I don't really want to work more than I do. Insha'Allah it will all work out and we will see some money from this and DH can stop with the work he is doing and get a teaching job or something. And maybe I can actually be at home once in awhile...

Foreign Relations(hips)

I think there are many of us out there married to people from other countries in my generation. I applaud that, but I think you have to know that you will have to address your differences (and they do exist no matter how much you are convinced you are perfectly compatible in spite of being from different places). IMHO, if you are going to marry a person from a country and culture other than your own I think there should be a few ground rules... Here are a few I have thought of, maybe you have more:

1. Both persons should be amicable to living in the other's country. You never know where you will end up. The only exception I can think of is if one spouses country is just plain unlivable due to war, poverty, whatever...

2. Take off the rose colored glasses. Both spouses have to be willing to see their culture/country for what it is... Faults foibles and all... So be ready to really examine they "why" to how you do things and be flexible if the why has no clear answers.

3. Try to learn your spouse’s native language and have your children learn it too (usually one spouse already speaks the other's language and this is the common tongue for the household). If you are person speaking the his/her native language all the time try to imagine how your spouse feels not being able to speak to his/her own children in their first language.

4. Remember and be considerate of the fact that one of you will always be the foreigner. Before you say no to helping the other person with something remember how you would feel if you were trying to accomplish such a task in his/her country.

5. Make Islam (or whatever your core values are) the tiebreaker in all your decisions. There will be no "cultural norm" sometimes and you will need it.

6. When in doubt, talk it out. You can never assume that you have the same picture of a situation as your spouse (this may go for any marriage) and you don't want to get caught up in this... So make sure you see things the same way (or at least know how the other sees it) before making any life altering decisions.

7. Enjoy the diversity in your family and respect it. Don't let yourself choose one culture and make it the norm, let both cultures thrive. You will find there is good in both.

I'm sure there are more... Post them if you can think of any!

OK, let it be me who opens this can of worms...

I am seriously considering just selling everything. Now the only real problem with this is that Mr. Packrat might go into some sort of seizures when I actually do this. But, I have to say that I can't bear the thought of more storage spaces. We have three sheds already...And only one ever even gets touched (it has our camping things in it). I am tired of hauling things from one place to another. I am ready to just let it go.

I am negotiating with DH the purchase of a few new things to replace stuff I don't think is even worth moving... One being our 9 year old, dropped out of the moving truck 2 times, puked on, cat had her kittens on, sagging in the middle mattress... But DH keeps saying "M (the only other Egyptian in town who happens to be a millionaire) kept his mattress for 15 years! He didn't get a new one until he came with me to get ours at Sams and saw the king size for the queen size price!" UGH. M is a frequent example of these things... M also waited about 20 years to buy his wife an engagement ring even though was able to find it in the budget to buy boats and cars and motor homes for himself... So I don't think he is really an example to follow... Anyway, I want a new mattress and the only debate right now is queen or king???? We have always had a king and I know we think we cold move to a queen and give ourselves more room in the bedroom, but I wonder. I have a feeling it might end up with me sleeping on the couch because I keep falling off the limited space left on the bed!LOL

The other thing I want to replace is our glass shelved entertainment center that I had when I was a single woman in college with no kids to shift the glass and make me all worried... We have broken like 8 shelves over time, and we just keep replacing them. I know we will break more in this move... And I hate the thing anyway. So, I think I will replace it (I ended up not buying the one I had my eye on when we decided to redecorate because we got a couch and recliner instead. And I would really like to get a bedroom set... But I doubt that will happen. DH just doesn't think it is worth it. He would rather keep fixing drawers in the junk we have and keep going. Until when I say?

Well now for my can of worms...

I just want to say this. Man on the moon, no safe birth control for women? Have you all been following the whole thing with the ortho-evra patch? Now see this is why I think barrier methods are the only safe option. I have done other things out of desperation and been sorry every time. When will they come up with something that actually works and doesn't mess with your body? Well, I'm waiting... But until then, spontaneity is the enemy:P

Little boxes...

Well, if I feel like the world is closing in on me lately it's because it is. My store got chopped in half in January (and I still don't have the promised new bathroom in my half) and now my housing space is about to get cut from 2000 square feet to 800. By choice, of course, and for a variety of reasons including the need to sell this place we are in because the market is going down down down in our town and we need to sell it while we can still get a good price...

So, clean sweep style we are going to sell it all baby, sell it all. Our plan is to move with only the bare minimum (what this means I don't yet know). My biggest fear is that DH won't be able to part with his junk, ahem, personal belongings. As I have told UmmMai, the man once kept a broken iron for 6 years moving it from house to house with the promise to fix it. The other thing i am a little worried about it fitting the kids all into one bedroom, when they currently have a room and a playroom.

