Blog Carnival post on White Privilege... Very Late.

This blog carnival is one that I promised myself I would write for... Of course I am late so I hope the sister who is organising will accept my apology and my entry. It's a good topic, and being lily-white Muslimah I have thoughts on it!LOL


Craving the Spotlight

As a White Muslim you are a BIG DEAL. You are a superstar at Muslim gatherings. And unless you are painfully shy you will eventually start to love it, NEED it. No, really. Everyone will ask you how you converted and tell you how wonderful you are. You learn masha'Allah and think maybe it means something like "Look, there goes the only American smart enough to convert to Islam." The entire community is ready to marry you off if you happen to be single.

Then the reality of your new life starts to set in. When you peel back the thin veneer of this "welcome" you will find that you are an outsider. You will see all too clearly that the praise only keeps coming as long as you aren't challenging anyone. The minute you dare to contradict you will find out that born Muslims automatically assume you to be uneducated in matters of religion. And where a lesson or hint may be appreciated in the first months after you convert... The assumptions start to sting once you have been Muslim for a few years. They come from unexpected places. Even your spouse may pull the born Muslim card on you. So we are knocked off the pedestal the community put us on swiftly and unceremoniously. And we fall hard.

Here we were thinking that we were trading one community for another. We tolerated the looks that the old ladies at the grocery shot us because we knew the Muslims understood us. The Muslims were proud of us. The Muslims thought we were smart. Well, maybe they did anyway. It's an unpleasant surprise to find out that everyone still thinks of you as a child even when you have been Muslim for years. There is also the matter of feeling like you have to fight the culture that people THINK is Islam all the time. And usually both these things are in play when you feel like the community just doesn't get you. The attention you learned to love, turns sour overnight. You realise that no one ever seeks more from you than your conversion story and you start to get tired of telling it.

I have left more gatherings with tears than I care to remember. I NEVER feel like I fit in. The ideals of Islam and the truth about the Muslims of today are just so far apart. I don't think people dislike me, but I do think they are full of negative assumptions about me. I challenge these people who think they know so much to ask themselves how much direct knowledge from learned people do they have? You can't just assume that because you have been following your cultures "Muslim" version of life for years you know all there is to know about the religion. Worse yet, you might be surprised at how much of what you think you know has NOTHING to do with Islam.

So, here we white converts are in between a cultural rock and a religious hard place. We aren't American anymore because once you out yourself as Muslim by dress, actions or talk you don't really fit in with the other people from your cultural background anymore. At the same time, we will never be Egyptian, Arab, Pakistani, whatever... So we will never fit into the groups that the Muslim community divides itself into either. By choosing Islam we have chosen life as an outsider.

So, yes... We have the admiration of the Muslim community. People will offer us jobs and spouses thinking we are just so great and wonderful. But they will never really accept us. So maybe we are privileged... And maybe not. I guess that depends on how you define it.

This is where I grew up. So if you wonder why I just feel like a square peg in a round hole here in Wyoming... It's a far cry from Cairo, but I'm not going to claim that I understand for a second why my husband has adapted better than me!LOL

Children's Literature

Children's books are a great love of mine. And since Muslim Hippie did a post on her favorites, I thought I would share mine.

First, and foremost...


I also love...


And...


Of course you can't talk children's books without mentioning...


And a new favorite around our house...


And the whole series that started with...


And I hope all children get to read a little of his work...


And I have enjoyed reading his work to my kids...


And even adults can laugh at...


Of course I could go on and on... I love books, and I love children's books. Just wanted to share, maybe you would all share yours too!!! Let me know if you do.

Calgon, take me away...

There are things that I miss about being single. Being able to take a bath undisturbed is DEFINATLY one of them. And I'm going to confess that since becoming Muslim I miss having a glass of wine while in said bath. What I wouldn't do for the bath pictured above and a nice glass of white wine. Now, don't go all crazy on me... I don't drink, and I know it's forbidden... But I do see the temptation of a three margarita play date every now and then!LOL Ohhhh, don't listen to me... I've had a long day already and it's only noon. :P

Summer homeschooling challenge #1

I am going to do a summer program at home for the kids this year. I have been planning it and the first hurdle is: Taking the above pictured mess (now a storage room) and making it into a classroom. It's going to be nice, insha'Allah... And that room needs to be cleared out anyway... But it's also going to be a pain in the butt!LOL My plan is to have school desks and a computer. I will also set up book shelves. Right now I am working on that room and searching for a math curriculum. I am also compiling a summer reading list and digging out the HSing books that have been in storage since we moved. I have enrolled in a few activities and need to print some wall calendars to start a master schedule. I'm excited, and I want to start on June 8th so I have some serious work to do.

