Nothing natural?????

So, as one astute reader noted... The long break is due to the fact that the new addition has arrived. A girl, Salmeh, born on Sunday the 4th, one day before her due date. Alhamdulilah.

Sleepy, yet supportive and wonderful DH was there the entire time... And I was attended by a rockin midwife who just got hospital privileges in December. As anyone who has read previous entry's about my plans knows... I have agonized over this birth and where and how it would take place. As much as I wanted to be at home, and even go unassisted... In the end I decided I was risking my marriage if I left DH out of the decision, and it was is baby too. So, I gave birth in a hospital... And I did have to hear about 1000 times how "risky" what I was doing was. I even had the doc on call give me a little lecture about how there was "nothing natural about a birth after two c-sections." But, when I got the phone call on Monday urdging me to schedule a c-section I was able to do my best Mandar(Dexter's Lab) Ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha!

The funny thing was that the nurses must have thought women in active labor lose their sense of hearing because I heard them at the nurses station every time they left my room after checking on me. "She says she doesn't want the monitor to be left on!" "She says she wants to walk around!" "She says she only wants a hep lock in case of emergency, not a regular IV!" "She's drinking!" Finally when the whole crew attending came in at once I said, "Look, you can think of me as your difficult patient for the day... But what I am doing is not crazy, and I wouldn't do anything that I thought would risk the health of my baby. If we get to a point where something is going wrong and I need all this, I will let you know. Until then, leave me alone." Or something close to that... I was in labor you know;)

But, in the time that it took the doctor to call the anesthesiologist (they wanted to have me set an epidural in place even if I got nothing through it) I went from a five to a nine, and the anesthesiologist refused to place anything. The progress was courtesy of me doing some serious labor dancing and squatting (at least I think). The hardest part of the whole labor came after my water was broken and they put in an internal monitor (one of those vile little things they put on the baby's scalp) and I was stuck in the bed. Now to be honest, even if I had the will to walk at that point I might not have been able to. It was all I could do to get to squatting position in the bed with the help of DH and the midwife.

I had the traditional I can't do this I want to go home moments during transition. I don't remember this much pain during transition with Layla. But, I think it just lasted longer this time. Finally, the midwife pushed the last bit of cervix out of the way and after a couple of contractions I got to experience the whole physiological pushing thing. It was amazing really. I felt my entire belly tightening up and since I was in a semi-squatting position I just felt this downward force... It was nothing like the coached pushing I did with Layla. If I can give a graphic comparison, it is like a normal bowel movement vs constipation. I don't know where the whole coaching the laboring woman to push thing started... But I will never do it again. I came out of the delivery with an intact pernium, masha'Allah and feeling great. I was able to spend an hour with the baby before they bugged me with the weighing and all that, which was great. I even felt well enough to go to the nursery with her while they cleaned her up and did all the newborn checks.

Natural childbirth rocks. It is worth the fight every time. Even DH who was skeptical about the whole thing (he tends to believe the OBs) has been converted. He just feels that the will to do it overcomes any obstacles along the way. Truly, I can't say I even believe that there is a big difference between women with c-sections and women without. As long as the scar is a bikini line cut, I see no reason that a vbac shouldn't be the default. And screw it is the doctors want to convince you otherwise. Read up and convince yourself. Even their own consent forms state the risk of uterine rupture at less than 1%, and all the bad things they talk about only happen if the uterus ruptures. Remind them of that if you have to.

I can't I can't I can't stand losing

So, in the middle of the changes that are going on in our life... It looks like DH might lose the contract that makes his business possible. Meaning the paper that controls everything is threatening to pull his distributorship. UGH. Not good timing.
Please keep him in your dua. He is now faced with considering all the other jobs that we have been talking about (his degrees are in EE) and leaning towards something in the oil industry. Insha'Allah that will be the direction he heads in. I would love to see him doing something he could feel great about, and the oil industry is that for him. If he gets a job like that it will truly be a blessing that he lost the distributorship.

