Doing Less...(rant)

I would give anything at this point to have less to do every day. I would love to be able to just stay home with no regard for the clock. I am going crazy with the things I have to do outside the house, and what is every single person in my life saying???? Maybe you should consider putting the kids back in school. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

This makes me angry on so many levels. First, it means they don't understand my priorities at all. Second it means they view my work with the kids as less important than my errands, the store, helping with DH's business and having a clean house. Third it means that they feel I am not contributing unless there is some monetary gain from what I am doing.

I had a good cry about it this morning when DH told me I should open the daycare we have been talking about and I told him I didn't want any more things to do in my life... And that the only way that would work is if I could hire out everything (which I don't think is feasible). What part of three kids and another on the way so even leaving the house at all is stressful doesn't he understand????? And yet somehow DH thinks if only I woke up earlier there would be enough time in the day to do all these things. Honey, if I woke up earlier I might have time to actually eat and maybe even consider my personal appearance... But not open another business when I am pressed to get everything I have to do with the store done.

Is there a way I can just relax a little without being berated for not contributing? I'm tired, exhausted and over-emotional. Would it be fair to tell people to lay off for awhile? Would they listen? To tell you the truth I am seriously considering a teaching job just to shut everyone up, and the insurance would be a real plus too. Maybe if the kids were all able to go to whatever school I worked at I would just do it... But with the new baby I can't even consider that. Maybe I'll just pack up the kids and go to The Farm for the rest of this pregnancy.

Birth plans revisited

So, since my last posts about the plans for this birth I have had a health concern arise... Namely an abnormal pap followed by finding abnormal lesions that will have to be monitored and dealt with after this birth. Because of this all my care has been through a nurse midwife... But I really like her, and she understands where I am coming from and supports me in refusing things I don't want to have done. DH has finally relaxed about it, but I know the freaking out will commence once I get checked and biopsy post-partum.

However, none of this changes my birth itself. There are no nicu's here in Wyoming, so we had an ultrasound to check the baby for any conditions that would necessitate a nicu after birth. Alhamdulilah, things look fine... So, my plan right now is to quietly plan to birth at home unassisted. DH is not in on this plan, and I have mixed feelings about that since I believe in honesty in marriage... But, I really think I can do it, and as far as anyone knows it could just happen spontaneously anyway. I figure if it's going that smoothly I won't interrupt it. Also I have this vivid memory of laboring alone with my DD and I really think that is more my style. DH knows I won't even say I'm in labor until the last minute anyway, so I don't think he wouldn't be surprised if I waited a little too long. So, I am getting the standard measuring and weigh in type care... Monitoring my thyroid and just praying that I am in good health and the baby is too. I have a good feeling about it, the only caution I have been given is that I will probably be quicker to go to the hospital at the first sign of anything unusual than I would be if I had an attendant. Which might very well be true. But I have made dua about this, tried to make the best choice for the whole family, and this is what keeps coming to me. I have these dreams of a peaceful night birth, which I am praying is guidance about the whole thing.

Insha'Allah things will go smoothly. Please keep me in your dua! I will try to post more about things now that I am in the final trimester... I'm getting excited about the whole thing really. Now if only I could get motivated to get the house in order while I still have time!LOL

Expectations in marriage...

Over time, women in the US have managed to set things right for themselves where men are concerned. They have very well established that they are no slaves and they are no maids and if husbands want a good clean house and well cooked meals then these men would simply have to put on the "kiss the cook " apron and ditch in.....(part removed here)... So how come there are the married couples in bliss in the middle east? Very simple. Women have used every part of their wit and intelligence to get what they want from their husbands. They know for example that if they cook and clean and sweat all day in the kitchen, then that is sending hubby a message: I respect you.

This comment on another blog got me thinking about the idea of what spouses expect in marriage and how that is influenced by culture and upbringing. Now, let me be clear that there are some differences in the cultures that get lumped into the "middle eastern" label... But for the purposes of this discussion I will be lumping but understand my personal experience is mostly from a city Egyptian's view.

What I would say is the hardest thing about being married to my DH is our different views on areas of responsibility. And this is a recurring theme in Middle Eastern/American marriages pretty often (from my perspective). My DH will be totally up in arms that I didn't do something and I will feel like it wasn't my job in the first place. If there is a culture clash for us that is it. Masha'Allah we get through it but I think both of us have our deep-seeded beliefs about what we should and shouldn't have to do in the family.