I'm still here!!!

I haven't updated in awhile, so I will share with you a few things that I have been meaning to posts about.

I am totally dreaming of going to this event from Zaytuna Institute. **big sigh** Anyone want to watch the kids for a week and loan me $1,600??? OK OK!!! Don't get mad, I was just asking!LOL

My very sweet SIL from Egypt saved my behind from wardrobe hell by bringing me several wonderful summer shirts/ ensembles from Egypt. Some were ready right away, and a couple need hemming/alterations. Anyway, I have a great head start on my summer clothing. Alhamdulilah.

I am going tomorrow afternoon to get a massage for the first time ever in my life. I have migraine headaches and in the interest of saving my liver from my overuse of migraine meds I am trying to find alternative ways to deal with my headaches. I will probably go to a chiropractor as well when I find one I like here in town. I'm hoping that the idea of having a strange person all up in my space won't undo any relaxing effect said massage might have.

I got a new kitchen tool the other day, an onion dicer (I hate chopping onions)... And the clutz that I am I had it on the counter and was leaning forward over it trying to push the onion through the chopper, when it slipped and the end I was pushing on went down and the front went up launching the stupid thing into my forehead. So no, that's not a prayer mark... That's a BRUISE because I am too dippy to use a simple kitchen tool safely. Yeah, it's true.

I got some great fabric on sale in Denver and I am planning to make myself some clothes. I also got a very groovy canvas tent pattern that I am going to make up for my kids and the daycare, insha'Allah. I think it will be very cool, I will post pics, insha'Allah.

I am looking into self-publishing a book that I mentioned some time ago... A kinda practical how to deal book for female converts, the girlfriends guide to Islam is the working title. I will be looking for other converts to talk about their experiences, so leave me your e-mail if you are interested. I AM struggling with the content a little because I was thinking about having some scholars answer questions, and even if I can find someone to do that... I think I am going way outta my league by having too much specific religious content. I want it to be a real life thing, not a collection of fiqh for women; I'm not qualified for that obviously.

Other than that... The house is still a mess because we went to Denver for a week, but I have high hopes for getting it done this weekend. And I need to take on the project of making curtains for the living room, but I know that I will do something fun like the tent instead... I'm not the most practical mom after all.

This week I need to...

I have so many things to do this week, and I am determined to get them done... But I always manage to slack off. I made dua this morning for help with all the things I have to do... I need it. So, here it is:

-Get the kids ready for their Goha presentations. DS is doing a story about tricking 2 thieves and he will dress as Goha and tell it in first person. Layla is doing the story above about Goha teaching his son a lesson while walking with a donkey through town. She will do a storyboard to go along with it. So, i need to complete the display of the story board and make DS's jilbab.

-Get my bathroom ready to try and have someone come in and put tile on our peeling plaster shower wall.

-Get my house in order and picked up so I can bring someone to help clean before my SIL comes from Egypt maybe as soon as this weekend (not that I can afford that, but I will be SOOOOO embarrassed if I don't have it clean at least the living room carpet).

-Do the piles of laundry in the upstairs hallway.

-Get some kind of sleeping arrangement for my SIL figured out, and hopefully figure out some solutions for if SIL #2 comes with.

-Bake cupcakes for the sale on Friday.

-Try not to have a nervous breakdown about doing all of the above!!!

I HATE shopping!!!