The flip side is a man who is on the verge of losing his job is not in the mood to deal with other complications in life... And we are heading towards a time full of them with this new house and what we are planning for it. Allah give us patience.

Now in the immediate future... DH has invited my SIL for the weekend. Now, I try to refrain from just complaining about my somewhat crazy SIL... But why did he invite her when I am so close to having the baby? Sheesh. And you can guess from all I just said that I am in no position to tell him no or call the thought of having someone there 24 hours a day when I could go into labor at any time crazy. But seriously... I am a little upset about it. OHHHHHHHHH, can't I just say NO? Can't DH ask first?

Any day now....

So I have headed into that time where I start to wish I never told anyone my due date... I am ready to have this baby, and I am finding it harder to wait. And, everyone is calling me asking if I had the baby yet. No, still waiting.

I did go over with DS #1... So I have tried to prepare myself for the possibility... But I am getting antsy. I was just saying to DH last night that I have the feeling this baby is going to hang out a little longer. I guess only time will tell. The thing that is bugging me the most... The feeling like every time I leave the store I have to be ready for the possibility that I might not be back for a week or two. And I have the same feeling about the house. If I knew when it would happen I could get things ready and in order for that date; but right now I just try to keep things in order and keep the laundry done and DH's work clothes ready so I am ready if it happens tonight. It's a little overwhelming. And I prepare big batches of food only for DH to eat them and then I feel I have to fill the fridge again "just in case".

In some strange way I feel like since I am getting worn down and tired I will be less ready than I would be if I had the baby now. Every day I look at the things I have to do and I just can't drag myself to do them. I am more tired and less able to keep up every day it seems. Well, alhamdulilah, maybe the waiting will give me a chance to get over this chest cold I have.

Amityville?

Soooo, I was fine with the concept that we were buying an old building with 100's of unknowns... And for reasons kinda personal this was a unique opportunity to invest at a level we normally wouldn't invest at. But I expected to find out things like the wiring was old and not up to code... What I found out is slightly more disturbing.

The place was a mortuary before it was a church. Yikes. I am trying to be level headed about this... But I am getting more and more distressed about it. I am afraid that by the time we move I will be downright freaked out. Is that crazy? I am a grown adult, and I don't even believe in ghosts (as in disembodied human spirits) but I do believe quite strongly in menacing jinn. And doesn't a mortuary seem like a perfect place for bad jinn to hang? Now DH insists that the buildings years as a church must negate all that... But I don't know.

And in the realm of the known... I just called for the utility history from last year and the gas bill for the church and the house in the back combined was $750 on the colder months. Now keeping in mind that the church was empty at the time, that's a huge bill. Does home-ownership get easier?

Well, I'm going to try to research the history of the property a little more with public records here in town... Am I being obsessive about this? Should I just let sleeping dogs lie?

Madesh Habibi

Every time I tell my DH I can't sleep or complain of some other pregnancy related thing he tells me, "Madesh habibi, a few more days." Don't say that honey! I feel like a mad woman running around freaking out about things that need to be done before the baby comes. Yah Allah I need a normal delivery this time. I can't be down for the 1-2 weeks with a c-section. There is just too much going on with us, and DH is never home with his second job (did I mention DH took a second job?).

I am trying to catch up on things I have been putting off, but I am tired and have to take frequent breaks... I finally took the clothes I never wear and donated them, then stored things I won't wear while BFing. And all the baby stuff is in order aside from a shipment of diapers that should be here any day, insha'Allah. The real problem is with 5 people in the house you are never "finished". I can never stand in my living room and say, alhamdulilah, then sit back and enjoy a clean house for a few days.

