Saturday, December 16, 2006

Mama if that's movin' up then I'm movin' out...

Our house is in a state of disarray all the time... I'm sure this is not the first time that I have mentioned it, but last night DH said something that really stuck with me. The state of our house (eating in the living room in front of the TV was the specific topic) is affecting the kids and their manners/behavior. Yes it is. We never have a family dinner at the table because the table is covered with paperwork that I have been told don't touch. And yet somehow this is my fault because if I was perfect in all other areas and the rest of the house was in order he would fix his papers and clothes (which reside in my living room). Last night he was saying it is bad, and I have to do something about it. I agree, and I am sad to even walk into my house lately... I could be doing more for sure, I just can't bring myself to do it. But I told him today my first project was the dining room and the study (moving the dining room to the study after I clean it out) his response was don't get cute and touch my stuff. Which is it????

I am thinking that until we can get the mess under control separate houses is the only solution. I am moving in that direction. I know it has its downfalls, but I can't take living like this anymore. I told him last night... His question was until what happens? Well, maybe until the working nights thing is done, I don't know. I am tired of living in a house where I can't clean up half because it's off limits and I cant get into other rooms because he is sleeping... And the whole thing is making a crazy environment for my kids. I don't even know where it is headed right now, I just need some peace. My main problem with this is our rental (which is waiting to be sold) has so many problems. It only has two rooms, the location is freezing cold and too far out of town, it needs work, the flooring needs replaced... I just don't know.

I am waiting on it anyway, because DH is being admitted to the hospital next week for further testing and treatment for what is now being called Pulmonary Hypertension. If we are lucky it is not his heart. Make dua for him. I am in a weird place right now... I have always said that even sick people need to maintain some degree of civility, and he is not. It is hard to feel bad for him when he is after me all the time. Am I supposed to put up and shut up? I have gone our entire marriage without overt demands (although DH would say I manipulate to get my way)... Dare I start making them now?

I can't talk to him anymore, I only make him mad and give him fodder for future arguments. Could this be a phase our marriage will grow out of? Insha'Allah. I love my husband... But I don't like this side of him that has taken over his entire personality at this point. Allah help me.


Aeryn said...

Asalaam Alaikum Sister,

Very often when people are facing a serious physical health problem, it can exacerbate or bring about acute depression. In men this often manifests as irritability, difficulty sleeping, etc. I would say maybe you could try and see if perhaps while he is in the hospital for these tests if he can't also seee a psychiatrist. This is a problem that may be easily fixed by taking an anti depressant (if you want to look up more info on these type SSRI into a search engine).

Inshallah you husbands tests will return with the results that will bring the most ease. I pray that Allah will guide the doctors to help him ti get the help he needs both mental and physical.

May Allah bless you and your family, and give you comfort and peace,


Surviving said...

I can relate to how you are feeling. I hope you are able to work something out soon.

Oh, by the way you are tagged.

Anonymous said...


Been wondering about you!

If you are living a life out of control (health issues, for example) then you try to exert EXTRA control over other areas that seem like you could really make a difference.

So my baby's daddy was all about the dishes getting done after he'd spent the day screwing up our finances. His screw-ups were bigger than mine, but mine he thought he could control. I mean, your whole life hangs in the balance, but by God, have the dishes clean before you sit down to eat! Do you get the deal?

It isn't about the table. It's about a life out of control.

camilla said...

I pray things turn out better for you sis.

Donna said...

Where's a magic wand when you need it?! First things first...I have heard (and experienced) that your home is a relection of what is going on inside of you. If you are in disarray on the inside then expect it on the outside. I have come to grips with this just this past week. I recommend working on yourself first. Find out what it is that is preventing you from making changes. Decide if the current situation and all the contributing factors are reasonable or not. Is it reasonable for your husband to expect you to not touch his papers on the dining room table, forcing everyone to eat in the tv room? (please say no). Write these things down. Second see what you yourself can change vs what your husband has to contribute to. Third, sit down with your husband and discuss the situation. Give him a timeline such as"if the papers are not removed by the time you go in for testing, I will need to gather them up and place them in a safe place until you get back." Fourth, involve your local Imam or someone your husband looks up to who has a firm grasp on Islam.
I agree with aeryn and honorary arab. We all need to take responsibility for our actions and see what effect our actions have on our loved ones. Communication is very important as well as following through. You are not responsible for DH's actions or the lack thereof. Hang in there. I am sorry to be spouting off as if I have all the answers...I don't. But, I do have an idea of what you are going through.

Peace and blessings,


mommamu said...

Salaams Sis,
You both are just stressed and worried about each other MashaAllah. Remeber, "this too shall pass".

UmmZahra said...

Just wanted to say keep your head up and do your best! InshaAllah khair.

UmmLayla said...

Thanks sisters... I agree with all of you. Aeryn, yes depressed for sure. HA, out of control does lead to micro-managing your spouse somehow... I think I am also the one he can talk back to, which is good because it means he knows I am not going anywhere, but bad because he has lots of talking back to do.

Please keep us in your dua.