The up shot is, DH is FINALY getting an office. YES! That means his work will no longer occupy my dining table, insha'Allah. Which is worth the squeezing into a smaller space for now since it means no matter where we end up after this we will have gotten rid of this problem and we will actually have a table to eat dinner at! So, I am off to measure the new place today and start making the tough decisions about furniture... And start dreaming up storage solutions...

In a way I am really looking forward to it because it is a chance to simplify, and I have been wanting to do that. The only hard part will be convincing DH that he needs to remember how much space we have. No more buying 20 fridge packs of coke because it s on sale honey! And the second juicer, it will have to go... Along with the box of broken electronic devices that only cost $5 to replace. What is the point of keeping the CD player/radio that is only a radio now I will never understand.

Quiz

Well I was an English Education/ Theatre major....

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well. An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly. You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view. A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary. You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Granola recipe

OK ummbadier, you asked for it. I can't say that I have any luck with bars either... But I can give you my granola recipe, but there is lots of variation when you make it. I will try to cover the common substitutions.

UmmLayla's Crunchy Mama Granola

3 cups of rolled oats
1 cup unsalted nuts (sliced almonds and cashews bits are my favorite)
1/2 cup shredded sweet coconut
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup maple syrup (you can also use honey)
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup dried fruit (raisons, cranberries, mixed fruit)
Optional ingredients: 1/2 cup wheat germ, 1 tsp cinnamon, 1 tbsp nutritional yeast, 1/2 cup seeds (sunflower, pumpkin, whatever), 1/4 cup soy grits

Mix everything but the dried fruit and bake for an hour @ 250. After baking add the fruit and after it cools put it in an airtight container! Yummm. Great on yogurt, ice cream, and you can add a cup to your favorite bread recipe and make cool little granola breakfast rolls;)

Still crazy after all these years...

I came home from a trip to Ft Collins and the whole foods market the other day baffled at the changes that have been brewing in the whole foods arena for a few years but have exploded recently. I couldn’t believe that I had to really look at things and try to decide if it was really the product I wanted or just something in a pretty package claiming to be whole grain/organic. I mean sheesh, when I see no hormones or antibiotics added I’m like well, no s&*%… I am wondering more about what you were feeding the chicken BEFORE he made it into the butcher paper.

I read Diet for a Small Planet when I was about 14... And became a dedicated vegetarian for many years. I still have that leaning to be honest. And if I didn't fear that my family would slaughter me for dinner if they were deprived for too long I think I would still be a vegetarian. Now not because I like cute sweet little animals too much to eat them, or I bought into PETA's propaganda... But because the earth and our bodies were not meant to accommodate our over-indulgence in animal products. I have gotten away from the practice, but not the ideas. I guess no matter what the exterior changes to over the years I am still crunchy on the inside. Man, I make my own granola and serve my kids soy protein shakes for breakfast.

So what is my latest pet peeve in my pursuit of all naturalness??? The fact that the popularity of the idea has brought about a real nightmare in the natural food isles. What is "natural" and what does that label mean when you see it on a product? Can Wal-Mart really be trusted to produce a line or "organic" products? Is an organic oreo really healthy? Eating whole food requires a change. You can't just get organic whole grain McDonalds and call it good. You will have to eat things you may not have tried before. You will have to cook your rice longer... You might actually have to read a label.

The drive for more organic goods has not helped with quality or availability as much as it has brought a bunch of questionable wanna-be prepared foods into the arena. Now I am all for more people buying organic, but not if they are buying it for the same reason they are sporting their versace jeans. hmph.

Maybe we should institute armpit hair checks for truly crunchy people before they are allowed to shop at whole foods markets... What do you think? There could also be like screening questions. Do you know what millet is? Do you have your own bags to carry the groceries you are about to purchase? Have you ever shopped at a thrift store? And if they didn't pass you could send them to the psuedo-whole foods market where they sell the "organic" "whole grain" stuff that those big companies are producing to keep people happy. What do you think?

Living in a small town while Muslim

When you have a last name and a face like DH, people don't forget you. And in a small town this is never good for a minority. It seems like this week has just been bad with that.