We are moving, insha'Allah, in August or so depending on some work we are having done to our new place... And I am making one entire room a family closet. Insha'Allah this will help me because no more lugging laundry to rooms, no more putting off folding and hanging because someone is asleep, and now I can get dressed even if DH is asleep in our room, yeah! Now dedicating an entire room as a closet may seem extreme... But keep in mind that there will be 6 of us, insha'Allah. That's a lot of clothes. And everyone has a dresser, so that's eating lots of space from the bedrooms. Not to mention DH's dresser in the living room since he needs to get his clothes at hours when the rest of us are asleep. As much as I hate moving, I am looking forward to the things we are doing in the new place. I can't wait to have two kids rooms and an office for DH... And the closet thing... That is assuming all those things actually work out like I planned!LOL I just hope that once we move I can get things in order and finally convince DH to go though his papers... It should've been done years ago!LOL

Another vaccine???

Cervical Cancer Vaccine Article

Now to be fair, I am a little weary of vaccines in general. And I am no virologist. But, read a book or two on the subject and I'm sure you will be leery too. Not to say that I don't vaccinate my children at all... I have chosen to do so with certain restrictions and some of my own input into the age at which they receive them etc.

Anyway, this whole cervical cancer vaccine as me a little worried. Why are we vaccinating against something tat the immune system fights off an estimated 90% of the time? And, if you are adding the numbers... It only fights 4 of the almost 80 known strains of HPV. And two of those don't cause cancer, they cause genital warts (the ones that don't cause visible damage are the bad boys). So, of the 3-4 thousand women in the US who get cervical cancer each year about 70% of them have one of the two strains in the vaccine. And the vaccine is about 97% effective... So, not some statistics person may be able to correct me here... But doesn't that mean we want to vaccinate all young women (they are shooting to do ages 12-14) to prevent about 2,037-2,716 cases per year assuming the vaccine is really that effective in reality? Sorry kids... I am not buying it. Also, what if women just assume that since they are vaccinated they can forget about pap smears? Not to mention the whole tone of "Well we all know you can't trust young girls so let's vaccinate them all."

Why are we so flippant about what we are injecting into our bodies? What about building a healthy immune system? What about the side effects of vaccines? When are the pharmaceutical companies in this country going to stop convincing us we nee to fill ourselves with their chemicals? Take a look at all the things we "need" now. How many times have you seen a commercial for some medication to treat something which used to be considered something you just dealt with as you aged of encountered it in your life for whatever reason?

I just cringe every time I pick up a parenting magazine with an ad for these new super combined vaccines (they have been indicated in many vaccine reactions). Yes, shoot your poor little infant's developing immune system with the maximum number of viruses and chemicals all at the same time! Great idea! Humph.

I'm not saying vaccines have no place or use in our lives. I think some of them are worth the risk... But I wish the government would just step off already. If you can convince parents of the necessity and the safety and they comply, great. But making chicken pox mandatory... Please. It seems like now that we are targeting just any illness we can... And I wonder what kind of things we are unleashing from Pandora's box by doing that.

Family Fridays

We have instituted a new practice in our house... Fun Fridays. Every Friday we go out somewhere or do something fun as a family. Now the one thing that I was noticing today is that it is hard to find things to do here in Laramie. DH is working today, so we have to do something without him... Which basically cuts out anything in FT Collins. Now I am thinking where will I go just me and the kids tonight? The movies. Or, the movies.

The thing is none of the pizza places have games here (and why go then when DS can't eat the pizza in the first place?)... The bowling alley has too much drinking for me to want to be the only woman in hijab on a Fri night... The skating rink is a little too disco at that time... And there simply are no other options here in town. So, do I just go to the movies cough up my $22 and forget it???

