Your days are numbered...

Well, the years are anyway. It seems that the condition that my husband has is not something that can be fixed and it is progressive. They hope that using oxygen all the time and a bi-pap at night will slow it down, but it looks like it will not be getting better. I don't think I have processed it yet, I just refuse to believe it. But it seems like maybe 10 more years is realistic. I don't know what to say... He wants to secure us financially, I just want him to get right with the deen. Please keep him in your dua. He's not that old kids... It would put him reaching his late 40's, which is just too young. I can only hope the docs are wrong.

Mama if that's movin' up then I'm movin' out...

Our house is in a state of disarray all the time... I'm sure this is not the first time that I have mentioned it, but last night DH said something that really stuck with me. The state of our house (eating in the living room in front of the TV was the specific topic) is affecting the kids and their manners/behavior. Yes it is. We never have a family dinner at the table because the table is covered with paperwork that I have been told don't touch. And yet somehow this is my fault because if I was perfect in all other areas and the rest of the house was in order he would fix his papers and clothes (which reside in my living room). Last night he was saying it is bad, and I have to do something about it. I agree, and I am sad to even walk into my house lately... I could be doing more for sure, I just can't bring myself to do it. But I told him today my first project was the dining room and the study (moving the dining room to the study after I clean it out) his response was don't get cute and touch my stuff. Which is it????

I am thinking that until we can get the mess under control separate houses is the only solution. I am moving in that direction. I know it has its downfalls, but I can't take living like this anymore. I told him last night... His question was until what happens? Well, maybe until the working nights thing is done, I don't know. I am tired of living in a house where I can't clean up half because it's off limits and I cant get into other rooms because he is sleeping... And the whole thing is making a crazy environment for my kids. I don't even know where it is headed right now, I just need some peace. My main problem with this is our rental (which is waiting to be sold) has so many problems. It only has two rooms, the location is freezing cold and too far out of town, it needs work, the flooring needs replaced... I just don't know.

I am waiting on it anyway, because DH is being admitted to the hospital next week for further testing and treatment for what is now being called Pulmonary Hypertension. If we are lucky it is not his heart. Make dua for him. I am in a weird place right now... I have always said that even sick people need to maintain some degree of civility, and he is not. It is hard to feel bad for him when he is after me all the time. Am I supposed to put up and shut up? I have gone our entire marriage without overt demands (although DH would say I manipulate to get my way)... Dare I start making them now?

I can't talk to him anymore, I only make him mad and give him fodder for future arguments. Could this be a phase our marriage will grow out of? Insha'Allah. I love my husband... But I don't like this side of him that has taken over his entire personality at this point. Allah help me.

Convert's Book/ HELP!!!

I am not the greatest writer I know, but I want to throw something that I have been working on for a long time out there to you. And somehow in all my chaos this is giving me a purpose, hope...

When I first converted I read a book called Daughters Of Another Path. It was great to be able to relate to the women whose stories were being told, but it was from a perspective outside the inner circle if you will (a mom writing about her daughter's conversion). I am looking for help in the form of sisters willing to write about their experiences, give advice to new converts, and maybe fill out a canned questionnaire that I am using to get some general info. My dream is to have a book for new Muslims, and probably just converts in general that can help through the transition(for lack of a better word) into Islam. There are 100's of how to pray, how to make wudu, these are the five pillars, don't do this or that books out there... But we lack a book that speaks truly to the largest section of the growth in the Muslim population... Western women. Do you see where I'm going with this? A kinda from the hip book with REAL advice and information, stories to relate to. Which brings me to another question... Would you buy such a book?

I also want to ask people who have had something published how they went about it. I think, insha'Allah, there is a market/need for this book... I just don't know how you ever get someone to publish you. Do I start with just ideas and samples, or do I wait until the whole book is done? My thing is, I want to have someone say they will publish so I can take care of all the legal things associated with having people contribute as the publisher wants... I would hate to have someone submit something that would not get added because I forgot to get all the pertinent info from them and I couldn't find them later.

The more I really commit to working on this, the more it is just kinda flowing... And I think if you choose to write about your conversion and your advice to new Muslims, you will find the same. I would have loved to find such a book when I first converted. Sisters and brothers, give a girl a helping hand here... Anything will help. Spread the word that I am looking for stories;)

Jazak'Allah Khair.

