Your days are numbered...

Well, the years are anyway. It seems that the condition that my husband has is not something that can be fixed and it is progressive. They hope that using oxygen all the time and a bi-pap at night will slow it down, but it looks like it will not be getting better. I don't think I have processed it yet, I just refuse to believe it. But it seems like maybe 10 more years is realistic. I don't know what to say... He wants to secure us financially, I just want him to get right with the deen. Please keep him in your dua. He's not that old kids... It would put him reaching his late 40's, which is just too young. I can only hope the docs are wrong.

Mama if that's movin' up then I'm movin' out...

Our house is in a state of disarray all the time... I'm sure this is not the first time that I have mentioned it, but last night DH said something that really stuck with me. The state of our house (eating in the living room in front of the TV was the specific topic) is affecting the kids and their manners/behavior. Yes it is. We never have a family dinner at the table because the table is covered with paperwork that I have been told don't touch. And yet somehow this is my fault because if I was perfect in all other areas and the rest of the house was in order he would fix his papers and clothes (which reside in my living room). Last night he was saying it is bad, and I have to do something about it. I agree, and I am sad to even walk into my house lately... I could be doing more for sure, I just can't bring myself to do it. But I told him today my first project was the dining room and the study (moving the dining room to the study after I clean it out) his response was don't get cute and touch my stuff. Which is it????

I am thinking that until we can get the mess under control separate houses is the only solution. I am moving in that direction. I know it has its downfalls, but I can't take living like this anymore. I told him last night... His question was until what happens? Well, maybe until the working nights thing is done, I don't know. I am tired of living in a house where I can't clean up half because it's off limits and I cant get into other rooms because he is sleeping... And the whole thing is making a crazy environment for my kids. I don't even know where it is headed right now, I just need some peace. My main problem with this is our rental (which is waiting to be sold) has so many problems. It only has two rooms, the location is freezing cold and too far out of town, it needs work, the flooring needs replaced... I just don't know.

I am waiting on it anyway, because DH is being admitted to the hospital next week for further testing and treatment for what is now being called Pulmonary Hypertension. If we are lucky it is not his heart. Make dua for him. I am in a weird place right now... I have always said that even sick people need to maintain some degree of civility, and he is not. It is hard to feel bad for him when he is after me all the time. Am I supposed to put up and shut up? I have gone our entire marriage without overt demands (although DH would say I manipulate to get my way)... Dare I start making them now?

I can't talk to him anymore, I only make him mad and give him fodder for future arguments. Could this be a phase our marriage will grow out of? Insha'Allah. I love my husband... But I don't like this side of him that has taken over his entire personality at this point. Allah help me.

Convert's Book/ HELP!!!

I am not the greatest writer I know, but I want to throw something that I have been working on for a long time out there to you. And somehow in all my chaos this is giving me a purpose, hope...

When I first converted I read a book called Daughters Of Another Path. It was great to be able to relate to the women whose stories were being told, but it was from a perspective outside the inner circle if you will (a mom writing about her daughter's conversion). I am looking for help in the form of sisters willing to write about their experiences, give advice to new converts, and maybe fill out a canned questionnaire that I am using to get some general info. My dream is to have a book for new Muslims, and probably just converts in general that can help through the transition(for lack of a better word) into Islam. There are 100's of how to pray, how to make wudu, these are the five pillars, don't do this or that books out there... But we lack a book that speaks truly to the largest section of the growth in the Muslim population... Western women. Do you see where I'm going with this? A kinda from the hip book with REAL advice and information, stories to relate to. Which brings me to another question... Would you buy such a book?

I also want to ask people who have had something published how they went about it. I think, insha'Allah, there is a market/need for this book... I just don't know how you ever get someone to publish you. Do I start with just ideas and samples, or do I wait until the whole book is done? My thing is, I want to have someone say they will publish so I can take care of all the legal things associated with having people contribute as the publisher wants... I would hate to have someone submit something that would not get added because I forgot to get all the pertinent info from them and I couldn't find them later.

The more I really commit to working on this, the more it is just kinda flowing... And I think if you choose to write about your conversion and your advice to new Muslims, you will find the same. I would have loved to find such a book when I first converted. Sisters and brothers, give a girl a helping hand here... Anything will help. Spread the word that I am looking for stories;)

Jazak'Allah Khair.

Write a letter...

I have never put to paper my thoughts about something in a letter to the editor before... But a story that I have seen repeated 100x's in various forms graced the cover of a Wyoming paper this week. Something in the shade of "State Spending on Better Childcare". HMPH. Now here is the rant. I will be adding some stuff pertaining to the article but this is the rough idea.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hope anyone who feels the same way as me will pick up a pen next time they see some article like the one I am responding to.

*********************
I am all for better childcare, quality childcare, whatever you want to call it. But the fact is I am TIRED of government touting it as an alternative to parenting. It seems to be that we as a society are promoting programs for children to attend on a daily basis earlier and earlier, thus shifting the emphasis from family to state/community/society. This is wrong on so many levels. And I ask myself, how can we develop free thinkers out of a generation raised by the government? I am not saying that there are families that don't NEED these alternatives. There are. But why this push to send kids into institutionalized settings?

I propose that if the state/federal government is really concerned about the well being of the next generation they should pay mothers to stay home with their children instead of paying for their childcare. In areas like the one I live in where the majority jobs are those that fall into the hourly worker at minimum wage category, the government could actually SAVE on paying moms their lost wages rather than paying for their childcare. An impoverished mom here in WY can easily get daycare for her children covered by the state as long as she is working. But, it is more likely than not the her work doesn't pay more than the 6-7 dollars an hour the state would pay for daycare for her two children. Who wins here?

Isn't there some way to help people without telling them to pawn their kids off on daycare providers? How about paying dads a livable wage? How about cheaper healthcare for families? How about special work at home programs sponsored by the state? The truth is I think the government in this country is set to assume that if you don't have a net worth that passes the federal poverty line you are some sort of slacker and your children would be better off at the daycare anyway. Maybe I'm just a cynic.
************************

Counter Gems

I looked at the hit counter thing today. Can I just make mention of the fact that people google the craziest things? Here are my hit counter gems for the moment:

Men marry to procreate then have mistresses (Google)
egyptian's wife (Google)
islamic wife egypt (Google)
egyptian marriages (MSN)
egyptian's wife (Google)
Expectations of an Egyptian wife (Google)
moods cafe egypt (Google)
muslimahsewing (MSN)
muslim men wanting christian wife to further islam (Google)
egyptians/ average person in family (Google)

Man, I get so many of these how to find an Egyptian wife or some derivative of someone searching for an Egyptian wife I'm gonna start a dating service!LOL Then there are the what to expect when you marry an Egyptian querys... Well expect the unexpected, that's Egypt baby. Hmmm, I guess that's what you get when you have a title like Egyptian's wife.Can I just say I love these counter tools? Kinda brings out the nosiness in me!LOL

I have only one question... The guy asking about a Christian wife furthering islam... Is he asking about his Islam or hers?

Go Nominate Someone Already!

Hop on over to the Brass Crescent to nominate your favorite Muslim blogs for thier yearly awards. And bookmark it because the winners are worth a read;) Brass Crescent Nominations!

Just a little update

You know there is this moment in tough times in a relationship where you ask yourself, "Am I fighting the good fight or delaying the inevitable?" Well, here's hoping that we are all fighting the good fight. Insha'Allah.

DH's good friend from Egypt is coming. YEAH! I think it couldn't come at a better time. What a friend that he would come knowing that DH is having a tough time right now, masha'Allah. He's a good guy.

I started some classes at sunni path... Thanks for the recomendations;)

Funny quiz...

So every so often I feel one of these things nails me. Saw this one on HA.

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Shut up and drive

Well, reading back I have been in the dumps lately and this blog has been showing it. I have some posts with actual thoughts other than poor me coming... Just hang with me.

In my personal life I have decided that the only way I can get things back in order is to do it myself. No more nagging, no more wishing, no more hoping or complaining. And insha'Allah DH will get on the bus, because it's moving forward kids. In that spirit I signed up for some of Zaytuna's classes. Other things will have to wait. So keep me in your dua. If the family needs direction I am going to have to find a way to give it.

And on that subject, I called a couple of sheikhs about personal stuff and never actually got to speak to one. Brothers, I know you need your people answering the phone to help you manage your time... But if there is a sister who calls back several times sounding upset try to let them know to just put her through if she calls again, OK? And sisters answering the phones... Don't try to get the person to leave a detailed message (now some were really nice but others, well). Sometimes we can't be called back and most times we are not interested in telling our situation to anyone other than the person we are calling... OK?

****UPDATE****
Does anyone know about online courses in Islam??? I was under the impression that Zaytuna's new course offerings were going to be online, but alas it looks like no. I'm still set on doing some courses... But it looks like I have to keep looking.

Fired Fired Fired...

