Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I know I've come a long way...

"Verily, after hardship, there is ease" Quran

OK, so when exactly is my ease coming? Lately, well for the last 5 years of my marriage anyway, I feel like a single mom. I have my days when I seriously consider divorcing because I'm not sure much about my situation would change if I did. Of course I would have to get a regular job... But I also wouldn't have to live wondering what the next thing I will do to set DH off will be.

I guess I just feel like the only thing I am gaining sometimes is financial support, and I want more than a banking arrangement. I am just dragging lately... And it shows in my house, my mothering, my life. I have tried to talk to DH about it only to have him tell me I have nothing to be upset about. I can afford to go and do whatever will make me happy he says but then I have to come back and work on one of his projects, like the daycare he wants to open.

I never thought I was marrying a man who expected so much. And truthfully, I guess I am afraid that if I can support me and the kids (which is what he wants so he can go look for another job) I won't have any reason to stay married. I love my DH, but I am not this person... I want to enjoy my life and my children, I'm not lazy or deluded... Money just doesn't rank that high in my life.

Save now so we don't have to work when we are older? Great, but what if I waste the now and I still have to work when I am older? I don't think I can take that.

6 comments:

Surviving said...

I can definately relate to how you are feeling. There have been times that I have felt/thought similar things.

Mona UmIbrahim said...

It seems to me, with my limited info, that both of you want him to get out of that night job and have a normal job. He is putting out an idea. So now you have to put out some other ideas. Then you can see the different options, the plusses and minueses, and then compromise. Of course now is not the time to be thinking day care, with a new baby in the house. He doesn't like his job, and you don't either. So help him think of a way. And if he gives you other suggestions, just tell him you'll give it some thought. I'm sure he's not trying to hurt you on purpose, just he's probably had it over his head and he's about to break.

Honorary Arab said...

Asalamalaykom,

I hear you. But, I'll have to say that there is a lot more to your partnership than money. You love him! You think that you are living life as a single mom? No way. No matter how little input a man provides, if he is a father in the house, it is a blessing. Work with it. Grow that.

If finances are the trouble, see what you can do without putting your role as mom at risk. Selling on ebay? Afterschool care to one family? You know, in my state, you don't have to have a daycare license if you are only taking care of one family. That would bring in money without draining your energy too much. Or, if you own, consider selling your house as we are, and go back to renting. No heat, trash, or water bill. We are going to use the money from equity to pay off debt.

And please stop talking about divorce. Don't even go there. It is Shaytan who wants to break up Muslim families. You are truly opening the door to talk about it like this.

Yes, after hardship there is ease. "Enna mal ousri yosra". I know it well. I asked the sheik about this and he said, "You misunderstand. The ease is Paradise. It isn't in this world." That information dealt me a blow, because I had been looking for it. I thought that I had gone through the hardtime and wanted the ease NOW. RIGHT NOW! Well, there are short periods of ease, but then it's going back into hardship, again, then ease, again. Perpetual, until Jenna, enshahallh. So, the last part from surah 94 is, "And do the work of the Lord with all your heart." Think how you can do that work and then do it. May Allah make it easy.

UmmBadier said...