For most Middle Eastern men it seems that responsibility ends at the office exit door. They bring the money the family needs (and masha'Allah will do it no matter what) and then they are DONE. Now what happens when such a husband comes home to a mediocre dinner and a messy house (even if the wife also works) he flips. Why? Because the entire day has been spent fulfilling his obligations to the family and the wife hasn't met hers in his view. Is this bad? Does this mean that these men are self centered, chauvinistic, bullish, lazy or some combination of the above? No. That is the culture they are from, and that is most likely how they were raised.

Now of course the difference is that in most Middle Eastern countries the wife can just pay to have the things that she struggles with done, where as in the US that is not an option unless you are really well off. And how well off would you have to be to afford a woman to come cook with you every weekend and whenever you have an invitation? Or someone to deep clean the house weekly, or bi-weekly? Not to mention all the other things that an American maid will not do and an Egyptian maid will. My SIL, for example, has a maid come every season change to re-organize the family closets and store all the out of season clothes and things the kids have grown out of. So, the other factor for Middle Eastern men seems to be if he is doing OK, why not hire out some of the work?

Now, my DH taught me to cook Egyptian food, and could give laundry tips to the most seasoned wife... But he never does either of the above; if he does he leaves the clothes on the couch to be folded and the kitchen full of dishes and cooking debris. Am I mad, am I annoyed, do I wish he would help more? Yeah. But I don't think he is being lazy or mean... He just isn't convinced that I can't manage it all without his help.

So I guess what I am saying is the next time a culture clash occurs in your mixed marriage ask yourself if you even agree on the basics of who does what in the house... Chances are you don't!LOL Hmmm, I'll try to remember that the next time my DH asks me why the lawn hasn't been mowed in ages...

Polygyny, not Polygamy...

I watched the show Big Love on HBO this weekend, it was pretty good. It is about a family with three wives, and several kids. The women each have their own house and the husband stays one night with each in little three day cycles. I was thinking they might not really be living in the Islamic type of polygyny... But for the most part they are. With the separate houses and dividing the money, also the time... The husband even tries to deal fairly with regards to the three when one asks him in private if he misses her the most. He simply says, "Officially, I miss you all the same."

So, I have asked myself the question would I about polygyny soooo many times. Actually I annoy my husband talking about it because he feels I would hate it (he once tricked me into thinking he was marrying again and I cried) but I am working through the idea in my mind...

Seriously, I could imagine that if circumstances allowed (like he was healthy and secure in his job) I would be telling DH to look for a second wife. Why??? Hmmmm, that is a harder question to answer. It has something to do with challenging myself to put my money where my mouth is (I do believe polygyny can be a good thing, and do believe it is a man's right). Also, I guess I see it as jihad, a way to put my trust in Allah's law, and I see it as a way to show I really do love my sisters in Islam... Or maybe I'm just plain crazy!lol

I guess I see where sharing would be hard, impossible. But I think of men who have time and money and how they always seem to have mistresses or if they are brothers secret second wives... And I would rather have it out there in the open. I don't want my DH committing haram, and I certainly wouldn't want him to go behind my back to marry again. I would hope he could face me with it and we could exist as a family. And you never know, because we all know the hadith right? The one about maybe you dislike something that has great good in it? Something to think about:)

Home Again!

Well, our trip was much longer than expected... But, Alhamdulilah, we are home again now. We had to go to Denver a day after we got back though, since I had scheduled things thinking I would been Laramie a week earlier! I am up to my neck in things to do... Laundry, unpacking, cleaning up after the past few days of being home with no energy. I just keep telling myself one big task a day. Yesterday was the van, cleaning and unloading the last few things... And also paying all the first of the month stuff and catching up on paperwork for DH's business.

As far as the trip... I got us into this city pass thing where you buy a pack of tickets that will go to the major parks and attractions at a discount. 3 days Disney, 1 day Universal Studios, 1 day Sea World & 1 day Wild Animal Park... If you are really going to do all those attractions it saves you some money. But, for me it meant I had to go to those places since I already paid. Yikes... Too many attractions for my kids even in the 2 weeks we had to go. I think I would've done 1 day Disney and Sea World and maybe the Wild Animal Park. I have no love of being in lines with a 3 kids who might have a meltdown because they are hungry, tired, have to pee, or any other number of things. Really, the best part was the beach and just relaxing at the time share.