Well, on the morning of Eid, I had one of my hate the community moments and we decided to forgo the Eid prayer this year... Now don't give me grief because the thing is there is no spirituality in it for me here in this town. Mostly I just come home crying abut how everyone is really just there to hang with their ethnic community, and I really just don't get anything out of it. Actually dealings with the masjid seem to take me away from the deen more than towards it here, but that's another post. So we were snacking and decorating the house when the person above my DH in the business he has called and they told DH they were pulling his conrtract in thirty days. UGH

DH is upset, we are not sure about what we are doing... I want to just start applying elsewhere and move, he wants to keep all the little side contracts he has and just keep going (which would change our income dramatically). All that he can come back t is that because of various factors surrounding it, Allah must have some plan for him. Now I agree... But I don't think it is coming just sitting here. But here we are.

Please keep us in your dua. What have I been saying abut something big coming? Well here it is. Here it is.

Happy Eid!

Doing some cooking and gift wrapping but wanted to say Happy Eid to everyone. Wish I could invite you all for brunch;) We're having all sorts of sweets like baklava, kunaffa, ghairayb, petits fours, ... Oh and grape leaves, fatta, duck.... Like I said, I've been cooking!LOL

Random Thoughts

Since I have all these little things floating around in my head and none of them deserve their own post yet...

***My SIL are a freak, and a mean one. DH and I fight about the state of the house all the time... He thinks I am the laziest wife ever and I think he is the messiest husband ever. SIL revisits this topic ALL the time because she knows it is a point of contention. The latest? Telling repeated stories about all the weird flours I have and how the only thing she found to eat in the entire house was one bag of Wal-Mart hamburger buns. Kids.... DS and I have CELIACS, we don't really eat much bread and yes to the average person the flours I bake with are weird. But of course in spite of repeated warnings bread is ALL she feeds my son... Well that and pasta, grrrrrrr. And I am a more whole foods person, so you actually have to like prepare things in my kitchen (imagine that!) so they don't look like food to her. Yeah, you might actually have to like eat a vegetable or cut some cheese off the block.... And for spice lately she has to keep asking why we don't have mice in my messy kitchen. Well Psycho SIL because when you are there they are all snacking on the food you hoard in your room. :P

***North American women who convert to Islam are STRONG. Yes, it's true... And I know I am generalizing and all, but this is the case more times than not. As I loaded myself and the four kids into the car to go do manual labor to help my DH with his job at 6am in the freezing cold... I felt sure that no Egyptian woman I know would do that. I don't even know how an Egyptian woman would feel about the work he does... Not good is my guess because I myself hate it, but I think an Egyptian woman would feel that he was really dragging her through the mud. I have no such dignity. My experience with women from Arab/Pakistani women has never shown me anyone who does all the things and puts up with all the things that converts do. So lets pat our own backs for a minute here sisters, we are strong in our deen and strong for our families as a rule rather than an exception. I hope that we are not just stubborn, and sometimes maybe we are, but whatever the case we tolerate lots.

***Eid preparations have commenced at my house. DH still hasn't cleared the dining table, but I haven't started whining yet. Maybe I'll serve the Eid dinner on top of his paperwork... If I'm sure to cook something with plenty of sauce I'm sure he would learn his lesson. he he he

Let the games begin...

So rather than get getting our backs all arched up and hissing at each other... DH has proposed what might actually be a solution to our clutter/the house looks bad problem. Actually spending on furnishings. WHOOOOO. Now this is from the couple that spent an entire nine months saving change in a jar to buy a rocking chair when our DD was born. A couple of times DH has gotten a good deal on furniture and really helped out, alhamdulilah... But we never went out and got an actual living room set or something. Which is dumb really because we have it...

So, my first items? An entertainment center and a huge desk for DH's study. Now before you hate, just say masha'Allah and remember that I will be crying tears of blood while I get this house organised and cleaned out... DH's study alone will take days. But no buying untill there is a place for it. Oh, and the and the bathroom is going to get some serious work done on it too. Make dua we don't all suffocate in toxic mold spores when they tear that wall out... Yuck.

So pain and glory kids... Let the cleaning marathon begin.

All signs point to GET OUT!!!!!

-Horrible grouchy lady at the trailer park (we live in a trailer if you have never heard me talk about it before)has decided if I don't give her a reason to threaten eviction she will make one up. This time, the yard is too messy. Now people, DH is the first one to give me a heads up if the yard looks bad, and even he says it is fine.

-Other grouchy rental trailer lady told me I have to move my trailer or sell it because I have had too many people move in and out this year. Once again pulling rules from her butt because she hates us. Is there a club? Do they have shirts?

-By some crazy mix up the utility company credited one of my other accounts and the gas was shut off because of non-payment at our little rental house. Also an all things against us situation because the mailman has decided to stop delivering mail to that address because it is empty even though I have told them to keep delivering like 100x's... So I never got the disconnect notice.

-I got a call at the warehouse the other day, a person saying they were inquiring about a job listing, when I told them what we had open they said no they saw an ad for DH's job title. Now, it could just be a mix up... But DH is pretty upset and thinking they are offering his job up in preparation to fire him. Feeling that way about your job is no good even if you are wrong.

-Some lovely person called the police on DH the other day while he was waiting for me at the school saying he looked suspicious (code, he looks like a ME man).

-We went to the rental trailer to clean up, etc. and found that they have shut the water off. Why, because they like us, yeah sure....

-No one in the "community" here has even called us to wonder where we are, wish us happy Ramadan, whatever. I think they are probably spreading rumors about us converting or something by now.

I'm sure there are a few I am missing, but enough... I get it, now could He send DH the memo too?????

Actual conversations with Egyptian Husband...

EH: I can't eat anymore meat! You have been making meat every night and I can't take it anymore! Hilaus. I can't eat anymore meat.

So, I make a vegetarian iftar the next day. Baba Ganoush, stuffed peppers, veggie rice, salad and warm bread.

UL: (looking at EH's empty plate) Do you want another pepper or something?

EH: No, what kind of meat did you make?

UL: Uhhh, you said you couldn't eat anymore meat.

EH: You didn't make any meat?

UL: No.

EH: Could you do a steak for me quick?

Ho Hum...

Ramadan in this town sucks. Ramadan in my house is nice, but draining since I feel this bizarre obligation to cook too much for iftar. I have thought about going to a nearby town to catch some lessons or taraweh every so often, but would want DH to come with me. I have talked to DH about it, he is too busy with his work and his health isn't good... He doesn't worry about it.

I have started to come to the conclusion that DH's problems are verging on a disability. No, really. I don't know when it happened, but his ability to work or help around the house is going down. More and more I have to do the things for his job with him. More and more he is behind on the paperwork because he is tired. How do you balance your responsibilities in a situation like this? He is the man of the house, and Alhamdulilah he has a job and masha'Allah he is still able to work. But, I know that more and more things are swinging towards me doing everything... But doing everything his way is sometimes a big strain... I mean, if it's my responsibility now just let me get it done my way. Sheesh. But, I think many marriages are this way in truth. DH will tell you that if you are helping someone then just shut it and try to do what they want, that way you are really helping them. I guess this is a good point, but hard to put into practice. Especially because I am a fly by the seat of your pants artsy type and DH is a triple backup for safety engineer type.

*BIG SIGH*

In other news... Fasting for me just commenced today (when it really started Sat here). The baby was having a big nurseathon going for the past few days, but with some serious fluid intake and hilba (fenugreek) the milk supply seems to have caught up, masha'Allah. Sooo, I am fasting today. I will fast every other day, insha'Allah. I think the cumulative effect is what has caused me problems while nursing and fasting in the past... That and my bad habit of not drinking enough water. We will see. I wouldn't be so gung ho about it if I hadn't missed almost every Ramadan since I got married due to pregnancy/nursing. I have some serious making up to do already, better to cut it down if I can, insha'Allah. I think I will be like a sister I knew while teaching after I am done having kids. She just fasted two days every week to make up for all the fasting she had missed. She never bothered to really figure out exact numbers, she was just shooting to do as much as she could. I like the idea.

So, for other nursing moms out there... If you are fasting, please do your best to drink as much as you normally would during the entire day in the evenings. I have been drinking from a nalgene bottle so I can watch myself and know I am drinking enough. Sadly, I am finding myself in the bathroom more than usual, which must mean that I am normally nowhere near drinking enough. As for the food part... No worries for nursing mom's there because you have to be seriously malnourished before it affects your milk. Check out The Imam's Daughter on my sidebar for more info about fasting and pregnancy/nursing.

Ramadan Craft

So here is the post I have been promising about my Ramadan project!!! Insha'ALlah there is still time to do one for your house if you like it.

Felt Ramadan surprise calendar


To get started you will need:

1 yard of 54 inch wide felt. 2 36 inch long 3/4 inch dowels. 8 pieces of 9"x12" felt. Number and letter stencils. Paint and brush for stencils. Glue gun (or good fabric glue). Wooden decorations for the end of the dowels. Whatever other little things you want to decorate the finished product with.

It is helpful to have a rotary cutter and guide... But of course scissors will work too. And you can buy numbers and letters in felt... But I am too cheap to do that!LOL

First:

You cut the 9x12 pieces into four 4 1/2x6 pieces for the pockets.

Second:

Square up your main piece of felt, making it about 34 inches wide. You will clip off the excess at the bottom later. Then, fold over the top and create a pocket for the dowel (an inch will do. Just glue it on the edge.

Third:

Stencil on your lettering across the top.

Fourth:

Lay out your pockets in rows of five alternating colors as you go. It is helpful to use a yardstick or some straight edge to keep you in line as you glue.

