Friday, June 27, 2008

This is not my beautiful life...


You know the song Once in a Lifetime by The Talking Heads? I have always loved that song... And right now I feel I am living it. I feel as if I am driving through someone elses life or something. I don't know what it is... Maybe I was too into the book I just read, The Time Traveler's Wife, or something. Have you ever had that feeling?

I am longing for a house, a "normal" life... And I can't imagine that this mess of obligations and businesses all crammed into this little apartment is ACTUALLY my life. I always thought I would have a 9-5 type husband with a job and a tidy little benefits package. I also always thought I would have a house and spend my time shuttling the kids to and from violin lessons and soccer practice... Maybe have friends over for dinner on Saturday nights... And a family vacation once a year to someplace warm...

I am numb from all the things that are my daily life. I have so many dramas that they don't even seem like dramas at all anymore. DH asks me "What will move you?" when something goes on and I just sit back... Well, very little these days because if I went into panic mode over every little thing I would be in an in-patient treatment facility. But living like this is getting to me. Yesterday DH was watching a TLC show about a family with 8 kids (John and Kate Plus 8) and he remarked how nice the house was even though they had 8 kids, and how he wished he had a house like that. I laid into him. "Yea, well they have a garage and a basement... They have probably over 4000 sq feet and they can keep the kids stuff out of the main areas!!!" I yelled with as much venom as I could muster. And you know what? I was really mad about it. I got to thinking how silly our situation is, and how we are waiting for this daycare and wasting our money on all these businesses and I was really ready to explode. I laid in bed all day... And I can't really afford to do that. The nice thing was DH had the kids clean and when I finally got up to cook dinner the house was better than I had left it in the AM...

I don't know how to get myself back into the shoes of this person whose life I am living... I feel like I am watching things happen and I have no control. I'm just a gerbil on a wheel, running and running but getting nowhere. **big sigh** Am I weird or have any of you ever felt this way?

6 comments:

ummi said...

Well. I believe it's not just you. We all getting stress out by man..Yes..Man!!They almost the same doesn't matter what their background is..

My husband keep dreaming to do his own business. I stick on my feet tight as I say before I married I try as I can not to married a businessman. My father is a businessman. I know how it feel. I know how my mum feel and how me as a daughter feel. I had enough as that's my life. Money is nice though after hard work. But, money can't buy everything.

I love business too. But, at the moment I keep it only as a dream which I don't bother to make it true. I do have the life that I dream now. Hubby go 8-4. I had nice house although rented. Not too much money just enough to may be go for short holiday every year and support children education. Well, in a way no stress at all. I know how stress it can be with our own business..You must be very strong!!

I like reading your post..can you please keep writing. It's very honest from your heart.

Surviving said...

"Am I weird or have any of you ever felt this way?"

Ahhh... Every day of my life.

Please take care of yourself or you'll end up in the hospital like me!

L_Oman said...

We all get in a funk, but you have got to remember to take care of yourself! I know, easier said than done...

How come us moms always seem to be the last ones all the time? Because we let ourselves. Start taking a short chunk of time out for yourself. Whether it be to paint your nails, a short walk, whatever. Maybe it will help. And when your mood starts to uplift, perhaps the hub will see it and try to seriously make a change.

All the best to you, dear.

Ummhana said...

*HUG* I wondered where you had gone. I was glad to see a new post but sad to see you are dealing with so much. I know that feeling of wanting to have more space. We have a lot more than you do but I still think of people who have 2000 square feet and what I would do with that space. *HUG*

Anonymous said...

From one Egyptian's wife to another . . .

My husband also has his own business and I am thankful that we have a house of our own. I often fantasize about having a big house with lots of space. And then I think of my kids not sitting in the kitchen with me playing, but instead in a playroom and I know that is NOT what I'd want. I love that our stuff is crammed and kids don't have a 'playroom'. We spend time together as a family and we enjoy each other in our cramped house.

Plus, think of the expenses of such large homes - the unaffordable mortgage, the heating and a/c bills. I'd rather spend the little extra we have on trips to the amusement park and zoo!

The grass is not always greener.

UmmLayla said...

Thanks sisters for your thoughts...

Ummi, Thanks, I try to write what I feel...

Surviving, I know!!! You are not the only one telling me that.

I-Oman, I have been trying to take time to write. It just sees like I always have so many other things to do!!!

UmmHana, It isn't just the space girl... There are so many things in our life right now... **Big sigh**

Anon, I hear you. The sad part about our situation is that we do have payments and stress... It's just for businesses instead of a house:( I think I would be less stressed if we were just living on our income. As it is we have tons going out to businesses that will, insha'Allah, bring a return later. So I see the money, but we can't have it!!! WAHHHHHH