I have so many things I want to blog about that I thought of while on vacation... I just hope to get to them before pregnancy brain erases any trace of them!LOL

No one tells you...

When you are a mom, suddenly taking a trip becomes a chore rather than something to look forward to. I would love to say that I am looking forward to next week's trip... But mostly I am stressing the details instead. Looking for hotels, helping DH get the things done for his business, trying to get the house in order, trying to make the plans of when to leave and where to stop on the way... Basically stressing being gone for 2 weeks.

I don't deny that I will have fun once we hit the road... But right now I would rather just stay home!

Not that I normaly post videos....

This video (Stupid Girl by Pink) is great. But be warned it has some skin shots, and of course it is a video... But this is one of those that I thought was really GREAT.

A gluten for punishment

About 6 months ago now my only brother discovered he has Celiacs. Now it's not an allergy, it is an inability to digest gluten that leads to malabsorption of nutrients and a host of GI troubles. Ever since he has gone on a gluten free diet his health has improved and he lost a few excess pounds and gained control over GI trouble he's been having since high school. Inspired by the fact that celiacs seems to be highly inheritable, I have been looking into it.

I talked with the midwife I am seeing for this pregnancy... And she has told me I should just try it, since it carries no risk and eating gluten if I have celiacs does. So, I am going gluten free for a month. And, DS#2 will be as well. Although I imagine that will have it's challenges considering that he is 3 years old and we will still have regular breads and baked goods in the house. The reason I am having him try too is that he is growing so slowly. Now, maybe that's just him... But I want to be sure. Probably all the kids will end up on the diet, so I don't have any fights, we'll have to see how it goes. Nothing ventured nothing gained, right?

At the risk of beating a dead horse...

I just wanted to comment on two things that I heard on radio/Arabic news channels because they are really eating me.

The first, and the closest to my heart... The US military is imprisoning the WIVES of suspected terrorists in Iraq. Shame on them. What about that is different than the dictatorship we just removed??? And to me it really reeks of desperation. OK, wire tap me. OK, search my house. Imprison me because you SUSPECT my husband might be involved in terrorist activities? Grrrr. It just makes me so mad! And visions of WWII interment camps keep flooding my mind.

And today, finally the media here in the US picked up what Al-Jazera has been talking about for the past couple days...Caricatures of Mohammad SWS first published in Denmark when a Denmark newspaper asked 12 cartoonists to draw a caricature of the Prophet. Saudi Arabia, Yemen, Qatar, and there may be more now are boycotting Denmark as a result. DH and I felt compelled to look them up online... And we were able to find reprints someone had posted of the cartoons. Yeah, DUMB to say the least. Offensive too... My feeling though is that it reveals what non-Muslims tend to think about us, and it is a sad testimony to the fact that we have gone NOWHERE in educating the public about Islam. You say one thing by poking fun at Osama Bin Laden, or even modern Muslims... But taking it back to the Prophet, well yeah. I support the boycotting because it sends a message... But I want people to know we aren't just mad about depicting the Prophet (because if you aren't Muslim that makes no sense to you anyway) but we are mad at the way he is being depicted and what it says about how people feel about Islam as a religion.

New HSer in the house...

Well, my son has been absent from his ready to read program (which operates on a grant from the state) that we have been told he is probably going to lose his spot. I have been working with him at home, and I guess I am OK with it if that happens. I just hope my husband doesn't get upset about it. I know we are on the same page with the keeping him home to let the ear really heal, but DH was really set on having him finish this year in that program. Well, I guess what happens happens at this point. If they can't justify absences for an ear surgery and before that strep throat there is nothing I can do about it. Besides, having him home is nice! We had fun with our lessons this morning. DD actually ran to the table to sit down and get to work rather than me dragging her!LOL

I am also in the midst of planning a 2 week trip to California. Mainly we will be in the Anaheim area doing the Disney thing. And we will make a detour to San Diego as well. Of course we are driving... Which should be interesting to say the least. I am looking forward to it though because we haven't taken a family vacation is sooooo long. And I can't even remember the last time my husband took off work for any reason other than illness. Now if I could just get all the planning done!