Fifth:

Once you have all those pesky pockets glued stencil on all your numbers.

Sixth:

Now you need to trim off the bottom leaving enough room for the lower dowel pocket. Make that pocket the same way you did the one on the top. Then, put the dowels through and glue on whatever you choose for the ends on the top and bottom dowels. Now they are snug in place.

Finally, add your decorations where you think they are needed and place a string on the top dowel to hang it. Then the fun part... Fill it with a little treat for every day of Ramadan! I will be wrapping mine since the pockets are open, but you could just glue a little velcro to the pocket if it suits you better:)

Happy Crafting!!! Insha'Allah someone will find this useful. If you make one of these or a date chain just send me a photo and I will post it, insha'Allah.

Tagged by romerican

This is a tag I was actually thinking I might start, but Romerican beat me to it!!! It's a good one too! What's in your purse?

My answer... Not much, but I have a diaper bag too, so ha ha. Here is what was in my purse when I got tagged: My phone, wallet and keys (pretty standard). The wallet itself is a cavern of receipts, insurance cards for all six family members, my IDs, cards for the four different accounts we have (which have the account written on the back since otherwise they all look the same), my zoo passes, Sam's card, and if I am lucky some cash. It has no family photos I am noticing... Since the kids are always with me I guess it never occurred to me to carry photos. You want to know what my kids look like? Here, that one climbing on the display over there.LOL

The other stuff... A book on Waldorf education by Rudolf Steiner. My digital camera (which was not in the picture since I took the picture with it). Originals of the keys for some of our cars since I need to make extra copies (we make tons of copies since we both have a tendency to loose keys). Layla's bracelets that she insists on wearing but takes off after a couple of minutes in the car. A netflix movie for the kids (Duma to be exact). And that's it.

I guess I don't look like a very useful mom type since I have no Kleenex or lip balm... Medications... But all of that is in the diaper bag. Now if you wanted to read a LONG post I could tell you what's in the diaper bag!LOL

I tag... Surviving, Honorary Arab, and Umm Ibrahim (if you dare!!!).

Check it out!

Arab American inspired shirts... Too cool. My fav? Well, it's between
"Yallah, Bye" and "peace/salam"... And when the kid's sizes come DD definatly gets Egyptian princess!!!LOL Of course I still heart my "Make Chai Not War" from Hijabman.

Just so sad...

Steve Irwin died while diving in the Great Barrier Reef with sting rays. It is strange how people are reacting... As if they knew him. I heard some college students talking about it at the grocery store, they weren't cracking jokes or anything, they were sad... I really respected that guy. He was an amazing personality. I watched The Crocodile Hunter with the kids all the time. At least he died doing what he loved.

It's that time of year....

Ramadan is coming. I have a new calendar project in the works, but here are the things I did last year.

Ramadan Surprise Calendar

Ramadan Date Chain

And check out this little article on why you should plan for Ramadan.

And I wonder...

There are so many unknowns in this life. Predicting, planning it seems like an impossible job.

Walking into my children's new school on Monday I felt so many things... I remembered my first days as a teacher 9 years ago. I remembered the buzz I got working at an Islamic school with the future Muslims of the world. It felt great to lead them into the room where we held the jummah. It felt to pull on little hijabs and straighten little lines of children. I felt as if I was bringing something to the ummah. I also felt every day I was learning more about the deen.

Now, I can honestly say that I haven't been to a halaqa or lecture since my middle son was a year old... That's four years now. This is NOTHING like what I planned. I am feeling further and further from the community and further and further away from the possibility that my situation will change. It's depressing.

I think so many things that re happening to us have to do with lowered iman. My DH and I both were in a better state of iman when we married. I remember him teaching me things, taking time to correct my recitations of the few surahs I know. I had dreams of really increasing my knowledge with his help. Then all of the learning stopped.

For at least 6 years now I have been feeling like he isn't lifting us... I am dragging him. And I am not that person. I know it's no excuse but I'm a convert, I need help myself. Help that I hoped I would get by marrying a born Muslim who spoke Arabic. I hate to just spew... But this is getting harder and harder. Even just talking about it I am ready to cry because I am afraid there is no blessing on our life. Is that crazy?

I know there are all sorts of dreams and ideas you have when you first get married, and that these are often lost. But this dream of an Islamic household is one that I refuse to let go of. I am tired, I am lost, I am not even certain (considering how our lives have turned out) if there is any good in this marriage at all. Right now what I see is that neither of us are the Muslims we were when we married. Maybe we are just a bad combination. Maybe it's not us but the longer we stay here with no community the more it will became a trail.

Even as I am writing this I feel like I could just dissolve at any moment. He keeps telling me I am going to push him to do something "crazy" that will effect our lives forever. You know what, I think we have to do something crazy to pull ourselves out of this. Enough entrepreneurial BS. Lets pack the bags and move to someplace where we can have a life.

Do you believe in signs?

You know the part in Signs where the main character turns to his brother and says there are two types of people, the ones who believe in coincidence and the ones who believe in signs? Well, I believe in signs. Allah (SWT) isn't just going to come to you as a booming voice; you are going to have to watch for his message... And I think I am supposed to be on the receiving end of one now if I can just put the pieces together.

Let me start with the beginning... On Thursday I had one of those moments of sincere asking, no BEGGING forgiveness from Allah for my transgressions. I felt relief. I felt peace I haven't felt in a long time. Then, Friday morning I saw our cat moving her litter and one, a gray one I have become fond of, was dead. I looked him over, and from what I could tell he had been smothered. It was really sad for my DD who loves animals. We buried it in the yard with her little body shaking from crying. We had a long talk about death being a part of life, the standard stuff. Then on our way to Ft Collins the manager from the trailer park where we have a rental trailer called and told us they are no longer letting people rent the trailers out. Which really screws with our plans because we were going to invest in more trailers as rentals. Then Saturday I got a call from my dad that our cat from when I was in school died. I know I know, dead cats??? Wouldn't Allah's signs be more eloquent? Then Saturday afternoon my DH woke telling me about a dream he had that he was reading a book with fire in it and the fire came out and was burning everything and then he had to read another book that brought water to put it out. Subhan'Allah, I didn't want to confront him about it (and I can't go there because it's his business)... But to me it was just sooooo clear. The first book represented something he has been struggling with and the second the Quran. Then later Saturday, I finally fixed my tape player in the van, and have been listening to lectures I have on CD and tape from various imams. I popped in one that I had forgotten about entirely and it was about surrounding yourself with positive people, and how who you are with all the time will affect your life greatly. Subhan'Allah. I asked for guidance. Subhan'Allah.

For me the death means change. I think this is preparation for a big change coming. I can't say I know what it is, but it is there waiting. And I know I wasn't ready. Now, I am trying to prepare myself... Open to the possibility that I might just be headed for an earthquake in my little world. I have some ideas about what it might be, but nothing can be certain. I just pray I can handle it well.

What goin' on...

Well, after my last dramatic post I thought an update would be fair. Things aren't better, but alhamdulilah I think my outlook is. Thanks for all the support, I really needed to hear from other people to feel like I wasn't marginally insane.

As to the thoughts... Well, I have gone over these things with my DH, and the easy stuff doesn't work for us. He works nights and is a light sleeper, and it is worse when he is tired. But, he refuses to wear earplugs or take sleeping pills. I agree with Amygdala that pills can be a problem for some people anyway, so maybe that's better. I guess it's what some of you said... I have to consider whether or not he is really trying to get his sleep... And the answer is no. I think that is due to a whole mess of factors, the biggest one of which is that he has apnea which he refuses to treat with a bi-pap (and he has been told that sooooo many times and they have him on one every time he is in the hospital). Sleep deprived spouses are no fun. Stressed spouses are no fun, and he is both. We just have to get through this time somehow.

The good thing is that we have been forced to really talk expectations, which I think is healthy. I know that I am the one bending the most, and he knows it too... So I feel better that at least he sees some of the things I have been dealing with, alhamdulilah. We are going forward with the project of a business we have been talking about for a long time now, and I hope it will free him to quit this job... The more we talk the more I see he hates his job as much as I do, but he is scared of change and the possibility of losing any income. Well, there is more to life than money brother. And I know he thinks I am just talking when I say that, but I really think that.

Anywhoo, thanks fellow bloggers for your input. Insha'Allah these things will be behind me soon. And I really believe I am feeling the Dua love, things have been much calmer around here. I was out of the house at 9:30 today, and I didn't even feel the need to start cursing!LOL;) Not perfect, but better, alhamdulilah.

Home not so sweet home

My right to be in my home seems to be under attack.

I know this sounds crazy, and I don’t think there is even a solution outside of separate houses (which incidentally has been proposed). But I need to talk about this… Because talking feels more productive than crying, and I want to say it to someone before the separate houses thing actually happens without any feedback as to whether or not I have sealed my fate by doing it.

I hate to talk about personal things (like I said I have promised not to gab about my marriage), but I feel that the need for a sounding board about this outweighs that right now. That said, here goes.

DH told me today, in no uncertain terms that I can’t be in the house after 10am anymore because he has to sleep. Which simply means that I must be in the store after 10am every day with the kids. This sucks on so many levels.

1. My house is a mess (because I am never there) and if I am never there I can never clean it. Also, if I do ever clean it I will never be there to enjoy it. Hmph.