I mentioned in an earlier post my DH being stopped by the police when picking me and the kids up at school... Well that same officer came when he called the other day because a lady was spitting at him and got into his car and started hitting him with a rolled up newspaper (long story), and had the nerve to have him "step away from the vehicle" even after he insisted that our 4yo was in the car and he thought he should stay with him. And get this... The lady remembered the call where she stopped us and thought maybe he started the altercation with this crazy woman because he thought she was the person who called on him back on September of '06... WHAT? OK, lets review... We had no idea who called on him and really thought it was no big deal since the lady saw him with the kids and me... And you should just basically erase the call about him sitting on the school grounds once you know he has kids in said school, right? Basically she told him he was intimidating the woman, and it was all his fault and to watch himself in the future. UGH

Then, I got a call from the youth officer about the kids being absent (which was excused BTW) last week. He said we have reached a list of some sort where they have to warn us no more tardy or absent kiddos. Fine. But the day after DH's run in with the officer who patrols the kid's school area?

Then, a grouchy lady at the bank who has just always hated me didn't want to issue my DH a new card (his doesn't work) because I ask her to issue new cards all the time and she can't keep doing that. Come to find out she is talking about a time last year before the baby was born when I had to have new cards issued because one got lost in the mail and two for another account had the names wrong. UGH

DH is mad. Really mad. He thinks I have to be super careful about things because I should know people here are out to get us. My mistakes give them a reason to pick on us. Well, I can't deny that our problems with the park manager here where we live have something to do with my confronting her when she comes knocking at my door to complain about kid's toys in the yard... Considering that I got a place with a yard so the kids could have outside toys, yeah it ruffles my fur a little. And, I am not so great with the tardy thing... But the no more than 5 tardys a year thing is a little extreme, at least for a lady dragging four kids in the snow at 8am. And the bank, I just don't know what to say about that. I make them actually work sometimes (counting coins being their least favorite), and you know how employees hate that.

You know, the more I think about it the more the only good that could come out of this place is a piece of land where we could raise some chickens and maybe a dairy cow and a big fat organic garden. Insha'Allah. Insha'Allah.

Egypt?

We have been saying for years now that we will go to Egypt once our kids are older. Older being relative... It seems like we mean older than they are at the time we are talking, which of course just keeps changing since we never really defined "older". Lately however, we have defined older. When our oldest is 9-10. Which is coming in the next few years... So we have started to look at what moving to Egypt would actually entail. Wow.

There are so many questions to answer... What would be our source of income? Would the kids know Arabic well enough to attend an Egyptian school? Where would we live? How would I learn Arabic? How long would we stay? Just so many things to consider... And we are talking two years down the road.

From people who have made this change... What are the things you took into consideration? How long did it take you from we should move to actually moving? How does an Egyptian life for American kids look? Do they adapt easily? How did you choose where to live? What are the things you wish you had or had not done? And finally, am I crazy for already thinking about this? You see we are planning a trip soon, insha'Allah, and I am thinking maybe we should try to get things in order somewhat while we are there... Maybe we should really look at the apartments the family has to see if any of them make sense for us at least?

I am just swimming in this whole idea today for some reason. You see I have known it is coming, and for some reason I guess I have always treated this place like a student or something. Maybe not Egypt... But somewhere other than here will be our permanent home I think. Allahu Alim. Strangely, it gives me some peace to look at it like a goal, maybe that is why I am thinking about it so much as we get things with our lives rolling in a new direction.

Muslim wife vs American woman

I was thinking about how I sometimes feel this dichotomy, this weird war that I have to mediate inside my head between the Muslim wife and the American woman. Most of the time the Muslim wife wins... But I am just wondering if anyone else ever feels this?

The Muslim wife says, just listen to your husband... The American woman says, you're an adult and you have your own way of doing things. The Muslim wife says have patience with him... The American woman says, screw him, you can do it on your own. UmmAbdulrahman made a comment on someone's blog the other day that Muslim women forget that they have the right to be happy... Yes we do. So I wonder sometimes how do I draw the line between being accommodating and being a doormat? It seems that the Muslim wife in me is always pushing for patience no matter what, but maybe that is wrong... Maybe we are better Muslim wives by taking a stand when it is needed. Maybe there is a moment where the American side should be giving us the backbone to stand up for the deen, our children, and ourselves. Is there a way to meld the two into an ideal one? Allah knows I am trying.

Into the woods to grandmother's house...

Well, I am up early getting ready for a trip to Denver today... Or at least that was my plan. I didn't really get up early enough to get everything done and now I am wondering what I was thinking not just staying up last night. I always THINK I will get up early and after 32 years you would think I would know that I won't. Oh, I'll wake up... And drowsily mill around praying and nursing the baby, then right back to bed. Actually, the baby knows my alarm and will wake up when it goes off, so my first order of business is always putting her back to sleep... Then good luck keeping me awake. So, I'll be scrambling to pack (as usual) at 2 in the afternoon when we need to leave by 3.