Back from Denver

My middle child had his ear surgery on Tuesday.... And they were unable to restore the hearing because the patch of skin covering the hole in his inner ear (from the last surgery) didn't take. So, it looks like another surgery is in the future. I was hoping that this would be the last one... But, Alhamdulilah we are one the way, and fixing the hole in the inner ear is a big thing because it effects his balance an everything. Now, we just wait and do it again in another six months.

GREAT book

I just got done reading Birth Without Violence by Leboyer... Wow. I think everyone should read this book. I have heard about it before, but I never read it because I always looked at it and said, "Violence isn't that a really STRONG word to use in reference to birth practices?" And of course I have heard about the Leboyer bath, and all that... But the book really made me think about things from the infant's perspective and think how important every little thing in the first moments in the world can be... And I no longer think violence is a strong word.

It really makes you examine the infant's feelings and struggles in those initial moments of life. It was a real ah-ha moment for me. I sat down to read it in one evening. Of course it is a short book, but I really got into it. I am DEFINATLY doing these things when my baby comes, insha'Allah. Of course DH has already expressed a big fear holding a newborn, "You want me to hold that slippery little thing in the water?" Yeah, way to get into it honey!LOL

It's a good thing they are little...

So, we did Eid shopping in Ft Collins and I must admit to staying away from the toy store in favor of more educational gifts... Everyone choose books and school supplies, and I got a phonics set that will work for all of them. Am I getting boring in my old age or what? Well they did get to go to Chucky Cheese...

Eid Saeed!

Insha'Allah everyone had a happy eid. This was the first year in quite some time that we were unable to sacrifice. Just no one in the area doing it, and DH not feeling up to searching the far reaches this year.

The day before Eid in a mad Eid cleaning spree I did finally tackle the play/classroom. What a relief! Two bags of trash out and some new storage bins, shelves, blinds and posters in... The place is like new. And I actually have all my school/teaching/learning theory books in one place for now, alhamdulilah!

We have been debating the trip that we are planning to Egypt... And it seems that we have come to the conclusion that it would be better to wait until a few months after the baby is born, insha'Allah. I have this whole curve in my back giving me pain in my hip and it is worse during pregnancy because of the weight and the loose ligaments. The good thing is I can get some correction going once the baby is born and they can x-ray the area to see just what needs to be done. So, in theory I will feel better with all the walking and everything after the baby is born. DH just doesn't want me to stay in the apartment the entire time because I don't feel up to walking around all day. He sees the baby as not a big deal as long as he/she is nursing and hanging out in the sling... And I tend to agree. Maybe if it weren't for this hip thing I would be into going before, but right now waiting doesn't seem like a bad thing. In the end it gives me more time to plan. I think I am even going to look into our luggage going separate from us so we don't have to carry it with us. I am worried that might be an ordeal with the kids... So if anyone has any tips on shipping things to Egypt, I'm all ears!LOL

Well, we are off to Ft. Collins to take the kids to Chucky Cheese and Toys'R'us to pick their eid gifts!

Frito Pie

So one of my new things lately is Frito pie. Something I NEVER eat... For those of you who don't know what I am talking about; Fritos on the bottom, chili in the middle and cheese on top. I have been craving it like crazy. Basically I am living on the stuff (of course I am doing the obligatory two eggs, four servings of milk and the leafy greens prescribed in the Brewer Diet too), but how long can I go with chili as my daily protein serving??? I guess since I use healthy chili the real junk is the Fritos themselves. Every one of my pregnancies has been marked by some craving like that. DD it was spaghettios, DS1 lobster, DS2 falafel and foul sandwiches... Hmmm, is there some logic in that? I can't find any.

Anyway, pregnancy news is otherwise pretty dull here right now. I am finally gaining but not too much, masha'Allah. But, my migraines are rearing their ugly head every time I get even the least bit stressed... I seem to be OK otherwise though. I actually feel pretty good (at 19 weeks I am past the nausea and everything). Well, nothing much to say other than that... Gearing up for my son's follow up surgery in Denver next week (he has a hearing/inner ear problem). Insha'Allah it will be the last one.