Asalamu Walaikum,
Sigh. I read this a few days ago and there is so much here I relate to, how can I keep this brief? Ha!
I too feel like a single mom. We see my husband for maybe 20-40 minutes a day. He is exhausted and well, it's not blissful interaction. Alhumdiallah. However, my very close sister is a single mother to 4 kids and she has a chronic disability...so, I really can't whine to her...
Before, we married I did say I would not work after we had kids. Our first was born 10 months later and astagfirallah, I did not keep my word. I worked sooner after each birth of #2 and #3. Alhumdiallah, I mostly worked from home. It was still very stressful and an absolute BURDEN.
Inbetween 2 and 3, we moved into a home that I said I would do childcare out of. I started getting things together for that and alhumdiallah, I realised there was no way I could do it...I can barely handle my own kids and most likely I would have had to have non-Muslim families and uff, the BURDEN. I know a sister who is doing this now and I would not trade places with her. Isn't it interesting you DH wants to start a daycare? Very few men work in daycares...
So we went overseas for a while and that was way rough. Lots of money related control issues...and then when we came back to the states (I am in a state that I hate way worse than you hate Wyoming, yes I am, yes I am...it's on your to "to visit list".)Okay, so we opened a business and I worked there with number #3, again sooner than I went back to work with 1 and 2...alhumdiallah. I would have to break off #3's nursing to help customers...yeah, I know you understand. I finally met my breaking point. Do Muslims have epiphanies? So mine was that I was telling my DH, It's okay dear, I understand you are incapable of fufilling your duty as a man. I am super-muslimah and I will help you. So when he would complain about my not handling the REST of my responsibilities, well of course, I was the one who CHOSE to take on the extra load, therefor I should handle it...not that he verbalized that, but isn't that obvious? It's worse that we are Americans, because we have probs really letting go of the work and subsiquent control stuff...as long as I was working I did have some access to money, so if I wanted/needed something he didn't agree with I could still get it and yes he would be miffed, but at least I got it. Also they do see as us different, more able to work. Unless they are professionals or more culturaly-Muslim than practicing, most of the sisters I know from overseas don't work...but all but myslef and one other American one I personally in person know, they work...
I stopped working. Cold turkey. Me and the kids were suffering and actually he was too. Alhumdiallah, I have had more time to give to my deen and that benefits all of us, him too...I have seen him brag about his wife not working. Smirk. So I stopped enabling and demasculating my man. I stopped doing HIS JOB so I could do mine. We homeschool too.
We are broke. He works 13-14 hrs a day. Alhumdiallah. I have started a little ebay selling and that little tiny bit I make, Alhumidallah I can occasionaly buy a burrito!!! For real. I was thrifty before, but alhumdiallah, not I am a professional!
So now, I have to have sabr. I did have the similar thoughts regarding if I support us or even get public assistance...I have prayed istkarah regarding divorce and I got that this is not enough to leave him over...look at all my responsibilty regarding our situation, I too, let this happen. I have to give him time to figure it out and do it on his own...so I gotta guard his limited wealth and care for his neglected kids and pray and pray and inshallah this is a rough patch...
And he (pbuh) said, “The greater reward is with the greater trial. When Allah loves a people He tries them, so whoever is pleased, then for him is the pleasure [of Allah], and whoever is displeased, then for him is the displeasure [of Allah].” Al-Tirmidhi graded it hasan.
#4 is due any second. Inshallah, she will be homebirthed. The DH wants to close shop for the actual birth and reopen the next day. This annoys me to no avail as I won't be having anyone in to help me and I always had him...
alhumdiallah, at least a couple of sisters are going to take 1-3 for a few hours for the first 4 days...
You seem to be a very resourceful person, masha Allah. You can find alternatives, inshallah.
Asalamu Walaikum

UmmBadier said...

Oh wait, now I do know one other American sister here that doesn't work. Alhumdiallah...the other one sells stuff online too...we just can't completely stop!

UmmLayla said...

Thanks for all your feedback sisters. I guess the truth is we are just at a tough spot in our lives, and DH worries about money a lot.

I just don't want to pour money into a daycare that I am not ready to commit to full time. The thing is DH sees other women here working (because the jobs here don't pay much but housing is expensive) and thinks I am not doing my full share if I don't. We have to come to an agreement on this at some point. Insha'Allah we will soon.

I don't want to divorce, I guess it just keeps popping up in my mind because it has been threatened as the only solution if I fail or refuse to work because DH "couldn't take it." So it is some sort of self preservation to try to think it would be better for me. Does that make sense? And I know that my marriage can't take another bad investment that I am in charge of. I don't even want to go there.

So, for now I am trying to do like you said Mona... Steer him in the direction of a compromise. I think we will end up flipping the property we bought (fixing it and selling for a prophet) and I will keep urging DH to apply for jobs in his field. Insha'Allah, this work he has will hold out until he finds something else. But, if it doesn't we will sell everything and keep looking.

We are in a period of change, and change is hard. Like you said HA, I want my ease NOW.