I used to LOVE shopping. No, really. Especially for shoes. I was known for my unique shoes. I had my "utility" pair of birks, but everything else was an original. I think I did some serious damage to my feet shoving them into platforms. And I had a thing for tall boots with short skirts. I'm short you see, and long dresses and loose clothes will inevitably leave me looking frumpy and grandma-ish. So along with the normal changes that go with becoming an actual adult and having to dress like one, I am also still struggling with how to rock the modesty thing. You see once I was stripped of my platforms and my baby-doll dresses, my retro chic thrift-store finds, I was left with very little in my wardrobe. I had a total of maybe 2 pairs of drawstring pants, 1 skirt and 2 shirts that I could wear when I converted. And I solved the problem with a few jilbabs. They were the overcoat style and I liked them for teaching, they looked professional. Then I moved to Wyoming and married a man who thinks jilbabs are for the porter's (AKA doorman's) wife. And the wardrobe thing has been a problem ever since.

So I guess it's no surprise that I HATE shopping. Of course when I have to take the kids it's a nightmare. Any mom with more than one will have that problem. But even when I go on my own I find myself staring blankly at rack after rack and finding nothing. Then you add into it that everything I like DH will hate and everything he suggests I will hate... It just sucks the joy right out of the experience!!!

I guess all hijabis here in the states suffer from this to some degree, but I am getting down to a bare closet here and I will have to face my shopping demons soon. I just don't know where I am supposed to shop, or even what I am looking for. Every time I buy something I am compromising, and nothing fits me correctly. You see, I am short... No, shorter than that. 5 feet in shoes short. So, everything is long through the arms and the waist is in the wrong place. So, I have trouble finding things that don't look goofy because the "waist" is cinching the chunky part of my belly. And though I consider the top of my knuckles the correct length for a long sleeve (I used to loop my thumbs through before it was cool and they made juniors Shirts that way) when the shoulders slump and the arms are 2-3 inches over the end of my hand, it's too much.

So here I am, the one bright spot in my shopping trips is Sephoria (cosmetics). And I end up buying clothes that don't fit and don't reflect my personality. I feel like such a frump. I just wish I could find even one outfit that made me feel great. Oh, and if I could find a store that consistently carried even something as basic as loose shirts that actually cover my behind... That would just be icing.

So:P on shopping. Maybe someday I will find a way to enjoy it again but for now it's a chore.

getting to know your local ER

There isn't a mom out there who hasn't taken their child to the ER at least once. If you have four you just multiply that... So I know the local ER pretty well, and they know me. I am sitting there right now because it looks like DS#2 has chicken-pox. Lovely right? See, I knew I shouldn't have let the public health nurse guilt me into the vaccine!LOL

But what I really want to say is a little alhamdulilah.

Alhamdulilah I live in a place where the state makes sure kids can afford to go to the ER even if their parents don't have a job with insurance.

Alhamdulilah I am here for something simple and totally treatable.

Alhamdulilah for how long it has been since DH was the one I was here with (masha'allah).

Alhamdulilah I live in a time and place where a minor childhood illness is not life threatening.

Anyway, alhamdulilah.

Cupcakes for a bake sale...

The kids are having a bake sale at school... They are on a university campus so they will be selling them in the student union during lunch. I have 2 kids in 2/3 which is the group doing the sale so today was my first day and my next one is on a few weeks away. I made 2 dozen lemonade cupcakes (basically replace half the liquid in a white cake with frozen lemonade concentrate and add a couple drops of yellow to the batter). And I think the next ones will be spiced chai... Don't you just love cupcakes?

I am also working on the kid's presentations on folktales. I am doing Goha, so I need two different stories (one per kid). I know I'm doing the one about the nail... Do any of you know another good one? I have some books coming from Amazon, but any thoughts would help!

Toys for boys...

It's hard to find things to make for the boys, but I got a great book at Barnes and Noble called Creepy Cute Crochet and I have been having some fun with it. This is a knight (maybe 5 inches tall so it works up QUICK) I did for my oldest son since he seems to be into knights right now for some reason. Next I'm doing a cute little monkey with a fez to hang in the car and a ninja for DS #2.

call me book dork...

You know you are a bibliophile when you spend your free day out of town book shopping. And when you find yourself giddy when faced with a warehouse of Islamic books. And when you total up your spending on said books and realize you have really passed your 100$ limit. And then you go to Barnes and Noble and spend even more...