Insha'Allah, next week we will have a little theme party at our house. We could rent a movie and try to do dinner and some games with the same theme... Of course I would like to say I will save $ by doing this, but I always go overboard with these things and end up spending just as much at the dollar store for decorations and stuff as I would for the movie!LOL

OK, now that I am done complaining about Laramie... Let me say what I wanted to say in the first place!LOL I think this family night is a great idea. I wanted to do it for so long, and was finally encouraged when DH suggested that we should try to make Fridays special so the kids would grow up with a good feeling about Fridays and associate it with family time and enjoyment. I think it is well worth it! The only change I would make is if we lived in a larger Muslim community I would like to include other Muslim families in our plans. I think that would make it more fun for everyone involved.

Girls and Modesty

Teaching DD modesty is important to me. I don't think you can just spring it on them when they are 12yo and expect them to understand. My goal is to slowly keep building the idea and the habits of dress so that once she is old enough to wear hijab all she will have to add is the scarf. Sooooo, here we are again this year with shorts being on the forefront of every clothing conversation we have... And to add to the trouble you can't just go shopping and let her choose things from the racks because 99.9% is not appropriate! It's like taking gluten free DS to a bakery... I just try to avoid it.

The funny thing is boys have more options in the modest dress arena than girls!
I can find things for the boys no trouble. Heck, if I wanted them to follow the no legs and no tight things guidelines that I have Layla following I would have no problem at all. I get all the bermudas and loose cotton button down shirts I need, usually on sale!LOL

When did this hoochie mama thing reach clear down into the smaller sizes? And when did it become so pervasive? I ask it this year, and I am sure again next year too. Looks like I will be trekking to the Hanna Anderson outlet and also making some things for her again this year. Alhamdulilah I have some great sewing stuff!

Must get ready....

Must get ready for new baby. Must get house in order. Must get baby stuff cleaned. Must make sure I have any newborn stuff left at all. UGH!!!!!!!!!

OK, all I really need is the sling and the Moses basket along with the new diapers and covers... Plus a few sack gowns... But I just don't feel ready. Last night I had a dream that my labor stalled because I kept thinking off all the things I needed to do before I gave birth. Crazy? No way. I think mental readiness plays a big part in birth.

So, I will be breaking into the storage locker this afternoon (they accidentally put an extra lock on it and want me to go get the key from them to get it off, but I will probably just cut it) and retrieving the Moses basket and any and all boxes that say newborn. But, like I say I think I gave it all away or sold it at the store... As Yousuf and Layla grew out of things I just got rid of them... And I gave away all the girl things once I had a boy... Well, what would I want with newborn stuff that had seen three kids and 6 years by now anyway? Not to mention half of it was very very second hand in the first place.

Now the question is do I save stuff for the new baby starting now? What I mean is it worth saving considering that it will be 4-6 years before he/she grows into what the older sibling grew out of? Any experience with this? I save from Aly to Yousuf, but that is only like a year. Hmmmm.

OK, enough boring baby stuff for now. I feel like the countdown has begun though... You know that stage where getting ready for the birth occupies your entire brain? Yeah, I'm there.

One of the things I love about Islam...

I was just thinking today that I never really get time to enjoy prayer... There is frequently something else I am thinking of like what I need to do now, the food I left on the stove, the work I have to do at the store... Not to mention three kids climbing on me all the time. Getting out the prayer rug is like a call to them from wherever they are to stop what they are doing and run to me.

But, since my DH started working a second job I have rediscovered the peace of salat. After the kids are in bed, while DH is still at work, I have a peaceful prayer time to really enjoy. No rush, no other people around... I can just pray. Now fajar is like this for some, but ever since I converted just waking up and making wudu is about it for me... So, to have a peaceful time at the end of the day is a real blessing.

Many people would view Islam's prayers as restrictive, rigid and formalized. I think nothing could be further from the truth. Like children need structure to really bloom I think we need structure in our spiritual lives as well. I'm not waiting for a revival, at the most unexpected moment one of the daily prayers can lead me to a feeling of inner peace and revive my iman. So, I guess I just wanted to share how I feel about salat... How I had forgotten how much I love it.