Write a letter...

I have never put to paper my thoughts about something in a letter to the editor before... But a story that I have seen repeated 100x's in various forms graced the cover of a Wyoming paper this week. Something in the shade of "State Spending on Better Childcare". HMPH. Now here is the rant. I will be adding some stuff pertaining to the article but this is the rough idea.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I hope anyone who feels the same way as me will pick up a pen next time they see some article like the one I am responding to.

*********************
I am all for better childcare, quality childcare, whatever you want to call it. But the fact is I am TIRED of government touting it as an alternative to parenting. It seems to be that we as a society are promoting programs for children to attend on a daily basis earlier and earlier, thus shifting the emphasis from family to state/community/society. This is wrong on so many levels. And I ask myself, how can we develop free thinkers out of a generation raised by the government? I am not saying that there are families that don't NEED these alternatives. There are. But why this push to send kids into institutionalized settings?

I propose that if the state/federal government is really concerned about the well being of the next generation they should pay mothers to stay home with their children instead of paying for their childcare. In areas like the one I live in where the majority jobs are those that fall into the hourly worker at minimum wage category, the government could actually SAVE on paying moms their lost wages rather than paying for their childcare. An impoverished mom here in WY can easily get daycare for her children covered by the state as long as she is working. But, it is more likely than not the her work doesn't pay more than the 6-7 dollars an hour the state would pay for daycare for her two children. Who wins here?

Isn't there some way to help people without telling them to pawn their kids off on daycare providers? How about paying dads a livable wage? How about cheaper healthcare for families? How about special work at home programs sponsored by the state? The truth is I think the government in this country is set to assume that if you don't have a net worth that passes the federal poverty line you are some sort of slacker and your children would be better off at the daycare anyway. Maybe I'm just a cynic.
************************

Counter Gems

I looked at the hit counter thing today. Can I just make mention of the fact that people google the craziest things? Here are my hit counter gems for the moment:

Men marry to procreate then have mistresses (Google)
egyptian's wife (Google)
islamic wife egypt (Google)
egyptian marriages (MSN)
egyptian's wife (Google)
Expectations of an Egyptian wife (Google)
moods cafe egypt (Google)
muslimahsewing (MSN)
muslim men wanting christian wife to further islam (Google)
egyptians/ average person in family (Google)

Man, I get so many of these how to find an Egyptian wife or some derivative of someone searching for an Egyptian wife I'm gonna start a dating service!LOL Then there are the what to expect when you marry an Egyptian querys... Well expect the unexpected, that's Egypt baby. Hmmm, I guess that's what you get when you have a title like Egyptian's wife.Can I just say I love these counter tools? Kinda brings out the nosiness in me!LOL

I have only one question... The guy asking about a Christian wife furthering islam... Is he asking about his Islam or hers?

Go Nominate Someone Already!

Hop on over to the Brass Crescent to nominate your favorite Muslim blogs for thier yearly awards. And bookmark it because the winners are worth a read;) Brass Crescent Nominations!

Just a little update

You know there is this moment in tough times in a relationship where you ask yourself, "Am I fighting the good fight or delaying the inevitable?" Well, here's hoping that we are all fighting the good fight. Insha'Allah.

DH's good friend from Egypt is coming. YEAH! I think it couldn't come at a better time. What a friend that he would come knowing that DH is having a tough time right now, masha'Allah. He's a good guy.

I started some classes at sunni path... Thanks for the recomendations;)

Funny quiz...

So every so often I feel one of these things nails me. Saw this one on HA.

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Shut up and drive

Well, reading back I have been in the dumps lately and this blog has been showing it. I have some posts with actual thoughts other than poor me coming... Just hang with me.

In my personal life I have decided that the only way I can get things back in order is to do it myself. No more nagging, no more wishing, no more hoping or complaining. And insha'Allah DH will get on the bus, because it's moving forward kids. In that spirit I signed up for some of Zaytuna's classes. Other things will have to wait. So keep me in your dua. If the family needs direction I am going to have to find a way to give it.

And on that subject, I called a couple of sheikhs about personal stuff and never actually got to speak to one. Brothers, I know you need your people answering the phone to help you manage your time... But if there is a sister who calls back several times sounding upset try to let them know to just put her through if she calls again, OK? And sisters answering the phones... Don't try to get the person to leave a detailed message (now some were really nice but others, well). Sometimes we can't be called back and most times we are not interested in telling our situation to anyone other than the person we are calling... OK?