2. I have to try to get meals ready to accommodate the “eat as soon as we get home” style we are living with, which limits me severely.

3. I like being home, especially on weekends. And I am bitter that he gets to sit there and relax alone, which I never do.

4. I just trained someone for the store so I can be home.

5. I have to try to bring things to the store to feed the kids in the absence of a kitchen. And being without a kitchen all day with five of us sucks.

6. Dividing time between the house and the store means dragging things back and forth between the two places all the time and losing stuff in the process.

7. I have the bad feeling that his wanting everyone out of the house is the major motivation for him to send the kids to school this year.

8. I feel putting his sleep before 5 other people’s desire to be at home is flat out selfish. Of course he will say I am selfish for wanting to be at home when clearly he needs to sleep so he can work.

I don’t know whether to cry or start looking for an apartment for him or what. I would move, but I feel the larger place should be for the kids and me. If his sleep has to be separate I want him to be the one to move to a studio or something to sleep and work.

I guess I would say just go do it, but I am afraid it will lead to us separating (which is not what I want). Of course the tension is so high surrounding this subject that we may just end up divorcing if it continues… I know from talking to him that he doesn’t understand, and he will never see that his job disrupts our family. He told me the other day that it could be worse because his job could involve traveling and I told him seeing him only on weekends would be easier… Which went over like a lead brick. He is still mad about it. And I stand firm that trying to live life around his sleeping all day is not working. We are at an impasse. I will never be able to keep the kids quiet enough or meet all the demands he makes while trying to sleep; it just makes me bitter and mad… No matter how hard I try to overlook it. Ya Allah. I even found myself having to go sit in the visitors lounge with the kids and an hours old baby when he can to visit me in the hospital so he could sleep in the bed in the room. I felt soooo taken advantage of. Basically, I was mad that he came at all if he was just going to sleep. And every day at home is the same. I am on edge because I know the kids will wake him or he is expecting me to leave or he is sitting in bed asking for things so he doesn’t have to get up… I am not a good wife like this. I am not a good mother like this.

So, what is the end of all this? Can I ask him to get a place where he can sleep and work undisturbed without causing a huge uproar? He himself has suggested it… But I am afraid to demand it. On another level, I have days where I am ready to get divorced just to have my own space… And shaiton is there, “What are you getting from this relationship? When has he ever helped you with anything? When has he ever gotten you a drink while you were in bed? You have the right to relax in your own house too!”

You know those moments in your life where you can just physically feel shaiton’s presence? I am having more and more of those every day. It is getting harder and harder to be rational. And I KNOW my DH feels that I am the abusive irrational one in this situation. I need respite. I need to take a sabbatical from this relationship. But I am afraid that would seal my fate. I have to make things work and I am just grasping at straws for a way to do that. I can’t be a tolerant peaceful wife with these things hanging over my head. And I can’t be out of the house with the kids all the time like that. HELP!!! Maybe this marriage is over and I just don’t see it.

They're back!

While DH was in the hospital, I had a raging case of thrush., Which, as everyone who has ever had it know, is a nursing mother's nightmare. After a week of nystatin the yeast was going nowhere. I was cracked, sore and even had some infection... It was miserable, I did three days of gentian violet and took some diflucan. Things started to heal, and once the thrush went away entirely the infection subsided.

Now, I am seeing some yeast on the baby's mouth... And last night I started to feel the burn. Yikes! I guess I better lay off the sugar! Hello purple boo-boos. Hello purple baby. This sucks.

From here on in I shoot w/o a script...

DH had his usual August freak out about hsing... And since DD is obsessing about going to school we decided to enroll them this year. I hate it, but they have two parents and DH thinks they "need the experience of school and nothing bad happens in 1st grade or kindergarten, so now is the time". I have another thought... And that is that they are at an impressionable age and I want to spare them the knowledge that people in this town hate us just because we are Muslim.

Which is another topic entirely, DH blames my hijab for people even knowing we are Muslim... I blame him for insisting on staying here, we go nowhere fast when we get into that conversation. I refuse to be in a place where I have to compromise my practice of the deem to fit in, and I refuse to "blend" anymore than I already do. And I refuse for my kids to blend in certain ways, which wouldn't be an issue in bigger cites where schools are faced to confront the diversity of the student population and take certain celebrations to a more global place... What I mean is if I weren't in hicksville there would be no "hat's off to Christmas" in the curriculum because the district wouldn't allow it.

Anywhooo, you see where all this is going. We are at odds about things with the kids, and I have always promised myself that I would not exclude him in the decisions about these things... So they are going to school this year and I am doing The Well Trained Mind as an afterschool thing. Actually, I find them hard to work with in the afternoon (and I think that will only get worse after they go to school because they will be tired) so I will probably get them up very early and do an hour or two with them then.

The truth is that I would love to sit here and tell all about the problems we are having... Because it goes deeper than the kids school, I guess I just feel all bottled up about it. But I promised myself when I got married that I wouldn't talk about our private life, so I am keeping it to myself in real life an this blog. Insha'Allah this is the right thing to do... But please keep me in your dua.

I wonder these days if Arab men and American women aren't a good match. They seem to think we are superwomen, we seem to think they should do things that they never will culturally. Honorary Arab (she's on my sidebar) just did a post about it, so go read her post... I'll save you rehashing the same thoughts.

I pray for peace in my life, I pray for patience, I pray for wisdom and strength. I pray I stay married another day.

Oh, and whoever knows where the title for this post came from gets bonus points;)

LOL;)

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Send some love this way...

Send some duas this way... DH is in the hospital again with the infamous undiagnosable respiratory illness. The new twist is that this time is he went in before pneumonia set in which is giving them a chance to see that yes, this is happening in the absence of infection. Apparently the infection sets in later because the lungs aren't functioning well and the fluid accumulates. So, we are looking at autoimmune disease... But which autoimmune disease is still a mystery.

Admitting the obvious…

Have you ever heard the joke about the guy trapped on his roof during a flood asking God for help? If you haven’t, here it is…

There is a man, a good believer, trapped on his roof during a flood. A man on a boat rows by and say’s, “Get in, the water is rising and you will drown up on that roof.” To which the man replies, “No thanks, I am a good believer, and I know God will save me.”

The waters kept rising, and a larger boat of national guardsmen reaches the man. “Sir, the water is rising. You need to come with us sir!” To which the man replies, “No thanks, I am a good believer, and I know God will save me.”

Finally, the man’s house is overcome by the flood and as he is being swept away by the rushing waters a helicopter drops a line with a rescue man reaching for him. He waves the man away thinking, “No thanks, I am a good believer, and I know God will save me.”

Finally the man drowns. All he can think of is why God refused to save such a strong believer. So when he meets God the first thing he asks is, “I lived to worship you. I am a good believer, why didn’t you save me!” To which God replies, “I tried! I sent you two boats and a helicopter!”

Why am I telling you this?

Because after thinking that I may have celiacs for some time I am getting more and more indications that I should stop wondering and admit it. First, my brother’s diagnosis. Then, I read an article about thyroid and autoimmune causes of hypothyroidism. It sounded like me. Then my mom’s hairdresser found that celiacs was the cause of her up and down thyroid levels (which are remarkably similar to mine). Then my son’s diagnosis. Now, I have a rash that has all the characteristics of a rash caused by gluten intolerance (everyone who has it has celiacs, but not everyone who has celiacs gets it). I told myself the first time I saw it that it was because I was pregnant. But now I am not pregnant and the rash is raging on my elbows and knees.

Now, comes the question, “do I need more proof?” Well, I guess so because I just asked the Dr to order a celaics panel for me ASAP.

Yeah, I know He tried.

Up early... For a change!

I am a chronic over-sleeper... I want to get up at 8, I get up at 9. But today, masha'Allah, I am up early, and am ready to go with gluten free muffins in the oven to feed the kiddos already. Yeah! Maybe I will actually make it to garage sales before everything is gone;)

You know your husband is Egyptian when...

Someone found me with that search, I just had to make a post of it!

You know your husband is Egyptian when...

he insists that if you don't wear slippers in the house you will catch cold.

you find yourself cooking fatah and stuffed grape leaves when you are happy with him.

you can't tell if he's yelling because he's mad or just yelling when he's talking to his family on the phone.

you think "insha'Allah" means "if I can."

the biggest threat he makes to the kids is "the slipper".

he has stories of his own parents and "the slipper".

every story from his youth involves someone named Mohammad.

he never eats fish when he has a cold.

he drinks tea upon waking, when getting ready, when working... Well, he just drinks lots of tea.

your closet contains a box of things from Egypt to use when you need a last minute gift for someone.

you have at least one cartouche in your jewelry collection.

he has a great sense of humor.

everyone says "I have always wanted to go there!" when you tell them where he is from.

he gets steamed up when all the American depictions of Egypt are the guys in Giza or upper Egypt wearing jilbab.

he never says Alexandria, always Alex.

you wear hegab in the masgid... not hijab in the masjid.

it isn't a meal if you don't offer your guest as much food and variety as the average American gets in a week.

almost everything you cook has cumin, coriander, onions, garlic, and bell pepper.

you have mastered the art of filo dough.

not only do you buy eggplant, you make more than one dish with it.

you know who Amr Diab is, and you actually have at least one CD.

you are truly loved by a man with a heart as big as the ocean;)

Wisdom from Dr. Seuss

Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because sometimes you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasent bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumpling yourself
is not easily done.