The terrible very bad horrible no good day

Have you ever noticed how people close to you can really cut you to the quick when they are mad? Yeah. DH laid into me with some nasty comments about my lack of capitalistic drive in regards to the store... And now I put a nice dent in the trunk of the van backing out of a parking space. UGH. He's really going to love to hear about that especially considering the theme of the day is "UmmLayla doesn't appreciate money".

Gluten Free Me

UmmLayla here reporting from my first week of gluten free kitchen duty.

Not as bad as I thought. I got a few books, and I tried to stay focused on things that just are gluten free by default. At least I hope... I mean no one is injecting fruit or meat with modified food starch, right? But I have had a few surprises while reading labels so I will never assume again. Home cooking will be the easy part... And gluten free baking while not perfect (especially the bread) is passable. I have burnt out two mixers finding this out. DH doesn't even know half the time that the cookies and whatnot are gluten free. And the sauces and soups, no one would know on those. I even managed gluten free mac and cheese with chicken nuggets one night. YEAH!

On other fronts I have become obsessed with knitting wool diaper covers for the new baby. The first one I finished I did a double take and checked my gauge like 15 times, then finally checked the finished measurements because it just looked soooo small! But yeah, newborns are small!LOL So I made peace and kept knitting. Now the rest of this won't make sense unless you are a diaper hound like me, but please bear with me. My one frustration is all my prefolds (which is what I use at that age) have gone to the rag pile and I need new ones. I want hemp, but it seems that the only way to use hemp under my wool covers is to pin it. Snappies (which are such a cool thing) don't work on hemp... And I am not investing in diaper covers with velcro again, I have had to buy new ones twice already because the velcro gives out... Besides my heart is set on wool and hemp now!LOL Maybe I'll have to bite the bullet and buy a few bummies whisper wraps or something. Well, I'm sure I'll figure it all out before the baby comes, insha'Allah.

Finally, I am heading into the part of the pregnancy where I want to sleep like 12 hours a night and I only manage maybe three in one continuous stretch. I am normally a very heavy sleeper. A dog once chased our cat into our house and past my bedroom door with my DH in pursuit and I slept through it. But not during the last weeks of a pregnancy, no. Grrr. It goes like this. DH snores, so I go to the couch. Oxygen machine (DH has breathing issues at night) by couch keeps me awake, or I can't stretch out enough to get comfortable. Go to recliner, decide now that I am in the family room I might as well watch TV. Dose for small stretches making Shows seem bizarre and unfollowable, not to mention waking up in front of movies I never intended to watch (yeah, late night cable). Then, DH wakes up for work, I talk with him for about an hour, and when he leaves I go to bed... Now I toss and turn and try to get a position that doesn't get the reflux going until 3-4 am. Then I sleep until the alarm goes at about 6:30. UGH. Now I know why I never feel sleep deprived when a new baby comes. All I have to do is nurse them and doze back off. And anything is better than this!LOL

Not so grand opening:P

Well, the store opened again today to a big snowy messy afternoon that kept most people inside for the day... But Alhamdulilah, I am happy to be up and running again. I feel like this opening the store thing is off my back. Not that we are done with everything, but we are really close and whatever is left is extras.

I actually had time to sit down and read Mothering this afternoon... And it had a great article on the benefits of BFing premature infants. I really liked it, and some of the things were really amazing. Mothers actually regulate the temperature of their infants when they are carrying them skin to skin in kangaroo care (a name developed for the concept of holding premature infants skin to skin between the breasts). So much so that if a mother is carrying two infants the breasts can adjust to two different temperatures. Let me say that again, two different temperatures at the SAME TIME. Subhan'Allah. Yeah, there is a reason I advocate this stuff, because it is AMAZING. Just don't mess with the system He created, listen to it, intervene if it's crying for help... But just do what comes naturally. Wow.