You don't know POOR

I didn't know what poor was until I went out of the US. I think anyone who has been abroad for anything other than a vacation knows what I am talking about.

Now that I am in Wyoming, I can say I NEVER see anyone who is truly destitute. Actually what I see is mothers with kids from three different men getting housing, food stamps, medical care and assistance with their utilities from the Wyoming government. What I see is people quitting their second job so their income is low enough to have government housing.

In contrast, in Egypt I saw the porter in the building I was in making somewhere around 100 pounds a month to support his entire family. Here was a guy hauling trash, washing cars, carrying bags for people, and really WORKING... And he couldn't afford the basic necessities. I thought to myself that family is on the edge between survival and being on the streets. If that man lost an arm, became paralyzed, had a heart problem... His income would be gone and so would the housing his work provides. I don't think I have ever seen anything like that here in the US.

I am not saying that the US is superior, or that other governments should do more to help their people; because I don't think that. Egypt for example has government hospitals and Drs who work out of clinics at Islamic centers for nominal fees. In ways Egypt is succeeding in a way that we are not in that area. What I am saying is that America is unusual in this respect. In a way we are spoiled. We don't even worry about the level of poverty that exists in other countries because we know the government will be there if we are ever that poor.

But, contrary to that being good thing I wonder if this mentality isn't hurting us in the long run. How many of the mothers here in Wyoming are ready to go away from getting everything from the state and work to pay the same bills? Why are young healthy people living off the state when they can work (and though the jobs aren't all glamorous they are there)? I guess I just see this increasing reliance on the government among people my age and younger... And this weird mentality that they will be paying it all back sooner or later when they get a "real job" and pay taxes. What happened to the self reliance that people in the US exhibited in the past? When did that get replaced with a grab what you can approach to government services? How much longer can the government keep up with the increasing demands?

These are the things that go through my mind when I am in Egypt and I get stuck in traffic and I see the vegetable cart being tended by an entire family complete with naked toddlers running dangerously close to the traffic. You are looking at their entire fortune there in front of you. Alhamdulilah, I guess I just never knew poor growing up here in the US.

Hat tip to "Nice Guys"

I was watching a stand up comic the other day and he said something that just spilt my sides because it is sooooo true. He said he was reading a woman's magazine that had a poll on what fantasy man women want... The answer? 70% said a "Dangerous Man". The comics comment on that was "Well, they must be thinking of James Bond or something because in reality when you marry the dangerous man you are that woman on an episode of cops hanging out the trailer door in your tank top screaming, "Lock his a*& up!" while they haul your husband away." How true, how true... And yet I see young girls chasing after these bad boys all the time. I can only hope that they will have the sense to settle down with a "Nice Guy".

This leads me to another subject entirely... How American women seem to give "Nice Guys" the cold shoulder. "Nice" is the kiss of death for guys looking for a spouse. Now, you may think I am talking only to the non-Muslim world... That this only applies to dating situations... But NO. I have seen really great brothers get turned down cold because the sister isn't impressed when she sees him. HUH? Are we window shopping here? And the same goes for brothers looking for a wife. Remember the advice of the prophet on choosing a wife, the best criteria is the religion.

Now before you dismiss me let me give you the case of a brother who I know who I think is a really wonderful guy. He started with the traditional through the community meeting sisters eligible for marriage. Now he is Middle Eastern, so he started with sisters from this group. One time he went to a house to meet the daughter of a man he knew from the masjid who seemed to be approving of the idea of him seeking one of his daughters. The sister saw him from the other room, and never went into meet him. After an awkward dinner the young brother was informed that the daughter was not "ready" for marriage yet, she still had a year of college to finish. On another occasion he was told the same thing after only a few minutes with the father this time he left with the impression that they thought he was not wealthy enough because of his car... Long story short, this brother gave up on the ummah. He started trying to meet women at the university. They thought he was too "nice" and were confused by the whole not wanting a physical relationship thing. In the end he married an American convert years later... But how crazy is it that this brother so clearly ready to marry had to wait?

So, I just want to say to the "Nice Guys" out there that there are those of us out there who appreciate you... Don't get discouraged. There are sisters out there who are looking for someone just like you. And I also want to say to sisters if you dismiss a brother because he isn't devastatingly handsome, or seems a little awkward the first time you meet him... You may just be passing up the kind of man who will give you a loving home and a fulfilling marriage for many years to come... So think twice, and look deep when you are meeting a potential spouse. And brothers,that applies to you too.