From: The Places You'll Go
Dr. Seuss

I know I've come a long way...

"Verily, after hardship, there is ease" Quran

OK, so when exactly is my ease coming? Lately, well for the last 5 years of my marriage anyway, I feel like a single mom. I have my days when I seriously consider divorcing because I'm not sure much about my situation would change if I did. Of course I would have to get a regular job... But I also wouldn't have to live wondering what the next thing I will do to set DH off will be.

I guess I just feel like the only thing I am gaining sometimes is financial support, and I want more than a banking arrangement. I am just dragging lately... And it shows in my house, my mothering, my life. I have tried to talk to DH about it only to have him tell me I have nothing to be upset about. I can afford to go and do whatever will make me happy he says but then I have to come back and work on one of his projects, like the daycare he wants to open.

I never thought I was marrying a man who expected so much. And truthfully, I guess I am afraid that if I can support me and the kids (which is what he wants so he can go look for another job) I won't have any reason to stay married. I love my DH, but I am not this person... I want to enjoy my life and my children, I'm not lazy or deluded... Money just doesn't rank that high in my life.

Save now so we don't have to work when we are older? Great, but what if I waste the now and I still have to work when I am older? I don't think I can take that.

Meme! from Amygdala

I am... a Muslim, a mother a wife, a creative but disorganized person.
I want... the world to be a safer place for my children, for my children to feel equally American and Egyptian but totally Muslim, and to have the gift of enduring iman.
I wish... I was a better housekeeper and a more organized person.
I hate... fighting with my DH.
I miss... being able to read a book in peace, and living close to friends.
I fear... never fulfilling my "purpose".
I hear... my children all around me.
I wonder... what my life will look like 10 years from now.
I regret... nothing.
I dance... to all the things I listened to in school, Depeche Mode, The Cure, The Violent Femmes, NIN...
I sing... all the musicals I was ever in or wanted to be in, because that used to be my big thing.
I cry... more than I would like to about tired subjects.
I am not always... as spacey as DH thinks I am.
I make with my hands... clothes, anything I can knit, food, poetry, and insha'Allah someday I will use them to make birth easier for my sisters.
I write... to have a voice, to be heard.
I confuse... most people.
I need... to be loved and feel secure.
I should... spend more time on things that mean the most to me and less time doing what my DH wants because I am afraid to say no.
I start... too many things to finish.
I finish... things that I am excited about.
I tag... no one;)

Lady Madonna, baby at your breast...

So, I wanted to post something in recognition of whoever managed to get here via a google search for breastfeeding Muslim wife. Now, I can only hope that said person as a good brother looking for info on supporting his wife during their child’s early years… Not some weirdo.

It is actually so odd that I have never posted anything about bfing considering how important advocacy is to me. So, I’d like to take the time to address the most common reasons Muslim women have given me for not bfing.

I Can’t BF When I’m Out
Many Muslim women seem to be under impression that wearing hijab means they can’t nurse in public (NIP). This is just wrong. It is based on the assumption that there is no way to maintain modesty while NIP. You can nurse a baby without exposing yourself. There is no reason that you have to stick it out (as dh would say) to nurse.

The awkward moment in the whole thing is getting the baby latched on. This can be accomplished in two ways, cover or turn so no one can see you. There are some really cool shawls that work well for covering and letting you peek in on baby. Or, a simple blanket will do… I use the end of the sling personally. And the other option, well I think you can figure that one out!LOL

The other factor in easy NIP is clothing. You will want to choose something that will allow access without leaving any other body parts exposed. That means a button down top, a loose jumper with side access, you get the picture! The last thing you want is to have a crying baby in your arms and realize the only way to nurse is to basically undress.

Which leads me to the next thing. Get the little one nursing before he starts wailing. A crying baby will draw attention and make it harder to get him nursing discreetly. Learn the early cues for hunger: Smacking or licking lips, opening and closing mouth, sucking on lips, or any other thing that makes it to his mouth. And then later, rooting around, trying to position himself to nurse, tugging at clothing. The very last one being crying.

I Want My Mother/Husband/Whoever To Be Able To Help Me
This is the worst one in my mind… Why does help always involve feeding? I know it’s not as fun, but cleaning, laundry, cooking and other things are just as helpful to a new mom. Enough said.

I Don’t Make Enough Milk
In rare cases this is true.

But, in other cases this is due to misunderstanding or poor management of bfing. Before you jump to that conclusion look at the whole picture of your bfing relationship. Sometimes women mistake increased nursing when a child is going through a growth spurt to mean they don’t have enough milk. Actually, more frequent nursing is the way a baby sends the signal to your body to make more milk! Another common one is as supply and demand get into sync the breast may seem less full. This softening is a normal change, and the leaking experienced in early bfing may subside as well.

There are 1000 reasons women might think they have low milk supply. And there are a few practices that tend to lead to diminished supply. The first one is supplementing. Remember the supply and demand thing? Well, the more you supplement the less milk your body thinks it needs to make. So, supplementing is a catch 22. The other reason may be not nursing the often enough This can happen because of pacifiers introduced too early, supplementing, sleepy baby, scheduling feedings… Whatever the reasons we go back to messing up the supply and demand system. Baby not being latched on well can cause problems too.

So, before you pronounce yourself incapable of producing an adequate amount of milk, enlist the help of a bfing counselor of some sort. But, beware of bad advice. Talk to other bfing moms and get a feel for what they think of her. And remember that as long as your baby is filling an adequate number of diapers and gaining weight you are fine.


So I’ll step down off my soapbox now. But let me leave you with this thought: I know your husband likes them, but there is another dare I say nobler reason Allah gave you those things. And subhan’Allah, it is an amazing system really. There couldn’t be a better way to feed your baby.

Nothing natural?????

So, as one astute reader noted... The long break is due to the fact that the new addition has arrived. A girl, Salmeh, born on Sunday the 4th, one day before her due date. Alhamdulilah.

Sleepy, yet supportive and wonderful DH was there the entire time... And I was attended by a rockin midwife who just got hospital privileges in December. As anyone who has read previous entry's about my plans knows... I have agonized over this birth and where and how it would take place. As much as I wanted to be at home, and even go unassisted... In the end I decided I was risking my marriage if I left DH out of the decision, and it was is baby too. So, I gave birth in a hospital... And I did have to hear about 1000 times how "risky" what I was doing was. I even had the doc on call give me a little lecture about how there was "nothing natural about a birth after two c-sections." But, when I got the phone call on Monday urdging me to schedule a c-section I was able to do my best Mandar(Dexter's Lab) Ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha!

The funny thing was that the nurses must have thought women in active labor lose their sense of hearing because I heard them at the nurses station every time they left my room after checking on me. "She says she doesn't want the monitor to be left on!" "She says she wants to walk around!" "She says she only wants a hep lock in case of emergency, not a regular IV!" "She's drinking!" Finally when the whole crew attending came in at once I said, "Look, you can think of me as your difficult patient for the day... But what I am doing is not crazy, and I wouldn't do anything that I thought would risk the health of my baby. If we get to a point where something is going wrong and I need all this, I will let you know. Until then, leave me alone." Or something close to that... I was in labor you know;)

But, in the time that it took the doctor to call the anesthesiologist (they wanted to have me set an epidural in place even if I got nothing through it) I went from a five to a nine, and the anesthesiologist refused to place anything. The progress was courtesy of me doing some serious labor dancing and squatting (at least I think). The hardest part of the whole labor came after my water was broken and they put in an internal monitor (one of those vile little things they put on the baby's scalp) and I was stuck in the bed. Now to be honest, even if I had the will to walk at that point I might not have been able to. It was all I could do to get to squatting position in the bed with the help of DH and the midwife.

I had the traditional I can't do this I want to go home moments during transition. I don't remember this much pain during transition with Layla. But, I think it just lasted longer this time. Finally, the midwife pushed the last bit of cervix out of the way and after a couple of contractions I got to experience the whole physiological pushing thing. It was amazing really. I felt my entire belly tightening up and since I was in a semi-squatting position I just felt this downward force... It was nothing like the coached pushing I did with Layla. If I can give a graphic comparison, it is like a normal bowel movement vs constipation. I don't know where the whole coaching the laboring woman to push thing started... But I will never do it again. I came out of the delivery with an intact pernium, masha'Allah and feeling great. I was able to spend an hour with the baby before they bugged me with the weighing and all that, which was great. I even felt well enough to go to the nursery with her while they cleaned her up and did all the newborn checks.

Natural childbirth rocks. It is worth the fight every time. Even DH who was skeptical about the whole thing (he tends to believe the OBs) has been converted. He just feels that the will to do it overcomes any obstacles along the way. Truly, I can't say I even believe that there is a big difference between women with c-sections and women without. As long as the scar is a bikini line cut, I see no reason that a vbac shouldn't be the default. And screw it is the doctors want to convince you otherwise. Read up and convince yourself. Even their own consent forms state the risk of uterine rupture at less than 1%, and all the bad things they talk about only happen if the uterus ruptures. Remind them of that if you have to.