I have been considering just staying here and letting DH take the kids for the weekend. But he won't hear anything of it. Not like he cherishes the time with me or anything, he just wants to stay in the hotel and sleep all day while I take the kids out. Well, anyway... I guess I should get back to work or something. ugh.

I need a vacation...

Well, I can't believe that January has come and gone so quickly... Here we are at the end on the month and I feel like I just rang in the New Year. I have been trying to get things organized around the house. The playroom is becoming a girl's room, and hopefully the shelves I spent a day installing for DH in his work area will get used. Although after 3 weeks I am wondering how likely that really is. You can lead a horse to water, right?

I would love to take a break... But of course that would be unlikely if not impossible. You see one of the secrets that no one tells you about getting married and having kids is that you no longer get vacations. Oh, you will attend family vacations in a fun facilitator capacity... But it will not be a vacation for you. At least not until the kids are old enough to stay behind with a family member. Hmm, I think the DH would have to stay behind to really. Insha'Allah, when my kids are old enough I am organizing a mommies only vacation... Walahi.

I am trying to work around construction at my business... And trying to build a new referral business (if you are interested in all natural cleaners, bath products and supplements drop me a line and I can tell you about it). I'm not really busy so much as I just wish I could focus on one thing. I am considering closing my store front if this referral business picks up as I hope it will. I would be able to do that from home. But then we get into the whole DH sleeping at home thing... So I think I would keep the location of my store as an office. I had to give up so much space in this construction process that it makes more sense as more of an office now anyway.

I think change is hard... And if I had to say where my stress comes from it would be lack of routine. It just seems like every day is different, and I think when you have young kids it is easier to have a routine. I would love to say that this will change... But I doubt it. One of the things that you give up when running a business is routine, there are different things to deal with every day. Sometimes that is good, most of the time I find myself recoiling when my plans get dashed by an "emergency".

Well, life goes on as they say. Insha'Allah all you fellow bloggers are well. I plan to read around checking up on all ya'll tonight;)

Meme, 6 weird things...

OK Surviving... Like there are only three!LOL Well here are the 6 wired things about me that I will try to place in some sort of order from almost normal to entirely bizarre:

6. I hate getting little hallmark type gifts from the men in my life. I know, but you see I'd really prefer that my man gets me something useful. I may be the only woman alive who actually would actually prefer a mixer to a pair of sapphire earrings... And incidentally my first Eid gift from DH was a freezer:)

5. I learned how to use handguns in college... And I keep saying I'm going to teach DH.

4. I have read every Anne Rice novel written, with the exception of those written under her pen name, Anne Rampling. They are crazy.

3. I am weary of western medicine. When I get diagnosed with anything I hit the books and try to find out the whole picture of the thing through all views. My DH calls my practices of using natural cures and alternative medicine "voodoo". He will ask me when I he is sick, "Do you have any voodoo for this?"...

2. I have a love/hate relationship with my TV. I love to watch TV. My favorite show being CSI, and then I am a learning channel (and all it's off shoots) junkie. I will watch almost anything on discovery health channel. I watch the birth shows just to torture myself I think though... Because I am always sitting there screaming "That is so unnecessary!!!" or "That's normal and they are treating it like a condition!".

Oh yeah, the hate part... I think TV lowers your IQ, and I wish I could throw mine away because if it is there I will watch it. And of course I think the kids REALLY don't need it.

1. So the wierdest thing about me, IMHO. I can read for hours and hours on end. I get interested in something and I get kinda obsessed... I will read everything I can find on the topic for weeks. I have a hard time doing this now because of the kids, but it is still there... I will stay up late reading and looking things up on the internet.

It's the end of the world as we know it...

This is a response that became a post:

Thanks sisters, I have been away from the comp and it was nice to see all your support. Yes to all of it... I have been working on a what if plan... How that will look I don't know right now. I wish I could say that DH will be able to make hajj, but with his health I don't know. Allahu Alim.

I guess the important thing is to take it one day at a time. There are things in the works that insha'Allah would allow DH to slow down in his job. I pray that they happen quickly and without too much nonsense.

I don't know that I really believe this is happening. Wiley, is that how you felt?

In all this I am planning the what ifs of my death too... Which is a little scary. I think we should all do it if we can. Purchase a plot, set aside the bucks.... Whatever has to be done. In our case we are moving towards that, something we have been saying we would do for years now.