Your results may vary...

I am a big believer in the no quick fixes, no firm answers school of life. I try to look at things from this perspective. I find this to be especially true of parenting. When my daughter is having a "bad day" I find myself looking for an overall pattern that might lead to an answer...

Well today was one of those days. And I am sitting here accessing the situation to the best of my ability and wondering what is going on. I can honestly say I have no idea. What can I do about it? No idea again. She certainly can tell vocabulary wise... She just lacks the emotional maturity to verbalize her feelings. My only inkling of an idea is that it has something to do with the leap she is making in her reading and becoming a more independent person.

It seems as if every major phase in our development can be accompanied by such frustration. Or not. My son has weathered these changes well. Masha'Allah, he seems to be an even tempered boy. My oldest and my youngest are prone to emotional thunderstorms of frustration whenever they are growing developmentally.

I guess my question is, what do I as a parent do about this? DH is inclined to be strict, to set more limits... I am inclined to give more room for error, let more things pass unnoticed... And then I think of the book Kids are Worth It and I try to imagine a way to give her structure and limits without becoming a "brick wall parent" and how to let her make her mistakes without being a "jellyfish parent". I can definitely say that having a six year old is the hardest task I have faced so far in life. And it makes me seriously wonder about my ability to cope with a teenager!LOL

I guess I am just in awe of the whole experience. I am overwhelmed with the sense that I will have an impact on her future and I have to deal with everything in the right way. I pray for strength I pray for guidance, and I just take it one challenge at a time. Subhan'Allah. And people think having a new baby is hard... I tell them "I already know what to do with a new baby! You can't really put a six year old in the sling and walk around until she sleeps, can you?"

Battle of wills

So yesterday DH freaked out and decided that he was most definitely not for having a home birth. He did the same with homeschooling the first year... He just called me while I was in Denver rambling something about sending Layla to school in a neighboring town where she could enter Kindergarten early. We sent her to a half day program at a private school here in town that year. Sometimes I think he should've married someone more conventional... He sincerely doesn't understand why I don't just have another c-section... He really doesn't know why I am so set on homeschooling.

I am tired of locking horns over things that are important to me... And I am tired of always being the one who compromises. This time, I don't know if I can back down... So it looks like I will either be fighting hospital staff or my own husband about this birth. UGH

Various thoughts today...

Well, I have been seriously lacking in time these days... I feel like the day just fly’s by. Yesterday I went to a meeting in FT Collins about a midwifery course I am planning to take, insha'Allah. I also ran all over the area after the meeting looking for affordable living room furniture, only to discover that there is no such thing. I guess my standard of "affordable" is unattainable. Huh.

In other news, I am trying my best to stick to the Brewer diet... And after reading a thing about adequate weight gain during pregnancy yesterday, I have renewed my resolve to eat well. I have stayed at 5 lbs under my weight when I first discovered I was pregnant. Probably due to an aversion to food in general when I am pregnant. I had a favorite of mine the other night and found myself forcing it down. I will never understand why I only have an appetite when it isn't useful or healthy for me. Ya'Allah!

Also, it seems like things in Egypt have gotten crazy... Which means we have started saving to go, insha’Allah. Of course this is a big headache/stressor for me since now I get to play financial gatekeeper (aka big meany who says no to everything) for the next few months. Not to mention I don't know how I am going to get things straightened out here in time to go in March/April like we want to. Planning to be abroad for an entire month or more is overwhelming. I wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to move!LOL The problem is finding ways to pay ahead, or shut off services we won't be using for the month or two we are gone. It seems easy, but the truth is since everything that involves time and frustration seems to fall to me I will be doing all of it... Which makes it a pain in the neck. And then of course there is finding an affordable plane ticket without having to connect 10 times and spend 7 hours in the airport in Amsterdam or something, and I don't even want to discuss that!LOL

Hmmmm, that all sounds really negative doesn't it? Well, on the good side I have been spending some time and $ on the house getting it in some reasonable semblance of order. It is slow, but alhamdulilah it is looking better. Now if I could only motivate myself to tackle the toys and school supplies...