There are so many unknowns in this life. Predicting, planning it seems like an impossible job.
Walking into my children's new school on Monday I felt so many things... I remembered my first days as a teacher 9 years ago. I remembered the buzz I got working at an Islamic school with the future Muslims of the world. It felt great to lead them into the room where we held the jummah. It felt to pull on little hijabs and straighten little lines of children. I felt as if I was bringing something to the ummah. I also felt every day I was learning more about the deen.
Now, I can honestly say that I haven't been to a halaqa or lecture since my middle son was a year old... That's four years now. This is NOTHING like what I planned. I am feeling further and further from the community and further and further away from the possibility that my situation will change. It's depressing.
I think so many things that re happening to us have to do with lowered iman. My DH and I both were in a better state of iman when we married. I remember him teaching me things, taking time to correct my recitations of the few surahs I know. I had dreams of really increasing my knowledge with his help. Then all of the learning stopped.
For at least 6 years now I have been feeling like he isn't lifting us... I am dragging him. And I am not that person. I know it's no excuse but I'm a convert, I need help myself. Help that I hoped I would get by marrying a born Muslim who spoke Arabic. I hate to just spew... But this is getting harder and harder. Even just talking about it I am ready to cry because I am afraid there is no blessing on our life. Is that crazy?
I know there are all sorts of dreams and ideas you have when you first get married, and that these are often lost. But this dream of an Islamic household is one that I refuse to let go of. I am tired, I am lost, I am not even certain (considering how our lives have turned out) if there is any good in this marriage at all. Right now what I see is that neither of us are the Muslims we were when we married. Maybe we are just a bad combination. Maybe it's not us but the longer we stay here with no community the more it will became a trail.
Even as I am writing this I feel like I could just dissolve at any moment. He keeps telling me I am going to push him to do something "crazy" that will effect our lives forever. You know what, I think we have to do something crazy to pull ourselves out of this. Enough entrepreneurial BS. Lets pack the bags and move to someplace where we can have a life.
Breathe, Dammit, Breathe!
2 weeks ago