****UPDATE****
Does anyone know about online courses in Islam??? I was under the impression that Zaytuna's new course offerings were going to be online, but alas it looks like no. I'm still set on doing some courses... But it looks like I have to keep looking.

Fired Fired Fired...

Well, on the morning of Eid, I had one of my hate the community moments and we decided to forgo the Eid prayer this year... Now don't give me grief because the thing is there is no spirituality in it for me here in this town. Mostly I just come home crying abut how everyone is really just there to hang with their ethnic community, and I really just don't get anything out of it. Actually dealings with the masjid seem to take me away from the deen more than towards it here, but that's another post. So we were snacking and decorating the house when the person above my DH in the business he has called and they told DH they were pulling his conrtract in thirty days. UGH

DH is upset, we are not sure about what we are doing... I want to just start applying elsewhere and move, he wants to keep all the little side contracts he has and just keep going (which would change our income dramatically). All that he can come back t is that because of various factors surrounding it, Allah must have some plan for him. Now I agree... But I don't think it is coming just sitting here. But here we are.

Please keep us in your dua. What have I been saying abut something big coming? Well here it is. Here it is.

Happy Eid!

Doing some cooking and gift wrapping but wanted to say Happy Eid to everyone. Wish I could invite you all for brunch;) We're having all sorts of sweets like baklava, kunaffa, ghairayb, petits fours, ... Oh and grape leaves, fatta, duck.... Like I said, I've been cooking!LOL

Random Thoughts

Since I have all these little things floating around in my head and none of them deserve their own post yet...

***My SIL are a freak, and a mean one. DH and I fight about the state of the house all the time... He thinks I am the laziest wife ever and I think he is the messiest husband ever. SIL revisits this topic ALL the time because she knows it is a point of contention. The latest? Telling repeated stories about all the weird flours I have and how the only thing she found to eat in the entire house was one bag of Wal-Mart hamburger buns. Kids.... DS and I have CELIACS, we don't really eat much bread and yes to the average person the flours I bake with are weird. But of course in spite of repeated warnings bread is ALL she feeds my son... Well that and pasta, grrrrrrr. And I am a more whole foods person, so you actually have to like prepare things in my kitchen (imagine that!) so they don't look like food to her. Yeah, you might actually have to like eat a vegetable or cut some cheese off the block.... And for spice lately she has to keep asking why we don't have mice in my messy kitchen. Well Psycho SIL because when you are there they are all snacking on the food you hoard in your room. :P

***North American women who convert to Islam are STRONG. Yes, it's true... And I know I am generalizing and all, but this is the case more times than not. As I loaded myself and the four kids into the car to go do manual labor to help my DH with his job at 6am in the freezing cold... I felt sure that no Egyptian woman I know would do that. I don't even know how an Egyptian woman would feel about the work he does... Not good is my guess because I myself hate it, but I think an Egyptian woman would feel that he was really dragging her through the mud. I have no such dignity. My experience with women from Arab/Pakistani women has never shown me anyone who does all the things and puts up with all the things that converts do. So lets pat our own backs for a minute here sisters, we are strong in our deen and strong for our families as a rule rather than an exception. I hope that we are not just stubborn, and sometimes maybe we are, but whatever the case we tolerate lots.

***Eid preparations have commenced at my house. DH still hasn't cleared the dining table, but I haven't started whining yet. Maybe I'll serve the Eid dinner on top of his paperwork... If I'm sure to cook something with plenty of sauce I'm sure he would learn his lesson. he he he

Let the games begin...

So rather than get getting our backs all arched up and hissing at each other... DH has proposed what might actually be a solution to our clutter/the house looks bad problem. Actually spending on furnishings. WHOOOOO. Now this is from the couple that spent an entire nine months saving change in a jar to buy a rocking chair when our DD was born. A couple of times DH has gotten a good deal on furniture and really helped out, alhamdulilah... But we never went out and got an actual living room set or something. Which is dumb really because we have it...