I can't I can't I can't stand losing

So, in the middle of the changes that are going on in our life... It looks like DH might lose the contract that makes his business possible. Meaning the paper that controls everything is threatening to pull his distributorship. UGH. Not good timing.
Please keep him in your dua. He is now faced with considering all the other jobs that we have been talking about (his degrees are in EE) and leaning towards something in the oil industry. Insha'Allah that will be the direction he heads in. I would love to see him doing something he could feel great about, and the oil industry is that for him. If he gets a job like that it will truly be a blessing that he lost the distributorship.

The flip side is a man who is on the verge of losing his job is not in the mood to deal with other complications in life... And we are heading towards a time full of them with this new house and what we are planning for it. Allah give us patience.

Now in the immediate future... DH has invited my SIL for the weekend. Now, I try to refrain from just complaining about my somewhat crazy SIL... But why did he invite her when I am so close to having the baby? Sheesh. And you can guess from all I just said that I am in no position to tell him no or call the thought of having someone there 24 hours a day when I could go into labor at any time crazy. But seriously... I am a little upset about it. OHHHHHHHHH, can't I just say NO? Can't DH ask first?

Any day now....

So I have headed into that time where I start to wish I never told anyone my due date... I am ready to have this baby, and I am finding it harder to wait. And, everyone is calling me asking if I had the baby yet. No, still waiting.

I did go over with DS #1... So I have tried to prepare myself for the possibility... But I am getting antsy. I was just saying to DH last night that I have the feeling this baby is going to hang out a little longer. I guess only time will tell. The thing that is bugging me the most... The feeling like every time I leave the store I have to be ready for the possibility that I might not be back for a week or two. And I have the same feeling about the house. If I knew when it would happen I could get things ready and in order for that date; but right now I just try to keep things in order and keep the laundry done and DH's work clothes ready so I am ready if it happens tonight. It's a little overwhelming. And I prepare big batches of food only for DH to eat them and then I feel I have to fill the fridge again "just in case".

In some strange way I feel like since I am getting worn down and tired I will be less ready than I would be if I had the baby now. Every day I look at the things I have to do and I just can't drag myself to do them. I am more tired and less able to keep up every day it seems. Well, alhamdulilah, maybe the waiting will give me a chance to get over this chest cold I have.

Amityville?

Soooo, I was fine with the concept that we were buying an old building with 100's of unknowns... And for reasons kinda personal this was a unique opportunity to invest at a level we normally wouldn't invest at. But I expected to find out things like the wiring was old and not up to code... What I found out is slightly more disturbing.

The place was a mortuary before it was a church. Yikes. I am trying to be level headed about this... But I am getting more and more distressed about it. I am afraid that by the time we move I will be downright freaked out. Is that crazy? I am a grown adult, and I don't even believe in ghosts (as in disembodied human spirits) but I do believe quite strongly in menacing jinn. And doesn't a mortuary seem like a perfect place for bad jinn to hang? Now DH insists that the buildings years as a church must negate all that... But I don't know.

And in the realm of the known... I just called for the utility history from last year and the gas bill for the church and the house in the back combined was $750 on the colder months. Now keeping in mind that the church was empty at the time, that's a huge bill. Does home-ownership get easier?

Well, I'm going to try to research the history of the property a little more with public records here in town... Am I being obsessive about this? Should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

Madesh Habibi

Every time I tell my DH I can't sleep or complain of some other pregnancy related thing he tells me, "Madesh habibi, a few more days." Don't say that honey! I feel like a mad woman running around freaking out about things that need to be done before the baby comes. Yah Allah I need a normal delivery this time. I can't be down for the 1-2 weeks with a c-section. There is just too much going on with us, and DH is never home with his second job (did I mention DH took a second job?).

I am trying to catch up on things I have been putting off, but I am tired and have to take frequent breaks... I finally took the clothes I never wear and donated them, then stored things I won't wear while BFing. And all the baby stuff is in order aside from a shipment of diapers that should be here any day, insha'Allah. The real problem is with 5 people in the house you are never "finished". I can never stand in my living room and say, alhamdulilah, then sit back and enjoy a clean house for a few days.

We are moving, insha'Allah, in August or so depending on some work we are having done to our new place... And I am making one entire room a family closet. Insha'Allah this will help me because no more lugging laundry to rooms, no more putting off folding and hanging because someone is asleep, and now I can get dressed even if DH is asleep in our room, yeah! Now dedicating an entire room as a closet may seem extreme... But keep in mind that there will be 6 of us, insha'Allah. That's a lot of clothes. And everyone has a dresser, so that's eating lots of space from the bedrooms. Not to mention DH's dresser in the living room since he needs to get his clothes at hours when the rest of us are asleep. As much as I hate moving, I am looking forward to the things we are doing in the new place. I can't wait to have two kids rooms and an office for DH... And the closet thing... That is assuming all those things actually work out like I planned!LOL I just hope that once we move I can get things in order and finally convince DH to go though his papers... It should've been done years ago!LOL

Another vaccine???

Cervical Cancer Vaccine Article

Now to be fair, I am a little weary of vaccines in general. And I am no virologist. But, read a book or two on the subject and I'm sure you will be leery too. Not to say that I don't vaccinate my children at all... I have chosen to do so with certain restrictions and some of my own input into the age at which they receive them etc.

Anyway, this whole cervical cancer vaccine as me a little worried. Why are we vaccinating against something tat the immune system fights off an estimated 90% of the time? And, if you are adding the numbers... It only fights 4 of the almost 80 known strains of HPV. And two of those don't cause cancer, they cause genital warts (the ones that don't cause visible damage are the bad boys). So, of the 3-4 thousand women in the US who get cervical cancer each year about 70% of them have one of the two strains in the vaccine. And the vaccine is about 97% effective... So, not some statistics person may be able to correct me here... But doesn't that mean we want to vaccinate all young women (they are shooting to do ages 12-14) to prevent about 2,037-2,716 cases per year assuming the vaccine is really that effective in reality? Sorry kids... I am not buying it. Also, what if women just assume that since they are vaccinated they can forget about pap smears? Not to mention the whole tone of "Well we all know you can't trust young girls so let's vaccinate them all."

Why are we so flippant about what we are injecting into our bodies? What about building a healthy immune system? What about the side effects of vaccines? When are the pharmaceutical companies in this country going to stop convincing us we nee to fill ourselves with their chemicals? Take a look at all the things we "need" now. How many times have you seen a commercial for some medication to treat something which used to be considered something you just dealt with as you aged of encountered it in your life for whatever reason?

I just cringe every time I pick up a parenting magazine with an ad for these new super combined vaccines (they have been indicated in many vaccine reactions). Yes, shoot your poor little infant's developing immune system with the maximum number of viruses and chemicals all at the same time! Great idea! Humph.

I'm not saying vaccines have no place or use in our lives. I think some of them are worth the risk... But I wish the government would just step off already. If you can convince parents of the necessity and the safety and they comply, great. But making chicken pox mandatory... Please. It seems like now that we are targeting just any illness we can... And I wonder what kind of things we are unleashing from Pandora's box by doing that.

Family Fridays

We have instituted a new practice in our house... Fun Fridays. Every Friday we go out somewhere or do something fun as a family. Now the one thing that I was noticing today is that it is hard to find things to do here in Laramie. DH is working today, so we have to do something without him... Which basically cuts out anything in FT Collins. Now I am thinking where will I go just me and the kids tonight? The movies. Or, the movies.

The thing is none of the pizza places have games here (and why go then when DS can't eat the pizza in the first place?)... The bowling alley has too much drinking for me to want to be the only woman in hijab on a Fri night... The skating rink is a little too disco at that time... And there simply are no other options here in town. So, do I just go to the movies cough up my $22 and forget it???

Insha'Allah, next week we will have a little theme party at our house. We could rent a movie and try to do dinner and some games with the same theme... Of course I would like to say I will save $ by doing this, but I always go overboard with these things and end up spending just as much at the dollar store for decorations and stuff as I would for the movie!LOL

OK, now that I am done complaining about Laramie... Let me say what I wanted to say in the first place!LOL I think this family night is a great idea. I wanted to do it for so long, and was finally encouraged when DH suggested that we should try to make Fridays special so the kids would grow up with a good feeling about Fridays and associate it with family time and enjoyment. I think it is well worth it! The only change I would make is if we lived in a larger Muslim community I would like to include other Muslim families in our plans. I think that would make it more fun for everyone involved.

Girls and Modesty

Teaching DD modesty is important to me. I don't think you can just spring it on them when they are 12yo and expect them to understand. My goal is to slowly keep building the idea and the habits of dress so that once she is old enough to wear hijab all she will have to add is the scarf. Sooooo, here we are again this year with shorts being on the forefront of every clothing conversation we have... And to add to the trouble you can't just go shopping and let her choose things from the racks because 99.9% is not appropriate! It's like taking gluten free DS to a bakery... I just try to avoid it.

The funny thing is boys have more options in the modest dress arena than girls!
I can find things for the boys no trouble. Heck, if I wanted them to follow the no legs and no tight things guidelines that I have Layla following I would have no problem at all. I get all the bermudas and loose cotton button down shirts I need, usually on sale!LOL

When did this hoochie mama thing reach clear down into the smaller sizes? And when did it become so pervasive? I ask it this year, and I am sure again next year too. Looks like I will be trekking to the Hanna Anderson outlet and also making some things for her again this year. Alhamdulilah I have some great sewing stuff!