Not that I'm talking about me here **blushing** but like if that stuff happened that girl would definitely be a book dork... **grin**

Book suggestions???

I am trying to add a new habit to my life every 30 days... Do something useful every day for 30 minutes until I have a new habit. This month, study religion for 30 minutes every day. So, any books I should read??? Audiobooks, podcasts, internet videos are all especially welcome. Thoughts? What are your favorites? Of course something that requires thought, but not anything too dry. I know, I'm asking a lot when we are talking translations for the most part I know... And any tips on reading without freaking out over poor grammar and misused words obviously gleaned directly from the pages of an Arabic to English dictionary are always welcome!LOL

Being religious without being plastic...

Can it be done? I always have the feeling that I am one of those converts who just sounds plastic when they start talking deen. Have you ever noticed how silly it is when a person who doesn't really mean it is all, alhamdulilah, masha'Allah, and so on? It is very rare that I meet a person who can tell a story about God in their life without sounding like someone bearing witness to a tel-evangelist.

Have you ever wondered if seeming a little fake is just the nature of being a convert? Or maybe the nature of being religious in general... Maybe it's because along with the religion we try to adopt the culture. Or maybe I'm just over-critical. I try hard to be myself... Sometimes that is strict, sometimes I am pretty relaxed... And I think that I probably make some converts pretty uncomfortable with it sometimes. But I try to be upfront with my views.

It's one of the things I think we all have to work on in our lives if we want to progress as a religious group beyond practicing the deen within the context of a culture. I mean, if we are all just putting on the good Muslim mask doing what we think other Muslims expect us to do, saying what is widely accepted... How will we ever progress?

So I propose that we should all do what we believe. You have a cultural background that you can keep if it doesn't conflict with the religion, and that's OK. And if you are uneducated and not sure... Find an answer. Don't just become a convert doll saying the things you have heard when someone pulls your string. Own your answers. Own your deen. And hopefully you won't feel plastic at all, ever.

New doll

Here are some pictures of a doll I just finished. Insha'Allah it will go to meet its little girl soon;)

Conversations with my 2 year old

So lately I have been telling the older children to give the 2 year old some room when she gets into their things, bugs them, cries for something they have, whatever. I tell them, "She's just being a toddler, be patient with her." So yesterday I was in the kitchen and I heard the sound of small objects skittering across linoleum and I looked behind me to see the 2yo pouring a package of mini m&m's through the tube in the paper towel out onto the floor of the kitchen and watching them as they went everywhere in the kitchen and under all the appliances. I stood looking at her not knowing what to say, and she saw me. She finished the package and then looked up at me, "Is this being a toddler?". Well, I guess it is!LOL

Capturing the muse...

I don't know about how other creative types work, but I don't choose when I can muster up the full force of my creative mind on something. So, when I heard the title of a lecture series for educators here in WY was Teaching Creativity... It brought to mind the two major questions I have always had about creativity.

Is creativity innate, or can it be learned?

Can creativity be forced or directed?

Well, here's my answer as a performer, writer, and generally right-brained person. Creativity is innate, and you can't force or direct it (much to the chagrin of people like myself).

You know the chorus of that song by Sara Bareilles where the chorus says "I'm not gonna write you a love song 'cause you ask for it, 'cause you need one." For me it's like that. I don't choose what inspires me, and it isn't always logical. I can't set out to write (poems are the worst) about something because I want to write on a certain topic. Things either come to me or they don't. It was the hardest thing about being a live performer playing characters... It would sometimes take me a long time before I saw that character in my mind, before the whole thing came to me. And I still can't choose to write a poem, I can't sit down to do that before it comes to me spontaneously. I have often wondered how artists paint commissioned works. How do they draw inspiration to do something someone else is choosing for them? And writing for a deadline must be really hard. I think this must be where the myth of the muses comes from. People knew that things just came to you, and they wanted a reason that would explain why creativity couldn't just be turned on when you needed it.

What I do think we can do for our children is offer them a variety of creative arts so they can find their niche. Somewhere inside of us all there is some small seed of creativity, and I do think we can help our children to nurture that. I want my kids to try all sorts of mediums as they grow, maybe they will find something they love. But I disagree with the idea that I can teach them to "be creative". Do you see what I mean?