On the gluten free front we are getting into the swing of things... There have been the odd eating Baba's left over tea crackers kinda stuff, but mostly very good. It is a challenge with a kid though. I can't really tell everyone around him not to eat things with gluten so he won't ask for a bite... Well, I could but they wouldn't do it!LOL I just keep praying that this will go smoothly for him and he will start to get used to gluten free as a normal thing. Right now, there is lots of trading one thing for its gluten free version going on... I hope he can move more towards just eating things that are gluten free as we go. And I hope DH can convince himself that DS won't be scarred for life by not eating bread and pastries. Speaking of food, I had better get dinner going... Stuffed bell peppers and tomatoes anyone?

Should've known...

Well, after a bout with some intestinal upset I hauled my middle child off to the doctor to be tested for Celiacs (gluten intolerance) with my DH objecting the whole way. DH's logic is that if you have an illness like this do you want to know? He thinks not. He doesn't want to know his son shouldn't be eating bread and baked goods... He would rather let him live his childhood without having to avoid certain foods.

So, of course DS #1 has Celiacs. Now we have to decide what that means for our family and our eating habits. I would like to eliminate gluten. DH says just let him eat what he wants and when he is old enough let him decide to eliminate it. I guess I will be cringing whenever we eat out hoping that he will choose the chicken breast over mac and cheese... But in the home I will be trying to cook gluten free and hopefully DH will see that DS can eat the things he likes without gluten if we make them at home.

So, on those lines... Any good recipes for gluten free food that a typical kid would like? DS's favs which have gluten normally are mac and cheese, chicken nuggets and cinnamon rolls. Anyone?

It's been too long!

I looked this morning and realised I haven't posted in forever. Well, things have been crazy here to say the least. We have moved the store to a new location and are gearing up to re-open on the 22nd. The old landlord from the previous storefront is being a pain in the neck and wants me to pay for the entire month of April even though I was out on the 5th. Oh yeah, and I actually have to tackle my forgotten house (which is in shambles) today so when the window installers come to finally fix our dining room window I don't have to feel like I might die of embarrassment from the mess.

But, the up shot is I feel fine other than being tired and having some braxton hicks contractions now and then. I know I have pushed it on some days, but relative to my other pregnancies I have been a good girl this time. For example, no heavy lifting since I hired a moving company. I have moved literally during every pregnancy and this is the first time we have hired a company to do it. I will never move my own house again, insha'Allah.

We finally finished fixing our rental from the tenant from *&%^ yesterday. So, we have done bathroom plumbing and now a gas leak, insha'Allah we are done. The real thing I keep asking is WHY? I mean we are landlords and all, and we did tell her to move out when she stopped paying the rent... But isn't that pretty standard? Grrrr.

Anyway, I have been watching these past two months like some sort of slow motion train wreck... And I will just be glad when things are back to normal. Or whatever you would call the average state of affairs here!LOL

Doing Less...(rant)

I would give anything at this point to have less to do every day. I would love to be able to just stay home with no regard for the clock. I am going crazy with the things I have to do outside the house, and what is every single person in my life saying???? Maybe you should consider putting the kids back in school. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

This makes me angry on so many levels. First, it means they don't understand my priorities at all. Second it means they view my work with the kids as less important than my errands, the store, helping with DH's business and having a clean house. Third it means that they feel I am not contributing unless there is some monetary gain from what I am doing.

I had a good cry about it this morning when DH told me I should open the daycare we have been talking about and I told him I didn't want any more things to do in my life... And that the only way that would work is if I could hire out everything (which I don't think is feasible). What part of three kids and another on the way so even leaving the house at all is stressful doesn't he understand????? And yet somehow DH thinks if only I woke up earlier there would be enough time in the day to do all these things. Honey, if I woke up earlier I might have time to actually eat and maybe even consider my personal appearance... But not open another business when I am pressed to get everything I have to do with the store done.