Must get ready....

Must get ready for new baby. Must get house in order. Must get baby stuff cleaned. Must make sure I have any newborn stuff left at all. UGH!!!!!!!!!

OK, all I really need is the sling and the Moses basket along with the new diapers and covers... Plus a few sack gowns... But I just don't feel ready. Last night I had a dream that my labor stalled because I kept thinking off all the things I needed to do before I gave birth. Crazy? No way. I think mental readiness plays a big part in birth.

So, I will be breaking into the storage locker this afternoon (they accidentally put an extra lock on it and want me to go get the key from them to get it off, but I will probably just cut it) and retrieving the Moses basket and any and all boxes that say newborn. But, like I say I think I gave it all away or sold it at the store... As Yousuf and Layla grew out of things I just got rid of them... And I gave away all the girl things once I had a boy... Well, what would I want with newborn stuff that had seen three kids and 6 years by now anyway? Not to mention half of it was very very second hand in the first place.

Now the question is do I save stuff for the new baby starting now? What I mean is it worth saving considering that it will be 4-6 years before he/she grows into what the older sibling grew out of? Any experience with this? I save from Aly to Yousuf, but that is only like a year. Hmmmm.

OK, enough boring baby stuff for now. I feel like the countdown has begun though... You know that stage where getting ready for the birth occupies your entire brain? Yeah, I'm there.

One of the things I love about Islam...

I was just thinking today that I never really get time to enjoy prayer... There is frequently something else I am thinking of like what I need to do now, the food I left on the stove, the work I have to do at the store... Not to mention three kids climbing on me all the time. Getting out the prayer rug is like a call to them from wherever they are to stop what they are doing and run to me.

But, since my DH started working a second job I have rediscovered the peace of salat. After the kids are in bed, while DH is still at work, I have a peaceful prayer time to really enjoy. No rush, no other people around... I can just pray. Now fajar is like this for some, but ever since I converted just waking up and making wudu is about it for me... So, to have a peaceful time at the end of the day is a real blessing.

Many people would view Islam's prayers as restrictive, rigid and formalized. I think nothing could be further from the truth. Like children need structure to really bloom I think we need structure in our spiritual lives as well. I'm not waiting for a revival, at the most unexpected moment one of the daily prayers can lead me to a feeling of inner peace and revive my iman. So, I guess I just wanted to share how I feel about salat... How I had forgotten how much I love it.

The terrible very bad horrible no good day

Have you ever noticed how people close to you can really cut you to the quick when they are mad? Yeah. DH laid into me with some nasty comments about my lack of capitalistic drive in regards to the store... And now I put a nice dent in the trunk of the van backing out of a parking space. UGH. He's really going to love to hear about that especially considering the theme of the day is "UmmLayla doesn't appreciate money".

Gluten Free Me

UmmLayla here reporting from my first week of gluten free kitchen duty.

Not as bad as I thought. I got a few books, and I tried to stay focused on things that just are gluten free by default. At least I hope... I mean no one is injecting fruit or meat with modified food starch, right? But I have had a few surprises while reading labels so I will never assume again. Home cooking will be the easy part... And gluten free baking while not perfect (especially the bread) is passable. I have burnt out two mixers finding this out. DH doesn't even know half the time that the cookies and whatnot are gluten free. And the sauces and soups, no one would know on those. I even managed gluten free mac and cheese with chicken nuggets one night. YEAH!

On other fronts I have become obsessed with knitting wool diaper covers for the new baby. The first one I finished I did a double take and checked my gauge like 15 times, then finally checked the finished measurements because it just looked soooo small! But yeah, newborns are small!LOL So I made peace and kept knitting. Now the rest of this won't make sense unless you are a diaper hound like me, but please bear with me. My one frustration is all my prefolds (which is what I use at that age) have gone to the rag pile and I need new ones. I want hemp, but it seems that the only way to use hemp under my wool covers is to pin it. Snappies (which are such a cool thing) don't work on hemp... And I am not investing in diaper covers with velcro again, I have had to buy new ones twice already because the velcro gives out... Besides my heart is set on wool and hemp now!LOL Maybe I'll have to bite the bullet and buy a few bummies whisper wraps or something. Well, I'm sure I'll figure it all out before the baby comes, insha'Allah.

Finally, I am heading into the part of the pregnancy where I want to sleep like 12 hours a night and I only manage maybe three in one continuous stretch. I am normally a very heavy sleeper. A dog once chased our cat into our house and past my bedroom door with my DH in pursuit and I slept through it. But not during the last weeks of a pregnancy, no. Grrr. It goes like this. DH snores, so I go to the couch. Oxygen machine (DH has breathing issues at night) by couch keeps me awake, or I can't stretch out enough to get comfortable. Go to recliner, decide now that I am in the family room I might as well watch TV. Dose for small stretches making Shows seem bizarre and unfollowable, not to mention waking up in front of movies I never intended to watch (yeah, late night cable). Then, DH wakes up for work, I talk with him for about an hour, and when he leaves I go to bed... Now I toss and turn and try to get a position that doesn't get the reflux going until 3-4 am. Then I sleep until the alarm goes at about 6:30. UGH. Now I know why I never feel sleep deprived when a new baby comes. All I have to do is nurse them and doze back off. And anything is better than this!LOL

Not so grand opening:P

Well, the store opened again today to a big snowy messy afternoon that kept most people inside for the day... But Alhamdulilah, I am happy to be up and running again. I feel like this opening the store thing is off my back. Not that we are done with everything, but we are really close and whatever is left is extras.

I actually had time to sit down and read Mothering this afternoon... And it had a great article on the benefits of BFing premature infants. I really liked it, and some of the things were really amazing. Mothers actually regulate the temperature of their infants when they are carrying them skin to skin in kangaroo care (a name developed for the concept of holding premature infants skin to skin between the breasts). So much so that if a mother is carrying two infants the breasts can adjust to two different temperatures. Let me say that again, two different temperatures at the SAME TIME. Subhan'Allah. Yeah, there is a reason I advocate this stuff, because it is AMAZING. Just don't mess with the system He created, listen to it, intervene if it's crying for help... But just do what comes naturally. Wow.

On the gluten free front we are getting into the swing of things... There have been the odd eating Baba's left over tea crackers kinda stuff, but mostly very good. It is a challenge with a kid though. I can't really tell everyone around him not to eat things with gluten so he won't ask for a bite... Well, I could but they wouldn't do it!LOL I just keep praying that this will go smoothly for him and he will start to get used to gluten free as a normal thing. Right now, there is lots of trading one thing for its gluten free version going on... I hope he can move more towards just eating things that are gluten free as we go. And I hope DH can convince himself that DS won't be scarred for life by not eating bread and pastries. Speaking of food, I had better get dinner going... Stuffed bell peppers and tomatoes anyone?

Should've known...

Well, after a bout with some intestinal upset I hauled my middle child off to the doctor to be tested for Celiacs (gluten intolerance) with my DH objecting the whole way. DH's logic is that if you have an illness like this do you want to know? He thinks not. He doesn't want to know his son shouldn't be eating bread and baked goods... He would rather let him live his childhood without having to avoid certain foods.

So, of course DS #1 has Celiacs. Now we have to decide what that means for our family and our eating habits. I would like to eliminate gluten. DH says just let him eat what he wants and when he is old enough let him decide to eliminate it. I guess I will be cringing whenever we eat out hoping that he will choose the chicken breast over mac and cheese... But in the home I will be trying to cook gluten free and hopefully DH will see that DS can eat the things he likes without gluten if we make them at home.

So, on those lines... Any good recipes for gluten free food that a typical kid would like? DS's favs which have gluten normally are mac and cheese, chicken nuggets and cinnamon rolls. Anyone?

It's been too long!

I looked this morning and realised I haven't posted in forever. Well, things have been crazy here to say the least. We have moved the store to a new location and are gearing up to re-open on the 22nd. The old landlord from the previous storefront is being a pain in the neck and wants me to pay for the entire month of April even though I was out on the 5th. Oh yeah, and I actually have to tackle my forgotten house (which is in shambles) today so when the window installers come to finally fix our dining room window I don't have to feel like I might die of embarrassment from the mess.

But, the up shot is I feel fine other than being tired and having some braxton hicks contractions now and then. I know I have pushed it on some days, but relative to my other pregnancies I have been a good girl this time. For example, no heavy lifting since I hired a moving company. I have moved literally during every pregnancy and this is the first time we have hired a company to do it. I will never move my own house again, insha'Allah.

We finally finished fixing our rental from the tenant from *&%^ yesterday. So, we have done bathroom plumbing and now a gas leak, insha'Allah we are done. The real thing I keep asking is WHY? I mean we are landlords and all, and we did tell her to move out when she stopped paying the rent... But isn't that pretty standard? Grrrr.