So, my first items? An entertainment center and a huge desk for DH's study. Now before you hate, just say masha'Allah and remember that I will be crying tears of blood while I get this house organised and cleaned out... DH's study alone will take days. But no buying untill there is a place for it. Oh, and the and the bathroom is going to get some serious work done on it too. Make dua we don't all suffocate in toxic mold spores when they tear that wall out... Yuck.

So pain and glory kids... Let the cleaning marathon begin.

All signs point to GET OUT!!!!!

-Horrible grouchy lady at the trailer park (we live in a trailer if you have never heard me talk about it before)has decided if I don't give her a reason to threaten eviction she will make one up. This time, the yard is too messy. Now people, DH is the first one to give me a heads up if the yard looks bad, and even he says it is fine.

-Other grouchy rental trailer lady told me I have to move my trailer or sell it because I have had too many people move in and out this year. Once again pulling rules from her butt because she hates us. Is there a club? Do they have shirts?

-By some crazy mix up the utility company credited one of my other accounts and the gas was shut off because of non-payment at our little rental house. Also an all things against us situation because the mailman has decided to stop delivering mail to that address because it is empty even though I have told them to keep delivering like 100x's... So I never got the disconnect notice.

-I got a call at the warehouse the other day, a person saying they were inquiring about a job listing, when I told them what we had open they said no they saw an ad for DH's job title. Now, it could just be a mix up... But DH is pretty upset and thinking they are offering his job up in preparation to fire him. Feeling that way about your job is no good even if you are wrong.

-Some lovely person called the police on DH the other day while he was waiting for me at the school saying he looked suspicious (code, he looks like a ME man).

-We went to the rental trailer to clean up, etc. and found that they have shut the water off. Why, because they like us, yeah sure....

-No one in the "community" here has even called us to wonder where we are, wish us happy Ramadan, whatever. I think they are probably spreading rumors about us converting or something by now.

I'm sure there are a few I am missing, but enough... I get it, now could He send DH the memo too?????

Actual conversations with Egyptian Husband...

EH: I can't eat anymore meat! You have been making meat every night and I can't take it anymore! Hilaus. I can't eat anymore meat.

So, I make a vegetarian iftar the next day. Baba Ganoush, stuffed peppers, veggie rice, salad and warm bread.

UL: (looking at EH's empty plate) Do you want another pepper or something?

EH: No, what kind of meat did you make?

UL: Uhhh, you said you couldn't eat anymore meat.

EH: You didn't make any meat?

UL: No.

EH: Could you do a steak for me quick?

Ho Hum...

Ramadan in this town sucks. Ramadan in my house is nice, but draining since I feel this bizarre obligation to cook too much for iftar. I have thought about going to a nearby town to catch some lessons or taraweh every so often, but would want DH to come with me. I have talked to DH about it, he is too busy with his work and his health isn't good... He doesn't worry about it.

I have started to come to the conclusion that DH's problems are verging on a disability. No, really. I don't know when it happened, but his ability to work or help around the house is going down. More and more I have to do the things for his job with him. More and more he is behind on the paperwork because he is tired. How do you balance your responsibilities in a situation like this? He is the man of the house, and Alhamdulilah he has a job and masha'Allah he is still able to work. But, I know that more and more things are swinging towards me doing everything... But doing everything his way is sometimes a big strain... I mean, if it's my responsibility now just let me get it done my way. Sheesh. But, I think many marriages are this way in truth. DH will tell you that if you are helping someone then just shut it and try to do what they want, that way you are really helping them. I guess this is a good point, but hard to put into practice. Especially because I am a fly by the seat of your pants artsy type and DH is a triple backup for safety engineer type.

*BIG SIGH*

In other news... Fasting for me just commenced today (when it really started Sat here). The baby was having a big nurseathon going for the past few days, but with some serious fluid intake and hilba (fenugreek) the milk supply seems to have caught up, masha'Allah. Sooo, I am fasting today. I will fast every other day, insha'Allah. I think the cumulative effect is what has caused me problems while nursing and fasting in the past... That and my bad habit of not drinking enough water. We will see. I wouldn't be so gung ho about it if I hadn't missed almost every Ramadan since I got married due to pregnancy/nursing. I have some serious making up to do already, better to cut it down if I can, insha'Allah. I think I will be like a sister I knew while teaching after I am done having kids. She just fasted two days every week to make up for all the fasting she had missed. She never bothered to really figure out exact numbers, she was just shooting to do as much as she could. I like the idea.

