My right to be in my home seems to be under attack.
I know this sounds crazy, and I don’t think there is even a solution outside of separate houses (which incidentally has been proposed). But I need to talk about this… Because talking feels more productive than crying, and I want to say it to someone before the separate houses thing actually happens without any feedback as to whether or not I have sealed my fate by doing it.
I hate to talk about personal things (like I said I have promised not to gab about my marriage), but I feel that the need for a sounding board about this outweighs that right now. That said, here goes.
DH told me today, in no uncertain terms that I can’t be in the house after 10am anymore because he has to sleep. Which simply means that I must be in the store after 10am every day with the kids. This sucks on so many levels.
1. My house is a mess (because I am never there) and if I am never there I can never clean it. Also, if I do ever clean it I will never be there to enjoy it. Hmph.
2. I have to try to get meals ready to accommodate the “eat as soon as we get home” style we are living with, which limits me severely.
3. I like being home, especially on weekends. And I am bitter that he gets to sit there and relax alone, which I never do.
4. I just trained someone for the store so I can be home.
5. I have to try to bring things to the store to feed the kids in the absence of a kitchen. And being without a kitchen all day with five of us sucks.
6. Dividing time between the house and the store means dragging things back and forth between the two places all the time and losing stuff in the process.
7. I have the bad feeling that his wanting everyone out of the house is the major motivation for him to send the kids to school this year.
8. I feel putting his sleep before 5 other people’s desire to be at home is flat out selfish. Of course he will say I am selfish for wanting to be at home when clearly he needs to sleep so he can work.
I don’t know whether to cry or start looking for an apartment for him or what. I would move, but I feel the larger place should be for the kids and me. If his sleep has to be separate I want him to be the one to move to a studio or something to sleep and work.
I guess I would say just go do it, but I am afraid it will lead to us separating (which is not what I want). Of course the tension is so high surrounding this subject that we may just end up divorcing if it continues… I know from talking to him that he doesn’t understand, and he will never see that his job disrupts our family. He told me the other day that it could be worse because his job could involve traveling and I told him seeing him only on weekends would be easier… Which went over like a lead brick. He is still mad about it. And I stand firm that trying to live life around his sleeping all day is not working. We are at an impasse. I will never be able to keep the kids quiet enough or meet all the demands he makes while trying to sleep; it just makes me bitter and mad… No matter how hard I try to overlook it. Ya Allah. I even found myself having to go sit in the visitors lounge with the kids and an hours old baby when he can to visit me in the hospital so he could sleep in the bed in the room. I felt soooo taken advantage of. Basically, I was mad that he came at all if he was just going to sleep. And every day at home is the same. I am on edge because I know the kids will wake him or he is expecting me to leave or he is sitting in bed asking for things so he doesn’t have to get up… I am not a good wife like this. I am not a good mother like this.
So, what is the end of all this? Can I ask him to get a place where he can sleep and work undisturbed without causing a huge uproar? He himself has suggested it… But I am afraid to demand it. On another level, I have days where I am ready to get divorced just to have my own space… And shaiton is there, “What are you getting from this relationship? When has he ever helped you with anything? When has he ever gotten you a drink while you were in bed? You have the right to relax in your own house too!”
You know those moments in your life where you can just physically feel shaiton’s presence? I am having more and more of those every day. It is getting harder and harder to be rational. And I KNOW my DH feels that I am the abusive irrational one in this situation. I need respite. I need to take a sabbatical from this relationship. But I am afraid that would seal my fate. I have to make things work and I am just grasping at straws for a way to do that. I can’t be a tolerant peaceful wife with these things hanging over my head. And I can’t be out of the house with the kids all the time like that. HELP!!! Maybe this marriage is over and I just don’t see it.