Anyway, I have been watching these past two months like some sort of slow motion train wreck... And I will just be glad when things are back to normal. Or whatever you would call the average state of affairs here!LOL

Doing Less...(rant)

I would give anything at this point to have less to do every day. I would love to be able to just stay home with no regard for the clock. I am going crazy with the things I have to do outside the house, and what is every single person in my life saying???? Maybe you should consider putting the kids back in school. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

This makes me angry on so many levels. First, it means they don't understand my priorities at all. Second it means they view my work with the kids as less important than my errands, the store, helping with DH's business and having a clean house. Third it means that they feel I am not contributing unless there is some monetary gain from what I am doing.

I had a good cry about it this morning when DH told me I should open the daycare we have been talking about and I told him I didn't want any more things to do in my life... And that the only way that would work is if I could hire out everything (which I don't think is feasible). What part of three kids and another on the way so even leaving the house at all is stressful doesn't he understand????? And yet somehow DH thinks if only I woke up earlier there would be enough time in the day to do all these things. Honey, if I woke up earlier I might have time to actually eat and maybe even consider my personal appearance... But not open another business when I am pressed to get everything I have to do with the store done.

Is there a way I can just relax a little without being berated for not contributing? I'm tired, exhausted and over-emotional. Would it be fair to tell people to lay off for awhile? Would they listen? To tell you the truth I am seriously considering a teaching job just to shut everyone up, and the insurance would be a real plus too. Maybe if the kids were all able to go to whatever school I worked at I would just do it... But with the new baby I can't even consider that. Maybe I'll just pack up the kids and go to The Farm for the rest of this pregnancy.

Birth plans revisited

So, since my last posts about the plans for this birth I have had a health concern arise... Namely an abnormal pap followed by finding abnormal lesions that will have to be monitored and dealt with after this birth. Because of this all my care has been through a nurse midwife... But I really like her, and she understands where I am coming from and supports me in refusing things I don't want to have done. DH has finally relaxed about it, but I know the freaking out will commence once I get checked and biopsy post-partum.

However, none of this changes my birth itself. There are no nicu's here in Wyoming, so we had an ultrasound to check the baby for any conditions that would necessitate a nicu after birth. Alhamdulilah, things look fine... So, my plan right now is to quietly plan to birth at home unassisted. DH is not in on this plan, and I have mixed feelings about that since I believe in honesty in marriage... But, I really think I can do it, and as far as anyone knows it could just happen spontaneously anyway. I figure if it's going that smoothly I won't interrupt it. Also I have this vivid memory of laboring alone with my DD and I really think that is more my style. DH knows I won't even say I'm in labor until the last minute anyway, so I don't think he wouldn't be surprised if I waited a little too long. So, I am getting the standard measuring and weigh in type care... Monitoring my thyroid and just praying that I am in good health and the baby is too. I have a good feeling about it, the only caution I have been given is that I will probably be quicker to go to the hospital at the first sign of anything unusual than I would be if I had an attendant. Which might very well be true. But I have made dua about this, tried to make the best choice for the whole family, and this is what keeps coming to me. I have these dreams of a peaceful night birth, which I am praying is guidance about the whole thing.

Insha'Allah things will go smoothly. Please keep me in your dua! I will try to post more about things now that I am in the final trimester... I'm getting excited about the whole thing really. Now if only I could get motivated to get the house in order while I still have time!LOL

Expectations in marriage...

Over time, women in the US have managed to set things right for themselves where men are concerned. They have very well established that they are no slaves and they are no maids and if husbands want a good clean house and well cooked meals then these men would simply have to put on the "kiss the cook " apron and ditch in.....(part removed here)... So how come there are the married couples in bliss in the middle east? Very simple. Women have used every part of their wit and intelligence to get what they want from their husbands. They know for example that if they cook and clean and sweat all day in the kitchen, then that is sending hubby a message: I respect you.

This comment on another blog got me thinking about the idea of what spouses expect in marriage and how that is influenced by culture and upbringing. Now, let me be clear that there are some differences in the cultures that get lumped into the "middle eastern" label... But for the purposes of this discussion I will be lumping but understand my personal experience is mostly from a city Egyptian's view.

What I would say is the hardest thing about being married to my DH is our different views on areas of responsibility. And this is a recurring theme in Middle Eastern/American marriages pretty often (from my perspective). My DH will be totally up in arms that I didn't do something and I will feel like it wasn't my job in the first place. If there is a culture clash for us that is it. Masha'Allah we get through it but I think both of us have our deep-seeded beliefs about what we should and shouldn't have to do in the family.

For most Middle Eastern men it seems that responsibility ends at the office exit door. They bring the money the family needs (and masha'Allah will do it no matter what) and then they are DONE. Now what happens when such a husband comes home to a mediocre dinner and a messy house (even if the wife also works) he flips. Why? Because the entire day has been spent fulfilling his obligations to the family and the wife hasn't met hers in his view. Is this bad? Does this mean that these men are self centered, chauvinistic, bullish, lazy or some combination of the above? No. That is the culture they are from, and that is most likely how they were raised.

Now of course the difference is that in most Middle Eastern countries the wife can just pay to have the things that she struggles with done, where as in the US that is not an option unless you are really well off. And how well off would you have to be to afford a woman to come cook with you every weekend and whenever you have an invitation? Or someone to deep clean the house weekly, or bi-weekly? Not to mention all the other things that an American maid will not do and an Egyptian maid will. My SIL, for example, has a maid come every season change to re-organize the family closets and store all the out of season clothes and things the kids have grown out of. So, the other factor for Middle Eastern men seems to be if he is doing OK, why not hire out some of the work?

Now, my DH taught me to cook Egyptian food, and could give laundry tips to the most seasoned wife... But he never does either of the above; if he does he leaves the clothes on the couch to be folded and the kitchen full of dishes and cooking debris. Am I mad, am I annoyed, do I wish he would help more? Yeah. But I don't think he is being lazy or mean... He just isn't convinced that I can't manage it all without his help.

So I guess what I am saying is the next time a culture clash occurs in your mixed marriage ask yourself if you even agree on the basics of who does what in the house... Chances are you don't!LOL Hmmm, I'll try to remember that the next time my DH asks me why the lawn hasn't been mowed in ages...

Polygyny, not Polygamy...

I watched the show Big Love on HBO this weekend, it was pretty good. It is about a family with three wives, and several kids. The women each have their own house and the husband stays one night with each in little three day cycles. I was thinking they might not really be living in the Islamic type of polygyny... But for the most part they are. With the separate houses and dividing the money, also the time... The husband even tries to deal fairly with regards to the three when one asks him in private if he misses her the most. He simply says, "Officially, I miss you all the same."

So, I have asked myself the question would I about polygyny soooo many times. Actually I annoy my husband talking about it because he feels I would hate it (he once tricked me into thinking he was marrying again and I cried) but I am working through the idea in my mind...

Seriously, I could imagine that if circumstances allowed (like he was healthy and secure in his job) I would be telling DH to look for a second wife. Why??? Hmmmm, that is a harder question to answer. It has something to do with challenging myself to put my money where my mouth is (I do believe polygyny can be a good thing, and do believe it is a man's right). Also, I guess I see it as jihad, a way to put my trust in Allah's law, and I see it as a way to show I really do love my sisters in Islam... Or maybe I'm just plain crazy!lol

I guess I see where sharing would be hard, impossible. But I think of men who have time and money and how they always seem to have mistresses or if they are brothers secret second wives... And I would rather have it out there in the open. I don't want my DH committing haram, and I certainly wouldn't want him to go behind my back to marry again. I would hope he could face me with it and we could exist as a family. And you never know, because we all know the hadith right? The one about maybe you dislike something that has great good in it? Something to think about:)

Home Again!

Well, our trip was much longer than expected... But, Alhamdulilah, we are home again now. We had to go to Denver a day after we got back though, since I had scheduled things thinking I would been Laramie a week earlier! I am up to my neck in things to do... Laundry, unpacking, cleaning up after the past few days of being home with no energy. I just keep telling myself one big task a day. Yesterday was the van, cleaning and unloading the last few things... And also paying all the first of the month stuff and catching up on paperwork for DH's business.

As far as the trip... I got us into this city pass thing where you buy a pack of tickets that will go to the major parks and attractions at a discount. 3 days Disney, 1 day Universal Studios, 1 day Sea World & 1 day Wild Animal Park... If you are really going to do all those attractions it saves you some money. But, for me it meant I had to go to those places since I already paid. Yikes... Too many attractions for my kids even in the 2 weeks we had to go. I think I would've done 1 day Disney and Sea World and maybe the Wild Animal Park. I have no love of being in lines with a 3 kids who might have a meltdown because they are hungry, tired, have to pee, or any other number of things. Really, the best part was the beach and just relaxing at the time share.

I have so many things I want to blog about that I thought of while on vacation... I just hope to get to them before pregnancy brain erases any trace of them!LOL

No one tells you...

When you are a mom, suddenly taking a trip becomes a chore rather than something to look forward to. I would love to say that I am looking forward to next week's trip... But mostly I am stressing the details instead. Looking for hotels, helping DH get the things done for his business, trying to get the house in order, trying to make the plans of when to leave and where to stop on the way... Basically stressing being gone for 2 weeks.

I don't deny that I will have fun once we hit the road... But right now I would rather just stay home!

Not that I normaly post videos....

This video (Stupid Girl by Pink) is great. But be warned it has some skin shots, and of course it is a video... But this is one of those that I thought was really GREAT.