So, for other nursing moms out there... If you are fasting, please do your best to drink as much as you normally would during the entire day in the evenings. I have been drinking from a nalgene bottle so I can watch myself and know I am drinking enough. Sadly, I am finding myself in the bathroom more than usual, which must mean that I am normally nowhere near drinking enough. As for the food part... No worries for nursing mom's there because you have to be seriously malnourished before it affects your milk. Check out The Imam's Daughter on my sidebar for more info about fasting and pregnancy/nursing.

Ramadan Craft

So here is the post I have been promising about my Ramadan project!!! Insha'ALlah there is still time to do one for your house if you like it.

Felt Ramadan surprise calendar


To get started you will need:

1 yard of 54 inch wide felt. 2 36 inch long 3/4 inch dowels. 8 pieces of 9"x12" felt. Number and letter stencils. Paint and brush for stencils. Glue gun (or good fabric glue). Wooden decorations for the end of the dowels. Whatever other little things you want to decorate the finished product with.

It is helpful to have a rotary cutter and guide... But of course scissors will work too. And you can buy numbers and letters in felt... But I am too cheap to do that!LOL

First:

You cut the 9x12 pieces into four 4 1/2x6 pieces for the pockets.

Second:

Square up your main piece of felt, making it about 34 inches wide. You will clip off the excess at the bottom later. Then, fold over the top and create a pocket for the dowel (an inch will do. Just glue it on the edge.

Third:

Stencil on your lettering across the top.

Fourth:

Lay out your pockets in rows of five alternating colors as you go. It is helpful to use a yardstick or some straight edge to keep you in line as you glue.

Fifth:

Once you have all those pesky pockets glued stencil on all your numbers.

Sixth:

Now you need to trim off the bottom leaving enough room for the lower dowel pocket. Make that pocket the same way you did the one on the top. Then, put the dowels through and glue on whatever you choose for the ends on the top and bottom dowels. Now they are snug in place.

Finally, add your decorations where you think they are needed and place a string on the top dowel to hang it. Then the fun part... Fill it with a little treat for every day of Ramadan! I will be wrapping mine since the pockets are open, but you could just glue a little velcro to the pocket if it suits you better:)

Happy Crafting!!! Insha'Allah someone will find this useful. If you make one of these or a date chain just send me a photo and I will post it, insha'Allah.

Tagged by romerican

This is a tag I was actually thinking I might start, but Romerican beat me to it!!! It's a good one too! What's in your purse?

My answer... Not much, but I have a diaper bag too, so ha ha. Here is what was in my purse when I got tagged: My phone, wallet and keys (pretty standard). The wallet itself is a cavern of receipts, insurance cards for all six family members, my IDs, cards for the four different accounts we have (which have the account written on the back since otherwise they all look the same), my zoo passes, Sam's card, and if I am lucky some cash. It has no family photos I am noticing... Since the kids are always with me I guess it never occurred to me to carry photos. You want to know what my kids look like? Here, that one climbing on the display over there.LOL

The other stuff... A book on Waldorf education by Rudolf Steiner. My digital camera (which was not in the picture since I took the picture with it). Originals of the keys for some of our cars since I need to make extra copies (we make tons of copies since we both have a tendency to loose keys). Layla's bracelets that she insists on wearing but takes off after a couple of minutes in the car. A netflix movie for the kids (Duma to be exact). And that's it.

I guess I don't look like a very useful mom type since I have no Kleenex or lip balm... Medications... But all of that is in the diaper bag. Now if you wanted to read a LONG post I could tell you what's in the diaper bag!LOL

I tag... Surviving, Honorary Arab, and Umm Ibrahim (if you dare!!!).

Check it out!

Arab American inspired shirts... Too cool. My fav? Well, it's between
"Yallah, Bye" and "peace/salam"... And when the kid's sizes come DD definatly gets Egyptian princess!!!LOL Of course I still heart my "Make Chai Not War" from Hijabman.

Just so sad...

Steve Irwin died while diving in the Great Barrier Reef with sting rays. It is strange how people are reacting... As if they knew him. I heard some college students talking about it at the grocery store, they weren't cracking jokes or anything, they were sad... I really respected that guy. He was an amazing personality. I watched The Crocodile Hunter with the kids all the time. At least he died doing what he loved.