Is there a way I can just relax a little without being berated for not contributing? I'm tired, exhausted and over-emotional. Would it be fair to tell people to lay off for awhile? Would they listen? To tell you the truth I am seriously considering a teaching job just to shut everyone up, and the insurance would be a real plus too. Maybe if the kids were all able to go to whatever school I worked at I would just do it... But with the new baby I can't even consider that. Maybe I'll just pack up the kids and go to The Farm for the rest of this pregnancy.

Birth plans revisited

So, since my last posts about the plans for this birth I have had a health concern arise... Namely an abnormal pap followed by finding abnormal lesions that will have to be monitored and dealt with after this birth. Because of this all my care has been through a nurse midwife... But I really like her, and she understands where I am coming from and supports me in refusing things I don't want to have done. DH has finally relaxed about it, but I know the freaking out will commence once I get checked and biopsy post-partum.

However, none of this changes my birth itself. There are no nicu's here in Wyoming, so we had an ultrasound to check the baby for any conditions that would necessitate a nicu after birth. Alhamdulilah, things look fine... So, my plan right now is to quietly plan to birth at home unassisted. DH is not in on this plan, and I have mixed feelings about that since I believe in honesty in marriage... But, I really think I can do it, and as far as anyone knows it could just happen spontaneously anyway. I figure if it's going that smoothly I won't interrupt it. Also I have this vivid memory of laboring alone with my DD and I really think that is more my style. DH knows I won't even say I'm in labor until the last minute anyway, so I don't think he wouldn't be surprised if I waited a little too long. So, I am getting the standard measuring and weigh in type care... Monitoring my thyroid and just praying that I am in good health and the baby is too. I have a good feeling about it, the only caution I have been given is that I will probably be quicker to go to the hospital at the first sign of anything unusual than I would be if I had an attendant. Which might very well be true. But I have made dua about this, tried to make the best choice for the whole family, and this is what keeps coming to me. I have these dreams of a peaceful night birth, which I am praying is guidance about the whole thing.

Insha'Allah things will go smoothly. Please keep me in your dua! I will try to post more about things now that I am in the final trimester... I'm getting excited about the whole thing really. Now if only I could get motivated to get the house in order while I still have time!LOL

Expectations in marriage...

Over time, women in the US have managed to set things right for themselves where men are concerned. They have very well established that they are no slaves and they are no maids and if husbands want a good clean house and well cooked meals then these men would simply have to put on the "kiss the cook " apron and ditch in.....(part removed here)... So how come there are the married couples in bliss in the middle east? Very simple. Women have used every part of their wit and intelligence to get what they want from their husbands. They know for example that if they cook and clean and sweat all day in the kitchen, then that is sending hubby a message: I respect you.

This comment on another blog got me thinking about the idea of what spouses expect in marriage and how that is influenced by culture and upbringing. Now, let me be clear that there are some differences in the cultures that get lumped into the "middle eastern" label... But for the purposes of this discussion I will be lumping but understand my personal experience is mostly from a city Egyptian's view.

What I would say is the hardest thing about being married to my DH is our different views on areas of responsibility. And this is a recurring theme in Middle Eastern/American marriages pretty often (from my perspective). My DH will be totally up in arms that I didn't do something and I will feel like it wasn't my job in the first place. If there is a culture clash for us that is it. Masha'Allah we get through it but I think both of us have our deep-seeded beliefs about what we should and shouldn't have to do in the family.

For most Middle Eastern men it seems that responsibility ends at the office exit door. They bring the money the family needs (and masha'Allah will do it no matter what) and then they are DONE. Now what happens when such a husband comes home to a mediocre dinner and a messy house (even if the wife also works) he flips. Why? Because the entire day has been spent fulfilling his obligations to the family and the wife hasn't met hers in his view. Is this bad? Does this mean that these men are self centered, chauvinistic, bullish, lazy or some combination of the above? No. That is the culture they are from, and that is most likely how they were raised.