This is where you see that some people are crafty, and some are artistic. You can see it when you go to classes for arts and crafts. The person who has a very logical brain will produce a replica of the instruction sheet. The artistic person (if they dig the project) will somehow give it their own flair.

I wish we would just accept that you can't force someone to love and be inspired by anything. You can't teach someone to love reading novels. No matter how good they are technically at reading. You just can't, and what a crazy disorganised world it would be if we all just went around pursuing artistic endeavors. We NEED the diversity of logical and creative... So I hope they NEVER find a way to teach creativity, or logical thinking for that matter.

Go rent it NOW!!!

I will admit that as DH has accused me of in the past I like to rent things that CAIR hates... Or protests or whatever because I like to form my own ideas about the work. I'm a rebel like that. And the NAME of this movie was disliked by CAIR. They made the argument that it would normalize the insult and more people would feel free to say it. I don't agree with that argument. See, it doesn't matter how much you hear a racial slur... It's still a racial slur. Just pause and think... How many times would you have to say nigger before it would be acceptable vernacular? Yeah, no way. Anyway, I digress.

This movie has some strong sexual content. And some strong messages about the sexuality of young women... But just like the director's other film American Beauty (another must see) it really dissects and lays open for you such a tender time in the main character's life. And wow. I saw it last night and I am still thinking about it today. DH didn't watch it, but I have told him the whole thing!!! So, go watch and just think deep thoughts about it. I know I did.

And so you know, I think she could've been from any minority group and the film would have been the same basically. It just needed a conservative cultural backdrop... So don't think it's all anti-Arab or anything. It's not. It is about racism though... Among other things.

Answering tags.....

I got tagged twice for this one, and of course I want to say thank you to the moms who tagged me and the best way to do that is to post it!
Umm Nassim from Islamic Unit Studies and Mona from Mama Mona
Here are the rules of this tag:

1. Admit one thing you feel awful about (involving being a mom). Once you have written it down, you are no longer allowed to feel bad. Remember you are a good mom!

2. Remind yourself that you ARE a good mom, list 7 things you love about your kids, you love doing with your kids, or that your kids love about you.

3. Send this to 5 other moms of the year that deserve a reminder that they too are the best moms that they can be. Remember to send them a note letting them know you have selected them, and also add a link to your post that directs people back to the person who nominated you!

OK, so here are my answers...
1. I lack the patience I once had... And I don't get down on the floor/in the dirt/on the grass/wherever and play with my kids. Being a playful parent has always been important to me and somewhere along the line I lost touch with that.

2. I. I love that my kids will try almost anything.
II. I love playing in the bath with my 2 year old.
III. I love the way my youngest son keeps trying at something until he gets it.
IV. I love how well my oldest daughter draws, and how she sees things with an artist's eyes.
V. I love taking my kids to the movies.
VI. I love taking naps cuddled up with the baby.
VII. I love the way all of the kids smell fresh out of the bath. (don't we all!)

3. I tag... Well...
Ruqayyah from Bipolar Muslimah
Surviving
Mona from The Imam's Daughter
UmmYehiya from Goodnight Lamplight
Umm Ibrahim from Stranger in This Dunya

And also thanks to UmmHasan from The Muslim Clothing Store for the award ;)

Alhamdulilah (my washer is running again!!!)

So after being prompted by DH and the prospect of shelling out $150 for the pump on my washer, I searched the internet and found a no cost solution. It seems that these Whirlpool Duet HE washers have a filter under the front kick plate right before the pump that you can just turn (there's a little handle) and pull out. People on repair sites were saying that this could clog up and cause the same error as the pump being bad... So I popped off the kick plate (after moving Mt. Laundry from in front of the washer) and pulled it out. I found nasty gray rotting things clogging the filter to the point where they took the shape of the opening including, but not limited to... A baby sock, costume jewelry, popsicle sticks, ball pint pens, paperclips and slime. I dumped the stuff, cleaned the filter and popped it all back in. I am on my second load with no error... Which, insha'Allah, is a sign that I won't be hauling butt to the laundry-mat this week. Alhamdulilah.