The one thing that has changed is the moving to Egypt thing... Now we are really facing the questions of whether or not it is a good idea considering that I might be alone. Any thoughts from sisters who live there? Could I do it alone (assuming I had a financial plan and remembering that I have not yet learned Arabic)?

I just feel a little numb right now. We heard all this and then came home and life went on, 4 kids and two businesses right? ***big sigh***

Your days are numbered...

Well, the years are anyway. It seems that the condition that my husband has is not something that can be fixed and it is progressive. They hope that using oxygen all the time and a bi-pap at night will slow it down, but it looks like it will not be getting better. I don't think I have processed it yet, I just refuse to believe it. But it seems like maybe 10 more years is realistic. I don't know what to say... He wants to secure us financially, I just want him to get right with the deen. Please keep him in your dua. He's not that old kids... It would put him reaching his late 40's, which is just too young. I can only hope the docs are wrong.

Mama if that's movin' up then I'm movin' out...

Our house is in a state of disarray all the time... I'm sure this is not the first time that I have mentioned it, but last night DH said something that really stuck with me. The state of our house (eating in the living room in front of the TV was the specific topic) is affecting the kids and their manners/behavior. Yes it is. We never have a family dinner at the table because the table is covered with paperwork that I have been told don't touch. And yet somehow this is my fault because if I was perfect in all other areas and the rest of the house was in order he would fix his papers and clothes (which reside in my living room). Last night he was saying it is bad, and I have to do something about it. I agree, and I am sad to even walk into my house lately... I could be doing more for sure, I just can't bring myself to do it. But I told him today my first project was the dining room and the study (moving the dining room to the study after I clean it out) his response was don't get cute and touch my stuff. Which is it????

I am thinking that until we can get the mess under control separate houses is the only solution. I am moving in that direction. I know it has its downfalls, but I can't take living like this anymore. I told him last night... His question was until what happens? Well, maybe until the working nights thing is done, I don't know. I am tired of living in a house where I can't clean up half because it's off limits and I cant get into other rooms because he is sleeping... And the whole thing is making a crazy environment for my kids. I don't even know where it is headed right now, I just need some peace. My main problem with this is our rental (which is waiting to be sold) has so many problems. It only has two rooms, the location is freezing cold and too far out of town, it needs work, the flooring needs replaced... I just don't know.

I am waiting on it anyway, because DH is being admitted to the hospital next week for further testing and treatment for what is now being called Pulmonary Hypertension. If we are lucky it is not his heart. Make dua for him. I am in a weird place right now... I have always said that even sick people need to maintain some degree of civility, and he is not. It is hard to feel bad for him when he is after me all the time. Am I supposed to put up and shut up? I have gone our entire marriage without overt demands (although DH would say I manipulate to get my way)... Dare I start making them now?

I can't talk to him anymore, I only make him mad and give him fodder for future arguments. Could this be a phase our marriage will grow out of? Insha'Allah. I love my husband... But I don't like this side of him that has taken over his entire personality at this point. Allah help me.

Convert's Book/ HELP!!!

I am not the greatest writer I know, but I want to throw something that I have been working on for a long time out there to you. And somehow in all my chaos this is giving me a purpose, hope...

When I first converted I read a book called Daughters Of Another Path. It was great to be able to relate to the women whose stories were being told, but it was from a perspective outside the inner circle if you will (a mom writing about her daughter's conversion). I am looking for help in the form of sisters willing to write about their experiences, give advice to new converts, and maybe fill out a canned questionnaire that I am using to get some general info. My dream is to have a book for new Muslims, and probably just converts in general that can help through the transition(for lack of a better word) into Islam. There are 100's of how to pray, how to make wudu, these are the five pillars, don't do this or that books out there... But we lack a book that speaks truly to the largest section of the growth in the Muslim population... Western women. Do you see where I'm going with this? A kinda from the hip book with REAL advice and information, stories to relate to. Which brings me to another question... Would you buy such a book?

I also want to ask people who have had something published how they went about it. I think, insha'Allah, there is a market/need for this book... I just don't know how you ever get someone to publish you. Do I start with just ideas and samples, or do I wait until the whole book is done? My thing is, I want to have someone say they will publish so I can take care of all the legal things associated with having people contribute as the publisher wants... I would hate to have someone submit something that would not get added because I forgot to get all the pertinent info from them and I couldn't find them later.

The more I really commit to working on this, the more it is just kinda flowing... And I think if you choose to write about your conversion and your advice to new Muslims, you will find the same. I would have loved to find such a book when I first converted. Sisters and brothers, give a girl a helping hand here... Anything will help. Spread the word that I am looking for stories;)

Jazak'Allah Khair.