Now of course the difference is that in most Middle Eastern countries the wife can just pay to have the things that she struggles with done, where as in the US that is not an option unless you are really well off. And how well off would you have to be to afford a woman to come cook with you every weekend and whenever you have an invitation? Or someone to deep clean the house weekly, or bi-weekly? Not to mention all the other things that an American maid will not do and an Egyptian maid will. My SIL, for example, has a maid come every season change to re-organize the family closets and store all the out of season clothes and things the kids have grown out of. So, the other factor for Middle Eastern men seems to be if he is doing OK, why not hire out some of the work?

Now, my DH taught me to cook Egyptian food, and could give laundry tips to the most seasoned wife... But he never does either of the above; if he does he leaves the clothes on the couch to be folded and the kitchen full of dishes and cooking debris. Am I mad, am I annoyed, do I wish he would help more? Yeah. But I don't think he is being lazy or mean... He just isn't convinced that I can't manage it all without his help.

So I guess what I am saying is the next time a culture clash occurs in your mixed marriage ask yourself if you even agree on the basics of who does what in the house... Chances are you don't!LOL Hmmm, I'll try to remember that the next time my DH asks me why the lawn hasn't been mowed in ages...

Polygyny, not Polygamy...

I watched the show Big Love on HBO this weekend, it was pretty good. It is about a family with three wives, and several kids. The women each have their own house and the husband stays one night with each in little three day cycles. I was thinking they might not really be living in the Islamic type of polygyny... But for the most part they are. With the separate houses and dividing the money, also the time... The husband even tries to deal fairly with regards to the three when one asks him in private if he misses her the most. He simply says, "Officially, I miss you all the same."

So, I have asked myself the question would I about polygyny soooo many times. Actually I annoy my husband talking about it because he feels I would hate it (he once tricked me into thinking he was marrying again and I cried) but I am working through the idea in my mind...

Seriously, I could imagine that if circumstances allowed (like he was healthy and secure in his job) I would be telling DH to look for a second wife. Why??? Hmmmm, that is a harder question to answer. It has something to do with challenging myself to put my money where my mouth is (I do believe polygyny can be a good thing, and do believe it is a man's right). Also, I guess I see it as jihad, a way to put my trust in Allah's law, and I see it as a way to show I really do love my sisters in Islam... Or maybe I'm just plain crazy!lol

I guess I see where sharing would be hard, impossible. But I think of men who have time and money and how they always seem to have mistresses or if they are brothers secret second wives... And I would rather have it out there in the open. I don't want my DH committing haram, and I certainly wouldn't want him to go behind my back to marry again. I would hope he could face me with it and we could exist as a family. And you never know, because we all know the hadith right? The one about maybe you dislike something that has great good in it? Something to think about:)

Home Again!

Well, our trip was much longer than expected... But, Alhamdulilah, we are home again now. We had to go to Denver a day after we got back though, since I had scheduled things thinking I would been Laramie a week earlier! I am up to my neck in things to do... Laundry, unpacking, cleaning up after the past few days of being home with no energy. I just keep telling myself one big task a day. Yesterday was the van, cleaning and unloading the last few things... And also paying all the first of the month stuff and catching up on paperwork for DH's business.

As far as the trip... I got us into this city pass thing where you buy a pack of tickets that will go to the major parks and attractions at a discount. 3 days Disney, 1 day Universal Studios, 1 day Sea World & 1 day Wild Animal Park... If you are really going to do all those attractions it saves you some money. But, for me it meant I had to go to those places since I already paid. Yikes... Too many attractions for my kids even in the 2 weeks we had to go. I think I would've done 1 day Disney and Sea World and maybe the Wild Animal Park. I have no love of being in lines with a 3 kids who might have a meltdown because they are hungry, tired, have to pee, or any other number of things. Really, the best part was the beach and just relaxing at the time share.

I have so many things I want to blog about that I thought of while on vacation... I just hope to get to them before pregnancy brain erases any trace of them!LOL